


Broken Wings

by ConnorJamesIsMyName



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi - Freeform, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major character death - Freeform, Marriage Proposal, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Sexual Assault, Wedding Planning, but i worked hard on it, hey some shit goes down, not exactly rape but kinda, this sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-21 08:12:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 38,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConnorJamesIsMyName/pseuds/ConnorJamesIsMyName
Summary: Sonny is sexually assaulted, and Rafael is the only one to help him through it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is a NEW book. The old "Broken Wings" is gone. I rewrote over half the book, because I didn't like a certain character that I had put in. Welcome to Broken Wings.

Sonny Carisi Jr. groans at his alarm, turning over to hit the dismiss button. He sits up, stretching out before standing to his feet and walking to the kitchen.

He pulls the coffee grounds from the top shelf and puts two cups in the machine. He presses brew, and sits against the counter, arms crossed, waiting for the coffee to be done. He hears footsteps padding into the room, seeing a shirtless Rafael in his boxers. He furrows his eyebrows before wrapping his arms around Sonny's midriff.

"Good morning, Mr. Barba." Sonny smiles, wrapping one arm around Rafael.

Rafael mumbles something incoherent, nuzzling into Sonny's chest.

"Coffee’s almost done love." Sonny says quietly, kissing the top of Rafael's head.  He turns around, grabbing Rafael's favorite coffee mug, pouring him some straight black coffee. He turns around in Rafael's arms and grabs his hand.

"Here you go, love." Sonny says softly, handing Rafael the coffee. Rafael smiles, taking a small sip before looking up at Sonny.

"Hmm?" Sonny asks. Rafael puts the coffee down onto the counter behind Sonny and leans up to kiss him chastely. Sonny smiles as Rafael takes his arms from around his waist and takes his coffee into both hands before walking to the kitchen table.

Sonny walks into their shared bedroom, grabbing one of his suits and pulling it on quickly. He picks out a bluish tie with little fish on it and comes out of the room as he's tying it.

He smiles at Rafael, who wasn't quite as snarky in the mornings.

"You could at least wear an adult tie." Rafael smirks.

_Nevermind_

"I've had this one since I was 14." Sonny says.

"I know. But you could look more like a cop than a 14 year old going to his first school dance." Rafael chides as he begins to sip his coffee.

Sonny walks into the bathroom, gelling his hair and shaving quickly. Brushing his teeth as well.

Sonny looks at the time, seeing he was slightly late.

"Hey, I gotta get going." Sonny says as he walks into their bedroom, seeing Rafael getting into one of his three piece suits. He was buttoning up the waist coat.

" _Mi Amor_." Rafael says quickly. Sonny looks at him, before seeing puppy dog eyes.

"It's not like I was gonna just leave you without a morning kiss."  Sonny laughs. "I'd never do that to you." He strides to Rafael, putting a hand at his waist, playing with a button on his waist coat. He leans down and kisses him softly.

"Be careful today." Rafael says, looking up at him.

"I always am. We still doing lunch?" Sonny asks.

"Rita Calhoun asked me to go to lunch with her, if that's alright. She and I need to hammer out a plea before she goes to her client today."

"That's fine. Lawyer stuff." Sonny smiles. He walks to the door, pulling on his shoes quickly. He checks for his phone and keys, before walking out the door.

*  * *

"Shane Barton." His Lieutenant, Olivia (he usually called her Liv, or Lieu) says as she hands everyone a file. "Beat and raped Adam Forrester last night a little before midnight."

Sonny nods his head, looking over the man's record. Looking at his picture. Brown hair. Dark eyes. Tattoo on the neck of a paw print.

"Have we picked him up yet?" Sonny asks.

"We can't find him." Fin says quickly. "He's in the wind."

"Carisi. Go tell Barba we need a warrant for his phone records."

"Will do Lieu." Sonny says as he walks out of the squad room.

* * *

Sonny walks into Barba's office, smiling at him.

"Hey Rafi.." Sonny asks sweetly.

"Yes?" He looks up from his file. One eyebrow perked up.

"Could I maybe get a warrant for some phone records?"

"Whose." He asks.

"A Shane Barton. He raped a guy last night."

"Yes yes I've seen the case. You do know I'm prosecuting it right?" Rafael chides. "Dump his phone and search his apartment. I already got those warrants like an hour ago. Keep up _Detective_."

Sonny walks around the desk, and kisses his cheek softly. "Thank you, love."

"Mhm." He smirks.

Sonny walks out of the room, down the stairs and out the door.

He gets into the squad car, texting Liv.

"Hey Lieutenant. Rafael had already gotten that warrant for us and the one to search his apartment. I'm on my way back." He sends it

He pulls into the road, driving to the office.

* * *

Rafael walks into their shared home. Sonny sitting on the couch.

"Hey love." Sonny smiles, eyes barely opened.

"You sleepy?" Rafael asks. It was nearly 2 in the morning.

"Mhm.. was waiting on you to get home so we could go to bed together."

"How sweet." Rafael says sarcastically, easing the snark with a smile. He walks over to Sonny, kissing him softly. Sonny stands up, kissing Rafael again, wrapping his arms around his neck.

Rafael puts his hands on his hips and tilts his head back to kiss him more.

Sonny pulls away first. "As much as I'd love for you to fuck me on the kitchen table, I really am tired."

"Yeah, me too." Rafael replies. "Lets go to bed."

Sonny begins to walk away, before Rafael grabs his arm. "Wait."

"Hmm?" Sonny asks quietly. Rafael pulls him over to him.

"I read over the Shane Barton case. That guy really is fucking scary." Rafael says. Pulling Sonny in for a hug.

"We're still looking for him. But we found the gun he used to hold Adam. And some DNA in a hairbrush. But we can't find him." Sonny says quietly. "Adam is really scared and upset about it.”

"I'm proud of you." Rafael whispers. It makes Sonny's heart swell with pride.

“We got a new detective today.” Sonny says.

“Oh really?”

“Jacob Jefferson. He asked us to call him JJ. And I think I’m going to.” Sonny smiles. “He’s shorter than me, and a little heavier than I am.”

“JJ huh? That sounds worse than Sonny.” Rafael smiles.

"Lets go to bed, Rafi." Sonny smiles, before placing a loud wet kiss on the side of Rafael's head.

Sonny leads him to the bedroom, before slipping off his cotton tee shirt and his sweatpants. He helps Rafael out of his suit, throwing everything into the hamper, hanging his suspenders on the door. Rafael walks to the bathroom, Sonny in tow. They never took showers without the other. It used to be sexual, like all new couples that lived together. But now it was just routine, and tradition. It had been months since the other had taken a shower alone. They both enjoyed being in each other company, between their work schedules and sleep.

Once they got done, they toweled off and pulled on a pair of boxers. Sonny presses a kiss to Rafael’s temple and walks to the bed.

He smiles and lays down on the bed, letting Rafael wrap his arms around him tightly and pulling him into him. He smiles as Rafael places a kiss on his head, before drifting off into a deep sleep. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains the sexual assault. If you don't like that, don't read it.

Sonny wakes up to two arms around his waist. He rolls over to see a sleepy Rafael cuddling into his chest tightly, his face contorted into a frown.

"Hey.. what's wrong?" Sonny asks softly, running his hand through Rafael's hair.

"I just.." For once the lawyer was at a loss for words. "I'm scared about this case."

"Hey don't be, love." Sonny whispers. "We're gonna get this guy. And you get to rip him apart on the stand."

"God I hope so. We can get the hate crime attached." Rafael smiles.  _ “Leave it to him to be happy about a hate crime attachment.”  _ Sonny thinks.

"C'mon. The alarms about to go off. I'm gonna go make coffee." Sonny whispers. He rolls out of the lawyers grip, standing to his feet and walking to the kitchen. He begins to make coffee, waiting for it to brew. Rafael pads in after him.

"I have to leave a bit earlier today." Sonny says quietly, he really needed to get the chain of custody straightened out on the gun they found in Barton’s apartment. Rafael nods. As the coffee brews, Sonny walks back into the bathroom, shaving, fixing his hair and brushing his teeth before he pulls on a three piece suit that Rafael had forced him to get a long time ago.  _ “Your suits don’t fit right”  _  He’d always say. He grabs a gray tie, tying it as he comes out of the bedroom.

"Do I look professional enough for you?" Sonny smiles.

"You look nice." Rafael says, pouring himself a cup of coffee. Sonny pours his coffee into a thermos, grabbing his phone and keys.

"I gotta go love." Sonny whispers. Walking over to Rafael. He kisses him softly, before walking out the door. He gets to the ground floor, walking out the double doors and towards the office.

He feels someone behind him, he turns his head, thinking it was Rafael.

"Raf?" Sonny says, as he turns around. He looks at the man behind him, tall, brown hair and dark eyes. He drops his coffee.

"Whoa." He says, looking at the gun on his hip.

"Get in the car." The man says quietly. Pulling his gun.

"Whoa. Calm down-"

"Get in the fucking car before I shoot you and your pretty lawyer boyfriend."

Sonny puts his hands up, "Which car." He says softly.

The man points to the one behind him, Sonny walks slowly to the car, looking around for possible escape, opening the door and sliding in the back.

The man gets into the driver' seat, putting his gun on the dash.

"Where are you taking me?" Sonny asks softly.

"None of your business" the man murmurs. Sonny recognizes the paw print tattoo on the man's neck.  _ Shane? _

Sonny watches where they drive, two blocks down from their apartment building in the old warehouse. The man gets out, opening Sonny's door and pulling him out. He holds his gun to Sonny's back, walking him into the building.

"You don't have to do this, Shane." Sonny tests. "I'm a cop. They're going to be looking for me."

"I know you're a cop." Shane says, leading him into a room with an old rickety bed, with a metal bar headboard. Just like Adam described.

"Whoa. Slow down." Sonny pleads.

"Get on the bed." Shane says powerfully. Holding the gun to Sonny's forehead.

"Shane I'm a cop. You're kidnapping a cop. They're going to be looking for me-" he's cut off by the man pistol whipping him, knocking him to the ground.

"Get on the bed!" Shane yells loudly. Sonny abides, crawling up onto the bed. Sitting in the middle.

"Your gun." Shane says. "Take it out slowly. Unload it and throw it down."

Sonny does as he's told, throwing the gun to the ground, the bullet rolling under the bed. Shane grabs Sonny by the hair, pushing him onto his side and taking his handcuffs.

"Wrists." Shane demands. "Put them up on the headboard."

Sonny does as demanded.

"Wait. Take off your suit jacket. And your tie. A-And your vest." Shane says. Sonny hesitates.

"Now!" Shane yells, holding the gun closer.

"Okay, okay." Sonny says. Pulling off his suit jacket, and pulling his tie off. He unbuttons the waistcoat, letting them fall to the floor,  before returning his hands where they were demanded.

He quickly cuffs him to the bed. His arms up and his torso vulnerable.

"Why me?" Sonny asks.

"To show the NYPD that I'm not scared of them to rape one of their cops."

Sonny freezes. "You're not gonna rape me." He says, a little too confident.

"You wanna bet? It's either you or your lawyer boyfriend." He smirks.

"I'm not gay." Sonny lies.  _ Maybe if I claim I’m straight he’ll lose interest. _

"Don't fucking lie to me." Shane says, putting his gun down. He climbs onto the bed, straddling Sonny.

"Admit it. You're gay." Shane whispers.

"No." Sonny says simply. Shane smacks him, causing Sonny to gasp out and pull on the handcuffs.

"Admit it." Shane says louder.

"Fuck you." Sonny spits.

Shane slaps him again, harder this time. Wrapping his hand around his throat. Pushing upwards. 

"Admit you're a fucking faggot." He growls.

Sonny couldn't breathe, he begins to kick his legs, struggling harshly. Shane lets go. Sonny gasps in air.

"Next time I won't let you breathe." Shane taunts.

"Fine. I'm gay." Sonny whispers.

"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you?" Shane jabs him in the side.

"I'm gay." Sonny says louder.

"Good." Shane smiles. Climbing off of Sonny.

Sonny's phone begins to ring. Shane pulls it out of Sonny's pocket, "who's ‘Lieutenant’?"

"That's my boss. She's probably wondering where I am."

Shane declines the call, texting her. "Not coming into work today" he sends it.

"There. She shouldn't be bothering us for a while." Shane smiles. He walks over to the table, grabbing a knife.

"C'mon now. Don't do this. If you let me leave now I'll never tell anyone that I saw you."

"Shut up for god's sake!" Shane yells. He grabs Sonny's tie, wrapping it around Sonny's head, gagging him. He pulls it tight. Sonny whimpers into the fabric as Shane crawls on top of him again. He begins to unbutton Sonny's shirt.

Sonny begins to resist, struggling again his hands. Shane holds the knife to his throat.

"Stop struggling or I'll kill you right here." Shane whispers into his ear.

Sonny sits stock still, as he continues to unbutton his shirt. Tears begin to fall down his face as Shane undoes his own belt.

Shane stops. Holding the knife to Sonny's stomach. He pulls the blade across his skin, causing blood to collect at the cut. Sonny screams out in pain into the gag, whimpering at the sting. "God you're so fucking hot..."

He runs his hands up and down Sonny's torso, causing Sonny to flinch.

Shane puts the knife down, scooting back to undo Sonny's belt. Sonny looks around. Whimpering as he feels the button on his pants being undone.


	3. Chapter 3

Rafael walks into the bullpen, looking around for Sonny.

He walks into Liv's office when he doesn't find him. "Hey, where's Sonny?" He asks.

"He didn't come into work today." Liv says bitterly.

"No that can't be right. He left early this morning."

Liv opens her phone, showing Rafael the text.

"Sonny would have explained. That's not Sonny." Rafael shakes his head. He freezes. "You don't think.."

Liv walks out of her office. "Rollins. Track Carisi's phone."

"Will do." She says, picking up her phone.

Rafael begins to pace Livs office. Liv walks back in, "You don't think Shane took him?"

"Carisi's smart." Liv says dismissively.

Rollins comes into her office. "His phone is in a warehouse two blocks down from his house. Three blocks away from where Barton attacked Adam."

"Call ESU. I'm on my way down there."

* * *

Sonny whimpers as Shane slaps his chest again. Leaving a bright handprint. Tears running down his face. He pulls the tie loose, and Sonny begins to openly sob. Shane reaches behind him to cup his crotch, rubbing it harshly.

"You're getting hard... You're getting off on this.. Fucking disgusting." Shane spits. He brings another painful slap down onto Sonny's chest, causing Sonny to cry out.

"Please. Please stop.." Sonny cries, gritting his teeth in pain.

His ears perk up at the sound of sirens. He begins kicking his feet and pulling against his restraints.

Shane looks around for a way out, he hears the door being kicked in. And footsteps towards the room they're in.

Sonny yells. The door is kicked down by Fin, and Shane picks up his gun and holds it to Sonny's head.

"Back up or I'll fucking shoot him." Sonny freezes, tears still falling down his face. Fin and Rollins back away.

Benson walks in, holding her gun in the air. "You're in charge."

"Get out." He whispers. "I'll fucking kill him-" He's cut off by being shot through the head. The snipers.

"Carisi." Amanda says softly. She unlocks the cuffs with her own key, "we need a bus!" She yells.

Sonny begins to babble "I'm sorry. I let him, I shouldn't have let him take me-"

"Hey, calm down we got you."

"Where's Rafael? I need Rafael."

"He's outside. He'll ride with you in the ambulance."

EMTs rush in, lifting Sonny up and putting him on a gurney. They cover him with a blanket, rolling him out of the warehouse. He sees Rafael.

"Rafi." Sonny croaks out. Rafael runs to his side, holding his hand as the go to the ambulance.

They lift Sonny into the ambulance, and Rafael climbs up with him.

"Oh my god Sonny." Rafael whispers, kissing his forehead.

"He nearly-" Sonny whimpers before breaking down into tears.

"Shhh.." Rafael whispers. "You're okay now. It's all okay."

Sonny begins to sob, and Rafael pulls him into his chest.

"Sir, we're gonna cover up your wound." One of the EMTs say. Sonny nods

"You're okay now." Rafael whispers.


	4. Chapter 4

Sonny looks down, not being able to look his boyfriend in the face.

"Sonny.." Rafael whispers.

"I-" Sonny breaks off into a sob.

"Take your time cariño."

They were in their shared apartment, on their couch. Rafael had given him the distance he wanted, but was still right there with him.

"I got.. aroused.." Sonny breaks off into another choked sob.

"That means nothing. You tell rape victims that all the time-"

"I'm not a fucking victim." Sonny spits, standing up.

"Sonny-"

"Stop! I'm not a victim. He attacked me. I will never be a victim, I'm supposed to be there for victims. How can I be now that.." Sonny stops. "I wasn't raped. Not a victim."

"Do you need time alone?" Rafael says quietly.

"No- No God no please don't leave one of his friends could come back and- and attack but worse this time." Sonny begins to sink to the ground. It had been a day since they left the hospital. He was in the hospital for a week or so and he was still paranoid like this.

"Carino." Rafael sits down next to him, pulling him into his chest. He kisses his cheek.

"I'm not.. I’m worthless to you right now... I-I can’t..."

"I don't care about that.. I just want you to be okay." Rafael whispers. "I don't date you just for the sex. I really.. appreciate you." Rafael didn't want to put the pressure of the L word on him right now.

Sonny whimpers, burying his head into Rafael's neck. Rafael begins to stand before he is jerked back down by a clingy Sonny.

"C'mon. Let's go to bed. It's late Sonny." Rafael whispers.

Sonny positions himself in Rafael's lap, the way a child would. His legs on either side of him and his arms around his neck.

"C'mon." Rafael mutters, standing up, taking Sonny with him. He holds on to the backs of his thighs, carrying him to their shared bedroom. He places him onto his feet, before Sonny lets go. Sonny stands, slightly lost.

"Let's get ready for bed." Rafael grabs the hem of Sonny's shirt, beginning to pull it up over his head.

Sonny jerks backward, smacking Rafael's hand. "Don't.."

Rafael is taken aback. He slowly lowers his hands to his sides. "Do you want to sleep alone tonight?" Rafael whispers. He was never good at the 'victim' treatment. He was a lawyer, not a therapist.

Sonny shakes his head no. "I'm sorry.. I just-" Sonny stops. "That cut on my stomach is ugly."

"Honey.." Rafael whispers, not taking a step forward. Or in any direction for that matter. He stood stock still.

"Quit treating me like I'm different. I'm not any different. I just got attacked." Sonny huffs. He pulls his shirt over his head.

Liv said there would be mood swings. He didn't think Sonny had it in him.

Rafael hesitates to remove his suit jacket.

"Fucks sake." Sonny growls, walking to Rafael and pulling his suit jacket from his body, throwing into the hamper. He unbuttons his waist coat, throwing it into the hamper as well. Rafael pushes his hands away.

"Stop. You need to just lie down. You're not in your right mind."

"I'm fine Rafael!" Rafael flinched at the use of his given name.

"Sonny-"

"No. I just, I just need to go. I'll be at Amanda's"

Rafael makes a noise in his throat, reaching out as Sonny pulls on a shirt.

"Wear your coat, Carino." Rafael whispers.

"I know to wear my fucking coat, Rafael." He was beyond pissed. How could Rafael treat him like a victim?

He grabs his coat from the rack, pulling on shoes and walking out without another word. He winces at the cold outside, walking towards Amanda's apartment building. When he arrives, he buzzes up.

"Hello?"

"Amanda. It's Sonny. Can I come up?" Sonny nearly whispers.

"Yeah. C'mon up."

Sonny climbs up the stairs, before knocking on her door.

"Hey Sonny." Amanda smiles. Sonny half-smiles back. She steps aside to let him in.

He walks in timidly, looking around before sitting down on her couch.

She walks in, sitting in the chair across from him.

"What brings you here at 12 in the morning?"

"Rafael is treating me like I'm a victim." Sonny growls.

"Sonny you are a victim of sexual assault." Amanda says softly.

"N-No. I'm not a victim. I-I-I help victims. How can I help victims if I can't help myself?" Sonny whimpers out the last part.

Amanda reaches out, putting a hand on his shoulder. He flinches at the touch, but slowly eases into it. "Liv gave you as much time as you need off. And the DA's office gave Barba that much time off too. People care about you, Carisi."

Sonny nods, "I just don't want people to treat me differently. Raf was afraid to touch me tonight."

"He will be for a while. You'll be afraid of him touching you. But he still cares about you."

"I yelled at him and stormed out. The only thing he said was to wear my coat. Didn't try to stop me from leaving." Sonny whispers.

Amanda is cut off by cries for 'Mommy' in the next room.

"Let me go get Jesse." She says softly. "She can always cheer you up."

She disappears into a room, before a excited little girl runs out of her room.

"Uncle Sonny!!" She all but screams, running towards Sonny.

"Jesse!" He smiles, picking her up and putting her on his knee. She points to the bruise on his face from the gun.

"What happened?! Did Rafie hit you!" She cries out, wrapping her arms around Sonny's neck.

"No no no sweetheart. A bad guy got a good hit on me." Sonny smiles.

"Jesse you need to get to bed. You have school tomorrow." Amanda smiles.

She plants a overly wet kiss to Sonny's cheek, "Goodnight Uncle Sonny."

"Goodnight sweet pea." Sonny smiles, wiping the spit off the side of his face.

She slides off of Sonny's lap, running back to her room. Amanda looks at the grin on his face.

"See? Kids make you happy." Amanda smiles.

"Amanda.. I've been wanting to pop the big question to Raf.."

She stops, sitting down in the chair, "Now might not be a good time, Sonny." She says softly.

"I think it's perfect. If he stays with me through this we can get through anything." Sonny grins.

"I don't know. Wait a few weeks. Until you're back at work... and I'll help you pick out the ring." Amanda smiles. Sonny stands to his feet and picks her up.

"You're just a wonderful partner, you know that?" Sonny smiles. She grins down at him before hitting him slightly to let her down.

"Go home, Sonny. Rafael's probably worried sick about you." She says as Sonny puts her down.

"Thank you, Amanda." Sonny smiles, walking towards the door.

He walks back to their shared apartment, unlocking the door and walking in timidly.

"Raf?" He looks around for him in the dark. He turns on the light to see Rafael sitting on the couch, red in the face and tear stained cheeks. His arm draped over the back of the couch. Raf turns to look at him.

"I'm sorry." Sonny says softly. He had barely seen Rafael cry before.

"Don't be. You're going through so much I can't even imagine. I'd react the same way." Rafael's voice shakes. He wipes his nose on his shirt collar, as another sob let's itself escape.

"Rafi.." Sonny whispers. He walks to his side, sliding down his legs and sitting on the floor.

"I-I-" Sonny whispers. "I love you Rafael."

"Stop.. You're in a vulnerable state, you don't-" Rafael is cut off by a kiss.

"I really love you." Sonny whispers. "You're my world. You're helping me get through this."

Rafael smiles, looking down at his boyfriend. "Carino... I love you too." He grabs his arm and pulls him up to sit next to him. Instead of sitting next to him, he climbs into Rafael's lap and sits with both of his thighs on either side of Rafael's hips, his arms around his neck, his face buried into his neck. "I hope you realize how much I love you."

"I do." Sonny whispers. "I really do. I yelled at you and stormed out and you told me to wear my coat. It's sweet."

Sonny sits in silence. "I want kids, Rafi."

Rafael freezes, "I'm hoping you mean in the future."

"Y-Yeah. Of course." Sonny whispers.

"Good.. I love you Carino."

"I love you too, Rafi."

"Wanna go to bed now?" Rafael asks.

"Sure. I won't be as touchy this time." Sonny giggles, attempting to get off of Rafael. Rafael grabs him quickly, standing up holding the backs of his thighs.

"I'm not a child." Sonny smiles, cuddling into Rafael's neck. He carries him to the bedroom, before setting him down on his feet.

Rafael hesitates, unbuttoning the buttons on his own shirt. He shucks it off his shoulders before Sonny runs his hands down his chest. Rafael takes Sonny's shirt into his hands, looking up at him expectantly.

"Can I?" He asks quietly. Sonny nods, looking down. Rafael pulls the shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor. He reaches to his own pants, popping the button and letting them pool to the floor.

He reaches towards Sonny's belt. Looking back at him. Sonny nods, putting his hands on his shoulders. He unbuckles his belt, pulling it through the loops of his pants. He pops the button, and Sonny jerks. He pulls his hands back immediately and looks up at his partner.

"You're okay, Carino." He whispers, pressing a kiss to his collarbone. Sonny shutters, nodding his head.

Rafael moves back to his pants, unzipping the fly and letting them pool to the ground. He runs a hand through Sonny's hair.

"How about you go take a shower?" Rafael asks.

"W-Without you?" Sonny nearly whimpers.

"I don't think... That would be a good idea." Rafael whispers.

"No.. No! I've never taken a shower in this apartment without you. I'm not gonna start now." Sonny was nearly in tears.

"Carino.." Rafael whispers, "You're just not ready. You're flinching when I touch you. How are you going to be able to handle me washing your back?"

"N-No. Please Rafie.." Sonny actually whimpers

"Make me a deal." Rafael looks up at him. Sonny nods his head.

"If you get uncomfortable in any way. Tell me. I will leave at that very second. Do you understand? Promise me." Rafael says softly, stepping closer to his boyfriend.

"I-I promise Raf." Sonny nods his head vigorously.

Rafael grabs his hand, leading him into the bathroom. He turns on the water, letting it warm up before leaning up to Sonny.

"Can I kiss you?" He asks softly. Sonny nods, cupping Rafael's cheek, kissing him gently as if he'd break.

Rafael pulls away, running his hand over the cut on Sonny's stomach. Sonny flinches, but relaxes back immediately.

"I love you Rafi." Sonny whispers.

"I love you too, Sonny." He grins.

***

Sonny pulls on his favorite sweatpants, leaving his torso bare. He walks into the bedroom, seeing Rafael in a pair of red sweats.

"Matching." Sonny grins, walking closer to him.

"Different colors." Rafael says, putting his hand on Sonny's hip, pulling him closer. Sonny wraps his stupidly long arms around Rafael's neck, as Rafael wraps his arms around his waist. Sonny was a few inches taller than him, just enough to where Rafael would have to perch up on his toes to kiss him.

He does exactly that, leaning up to kiss him softly. Sonny kisses back, running his hand through Rafael's wet hair. Sonny spins them around, placing kisses all over Rafael's face. Rafael giggles, before he feels the backs of his knees hit the bed. He sits down, scooching up the bed to the headboard.

"Come cuddle with me." Rafael whines like a little kid. Sonny giggles, crawling up the bed, and laying on his side. Rafael moves down, his eyes level with Sonny's.

Sonny pulls himself closer to Rafael, hiking a leg onto Rafael's hip. Rafael hugs him tightly, wrapping arms around Sonny's waist, Sonny's head buried in his chest.

Sonny looks up at him, his eyes curved into a smile. "What's up?" Rafael asks.

"Just kiss me." Sonny whispers, leaning up on one elbow. He presses a soft kiss to Rafael's lips, pressing another and another, each one lasting longer than the last. Slowly, Sonny begins to lick at Rafael's lip, asking silent permission. Rafael opens his mouth wider with each kiss, letting Sonny's tongue work on his own.

There was nothing sexual about it. Just love. Rafael felt his heart swelling at the feeling of Sonny's hand on his cheek. When the need of air was too great, Sonny pulls away. He smiles, pressing a kiss to Rafael's nose, then neck. Rafael smiles.

"I love you." Rafael whispers, his eyes still closed.

"I love you too, Raf." Sonny whispers, his eyes pulling closed.


	5. Chapter 5

Sonny jerks upward, panting slightly. Tears well in his eyes as he searches frantically for Rafael.

"Raf?" Sonny asks quietly. Rafael hurriedly rushes from the bathroom, his hands still wet from washing them.

"What's wrong Carino?" Rafael asks, wiping his hands on his pants. Sonny looks down and tears fall to the bedspread.

"Nightmare." Sonny whispers softly.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Rafael asks, crawling onto the bed.

"N-No." Sonny stutters out. He looks up at Rafael, whose eyes were wide with worry. Rafael reaches out, running his fingers down the knobs of Sonny's spine.

Sonny whimpers, falling into Rafael crying softly.

"Carino.." Rafael whispers, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

"I just want this to be over.." Sonny whimpers softly.

"I guess I didn't tell you.." Rafael whispers, playing with Sonny's hair. "Barton pled out. He's serving the maximum. So you don't have to go to get cross examined."

"Oh thank God." Sonny whispers, burying his head deeper into Rafael's shoulder. Rafael shivers at the feeling of his stubble rubbing at his neck.

"It'll all be okay." Rafael whispers, kissing the side of Sonny's head. "You'll be okay."

"I hope so. I don't feel like I'll ever be okay." Sonny begins to sob quietly. "W-What if I'm not able to go back to SVU? I-I don't know what I can do-"

"You can be a lawyer. Maybe transfer to another unit." Rafael suggests.

"I love my job.." Sonny whispers, sniffling a little.

"I know you do. But maybe this is the Universe's way to tell you to move on to better things." Rafael pets Sonny's head.

"I just.. Don't want to leave Rollins, Fin, Liv.. No one.." Sonny whispers.

"You and I have as much time as we need off. Hell, I could retire right now and everything will be okay." Rafael mutters.

"I just wish it didn't happen."

"I know, Carino. I know." Rafael whispers sweetly, twirling his finger around a lock of Sonny's hair.

"Do you want to go back to bed?" Sonny asks.

"It's nearly 5 in the morning. So yeah." Rafael smiles. Sonny curls up underneath the blankets, taking Rafael with him. He kisses him sweetly, smiling as he pulls away. Sonny curls up tightly next to Rafael.

* * *

When they both woke up mere hours later, Sonny held his head in his hands, sitting over the side of the bed. 

Rafael stands up, running his hand down Sonny’s back, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck before standing up and walking to the kitchen. Sonny stands up as well, walking to their living room before laying stomach down on the couch, whimpering at the tug on his stitches before adjusting himself.

“Carino? Do you want some coffee?” Rafael asks, picking up the bag of coffee.

“No, thank you” Sonny says softly. He hadn’t been able to drink coffee in since the attack. He groans softly as he rolls over, facing the back of the couch. He grabs the blanket draped over the couch for decoration, pulling it down over his bare torso.

Rafael sits in the chair next to the couch, a cup of coffee in his hand. He takes a sip, crossing one leg over the other. He looks at Sonny, whose eyes were closed and a peaceful expression over his features. He had been sleeping a lot lately lately. Rafael would have to ask his doctor about it.

“Raf..” Sonny mutters. “I don’t even wanna get dressed today.”

“You don’t have to. I’m not going to.”  Rafael smiles, taking another sip of his coffee. Sonny stretches out, wincing as a slight pain runs down his spine.

“Raf, can you pop my back?” 

“Sure Carino” Sonny rolls back onto his stomach, Rafael puts his coffee down on the coffee table, standing up. He straddles Sonny’s butt. Rafael joins his hands together and presses his hands down on the usual sore spot of Sonny’s back. Sonny breathes in deeply, and Rafael cracks his hands down, effectively popping Sonny’s back. Sonny lets out the breath, sighing contently.

“Thanks Raf.” Sonny smiles. Rafael leans down, pressing a kiss to Sonny’s back, trailing them down until he reaches the band of his sweats. He climbs off of Sonny, petting the back of his head. 

They had been together for nearly a year now, and Sonny had never gotten away from Rafael’s sarcasm for so long. Rafael probably stopped for his sake at the moment. He really missed all the sarcasm.

“Hey Rafi?” Sonny says, not looking up from his place on the couch.

“Yeah?” Rafael says, standing next to the couch. 

“Why have you been acting differently?” Sonny asks. 

“What do you mean?” Rafael asks, confused. 

“You’re not… as snarky as you used to be. Ever since… you know.” Sonny hesitates.

“I just don’t want to step over a line. Make you upset or uncomfortable.”

“Well don’t. I don’t like you being different from the man I asked to be mine 11 months ago.”

“I mean I could call you a bitch all the time.” Rafael smiles. 

“There you go.” Sonny smiles.

“Hey… Carino?”

“Yeah?” Sonny rolls over to face him.

“How about we invite the squad over and have some fun? I’ll cook dinner, you don’t have to do anything other than get dressed and keep Rollins away from me.” He was still pissy about that fact the fact that she rejected Sonny for some sleazy bartender before they started dating.

“Yeah. That would be fun.” Sonny sits up. “I’m not putting on a suit.”

“Yeah well me neither.” Rafael says. “I’ll text Liv.”

Sonny nods. “Does five sound good?” Rafael asks. 

“Yeah. That’s fine.” Sonny looks over at the clock. It was 9AM. He could still get some sleep.

***

When he awakes the next time, it’s to Rafael shaking him lightly.

“Y-Yeah?” Sonny asks.

“C’mon it’s like 3:30 and you haven’t gotten ready yet.” Rafael says, running his finger up and down Sonny’s jawline.

Sonny opens his eyes, squinting at Rafael before sitting up. Looking like a pouty kid. He stands to his feet, a bit wobbly from how long he hadn’t been using his legs.

The house smelt like Rafael’s cooking, and it smelled amazing. He walks into their bedroom, nosing around for his blue flannel.

He pulls on a black tank top, sliding off his sweats and throwing them into the hamper. He grabs his most comfortable black jeans and pulls them on. He winces at the pull on his stomach, the cut just barely touching the edge of his pants. He looks around for his belt, finding it hung on the door.  _ Rafael always does that…  _ He looks down at it, cringing at the thought of Barton’s hands all over it. He pokes his head out of the bedroom door.

“Rafa?” Sonny asks. “Where’s your belt? The one that you let the defendant choke you out with?”  _ Now that was a long story.. _

“It’s too big for you. You’re scrawny.” Rafael says from the kitchen. 

“Then can I wear a pair of suspenders?” Sonny asks. He hears footsteps padding into the bedroom before seeing Rafael. He hadn’t realized what he was wearing until just now. A maroon V-neck, that was Sonny’s favorite of his shirts, and black jeans that were just tight enough to hug his thighs. 

“You look good, love.” Sonny smiles, before asking again, “Suspenders.. Please?” Rafael looks down and nods, 

“As long as I get to pick them out. God knows you’re limited when it comes to fashion.” Rafael smirks, closing the door to show his extensive suspender collection.

“Says the one who never wears anything but suspenders.” Sonny scoffs.

“Suspenders are one thousand times better than a belt.” Rafael says, picking up a pair of light blue suspenders, holding it against Sonny’s flannel before putting them back and grabbing a light gray pair. He nods, handing them to Sonny. Sonny looks up at him, a blush covering his cheeks.

“I don’t know how to put these on…” Sonny mutters.

“You are thirty five years of age and you’ve never put on suspenders?”

“N-No..” Sonny looks down at the floor, a grin covering his features.

Rafael reaches behind Sonny, with a huge grin, clipping the back clip to the back of his pants. Lining it up with Sonny’s prominent spine. He brings the straps over his shoulders and clips them in their respective places. They were very loose, seeing how Rafael was much bigger than he was. 

Rafael begins to tighten them, Sonny smiles. “I know how to do this.” He giggles as Rafael tightens the other strap. He grabs the flannel and pulls it over Sonny’s shoulders. He makes sure it’s placed correctly, before placing a kiss to Sonny’s jawline as he lets go. 

“ _ Mi chico muy guapo _ _. _ ” Rafael smirks. “I swear, Dominick, If you stain these I will kill you.” Rafael threatens. Sonny smirks.

“Bringing out the first name are we? Well what if that’s the way I wanna go?” He smiles. 

“Sure. Then stain them. You’ll see the wrath of an angry Cuban before you die.” He leans up to kiss him, and Sonny kisses him back, running his hand down his back. Rafael pulls away, grinning lightly. 

He grabs one of the suspenders, and quickly pulls it away from Sonny’s body. Letting it snap back into place. Pulling a howl from Sonny.

“Oh you fucker.”Sonny grins. He springs forward, grabbing Rafael’s hands and twirling him around so his arms are an X across his chest. Sonny kisses behind his ear, a well known spot for Rafael. He makes a distressed noise, trying to bat Sonny away. Sonny has a tight grip. He settles for squirming.

“Oh C’mon.” Rafael whispers. Sonny grazes his teeth over it causing a soft groan to leave Rafael. “Don’t start something you can’t finish. And your dinner is still on the stove.”

“Who says we can’t?” Sonny taunts. Rafael squirms even more, pulling his head away from Sonny.

“Let me go…” Rafael whines. “This is unlawful imprisonment. Don’t think I won’t take you to court.”

“Oooh. Lawyer Barba…” He’s cut off by the doorbell ringing. Sonny quickly lets him go. “It’s not even five yet.”

Sonny walks timidly into their living room, and Rafael walks past him to peep through the peephole. “It’s Liv.” He says as he unlocks the door. He swings open the door and waves at Liv. She reaches out and hugs Rafael.

“Hey guys.” She smiles, pulling away from Rafael.

“Hey Carisi.” She smiles, walking past Rafael and side hugs Sonny. “I came early to see how you’re doing.”

“Please, call me Sonny.” Sonny requests. “Carisi is my work name.”

Rafael gestures to the couch. Liv sits down in the chair, and Sonny sits down on the couch. Rafael takes the place next to him. 

“It’s harder than I thought, Liv.” Sonny sighs.

“It will be for a while. You still have all the time you need off.”

Sonny begins to pick nervously at his jeans, before Rafael notices and grabs his hand and intertwines it with his.

Olivia leans back, crossing one leg over the other. “How the cut on your stomach?”

“Oh it’s healing pretty well. Gonna leave a nasty scar though.” Sonny grimaces.

“Yeah, probably.” She smiles, “God, what smells so good in here?”

“That would be Rafael’s amazing cooking.” Sonny was slightly relieved at the subject change.

“Oh hush.” Rafael stands to his feet to walk to the kitchen.

“How’re you guys doing?” Liv says a little quieter.

“Uh, really good. We had an argument last night but he’s taking care of me. Even let me wear his precious suspenders.” Sonny pulls his flannel to the side to show the gray suspenders.

Liv gasps, “You’re sharing your precious suspenders?” A huge smile covering her features.

Rafael gives Sonny a glare, taking something off the stove. It was a huge pot.

“Raf? Did you make what I think you made?”

“Your favorite” Rafael grins. Sonny smiles “Cuban chicken stew.” 

“Thanks, love” Sonny smiles turning to Liv. “I’ve been wanting that for a couple weeks.”

“I heard you’re going to buy a ring?” She whispers with a smile on her face.

“Yeah, shush about it though.” Sonny smiles.

“The whole squad knows. And Nick.”

Sonny shakes his head, “Dammit Amanda…”

There’s another knock on the door, Sonny stands up and waves Rafael back.

He opens it to see Fin and Amanda, and another man he didn’t recognize. He was older, graying hair.

“Hey guys… and you are?”

“Munch!” Rafael smiles as he walks behind Sonny. He slips past Sonny to shake Munch’s hand. 

“I’m John Munch.” John smiles, he walks past Rafael to shake Sonny’s hand.

“Dominick Carisi Jr. But call me Sonny.” Sonny is taken aback by the stranger in his home.

“Munch is a former Sergeant of SVU.” Liv says as she walks towards the doorway. Sonny slips to the side, as everyone catches up.

He walks back to the couch, taking back his seat. 

His breathing suddenly gets very tight. He squirms in his seat, as the man who he didn’t know walked into his home. He had no idea who this man is. He could work for someone.

They were laughing and chattering excitedly as Sonny stood to his feet, sneaking away to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Rafael leads them all into the living room. Amanda and Liv sitting down on the couch, Fin on the ottoman, and Munch in the chair. Rafael glances around for Sonny, brushing it off when he didn’t see him.

Sonny winces as the noise echoes through their shared home. He leans against the door, sinking down to the floor. He crosses his arms over his knees as tears begin to pool in his eyes.

Rafael laughs heartily at Fin’s joke. “Hey where’s Carisi?” Amanda says through laughter. Rafael looks around again, fear pricking in his stomach.

“I’ll go check on him. He’s probably in the bathroom.” Rafael smiles, standing from his position on the floor. Everyone continues to talk amongst themselves as Rafael makes his way to the bathroom.

He knocks on the door. “Sonny?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah?” Sonny says, his voice slightly off.

“Are you okay? It’s Rafael.” Rafael shifts from one foot to the other, He leans his head close to the door. “Can I come in?”

The lock clicks, and Rafael is struck with a red-eyed Sonny crying on the floor. He rushes in, shutting the door behind him. 

“Carino what’s wrong?” Rafael kneels down next to Sonny.

“I don’t… know…” Sonny brings to sob harder.

“Is it because of Munch? I didn’t think he’d bother you. Fin asked if he could come last minute.”

Anger boils in Sonny’s stomach. “It would have been delightful is you would have warned me before bringing a stranger into our home.” Sonny growls.

“I didn’t think meeting a retired, decorated, SVU Sergeant would have bothered you.” Rafael says, somewhat bitterly.

“Don’t give me sass right now Rafael. I will fucking leave.” Sonny spits, standing up.

“Sonny just calm down. There’s people here.”

“Oh so all you care about is your fucking company?! Not your boyfriend that’s on the brink of a mental come apart?” Sonny hushedly yells.

“Sonny you’re okay. Just calm down.”

“I don’t know him. He could be one of Barton’s goonies. Didn’t you say Barton was in DX9? He could be giving information.”

“He’s a retired SVU  _ Cop _ ” Rafael spits. “You’re being paranoid.”

“If what happened to me, happened to you, you’d be paranoid too!” Sonny storms out of the bathroom, standing in between their bedroom and the guest bedroom. He listens to them laughing and carrying and on. He cringes at the thought of going out there red-eyed. Rafael comes out of the bathroom too. He glares at Sonny, grabbing Sonny’s wrist, pulling him out into the living room.

“Munch, do me a favor please?” Rafael says, glaring at Sonny. 

Munch looks at the distressed couple.

“Tell  _ Carisi. _ ” He practically spits. “That you’re a retired SVU cop and you’re not a part of DX9.” Munch pauses, contemplating what to say.

“I’m a retired cop. And I don’t work for anyone. Not anymore.” Everyone was in shock of Rafael’s move.

Sonny eyes begin to well up with tears as he walks towards the door, slipping his shoes on, and grabbing his coat.

He opens the door, looking back at Rafael before slamming the door shut. 


	6. Chapter 6

He walks into the bar a block down from their apartment, sitting at the bar.

“Jack and Coke, please.” He asks as the bartender walks towards him. He leans his head down looking at the grain of the bar. The bartender hands him his drink. He gives a weak smile before taking a sip.

He hears a shuffling next to him, seeing Munch sitting down on the barstool next to him.

“I-I’m sorry.” Sonny mutters

“You’re fine. Fin told me about what happened. I should've guessed it would trigger you. You don’t know me. I could be anyone.”

Sonny nods taking another sip. “I somewhat over reacted.”

“I would have reacted similar.” Munch says. “Just a water please.” He says to the bartender.

“Rafael handled it horribly.” Munch says.

“He was just mad. I was being paranoid.” Sonny says, his eyes focused on the rim of his drink.

“Still, you were having a panic attack. He should have just left you alone, not drag you out in front of your peers and make a fool of you.”

“I guess so.” Sonny mutters. “I really am sorry. I just don’t know you. I thought maybe Barton paid you off or one of his friends did.”

“My badge number was 4872. I really don’t know how else to convince you that I'm not working for anyone.”

“I believe you.” Sonny says, taking another sip.

“You probably need to go home. Liv and everyone left to give you two time. I ended up following you to make sure you didn't get into any trouble. Sorry about that.”

“I’ll let him cool off. He’s pissed. If I go home now, it’ll just cause a bigger fight.”

“How long have you two been together?” Munch asks. 

“Uhm… Coming up on a year in a few weeks.” Sonny halfway grins.

“You fight a lot?” Munch asks.

“No. Not really. It’s more frequent now than it’s ever been. When I start getting irritated I just leave so I don’t say something out of line.”

Munch nods. “You left without a word.”

“Yeah… I’d say he’s gonna be really mad about that. He can't handle the silent treatment. He argues with people for a living, so when I stop arguing back. He gets even more mad. He’d rather me yell at him and call him names than not say anything.”

“I heard you wanna ask him to marry you?”

“Yeah, I really want to.” Sonny smiles, adjusting himself in his seat.

“But…?” Munch asks.

“I doubt he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m super messed up now. I’m different.”

“He still loves you.” Munch reassures. “He was really upset when you left. Seemed like he had a lot on his mind.”

“I love him too. A little too much I think. But I don’t think he’ll say yes.” Sonny takes a sip of his drink.

“I think he will. Coming from a man with several divorces.” Munch smiles. Sonny nods, smiling back. “Go home, Sonny. He’s probably worried. Don’t sit here all night and get drunk. Here, I’ll take you home.”

Sonny nods, finishing off his drink, going for his wallet. Munch stops him, laying a ten on the bar, waving at the bartender.

“He’s a friend.” Munch says, leading Sonny out. Sonny watches him slide into his car, reaching over to unlock the passenger side door from the inside.

“That door handle has been busted for a while.” Munch says, starting his car.

He drives back the one block, stopping in front of Sonny’s apartment building.

“Need me to walk you up?”

“No, Thank you Munch.” Sonny smiles, getting out of the car.

“No problem. Be careful. Your boyfriend has my number if you need anything.”

“Thanks Munch.” Sonny smiles again. Closing the door. Sonny walks up to his apartment, opening the door. Rafael was in the kitchen, putting the food away.

Sonny stays silent, hanging his coat on the rack. He shuts the door silently, slipping off his shoes. Sonny begins to walk to their bedroom, before Rafael stops him.

“We need to talk.”

“Yeah, I know.” Sonny can’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

“Sit.” Rafael says. Pointing to the couch. Sonny does as told. Sonny was preparing for the argument, fear settling in his gut.

“I think we need to take a break.” Rafael says calmly and quickly. Sonny’s heart drops into his stomach . Tears beginning to flow quickly.

“What? You can’t be serious.” Sonny whispers.

“I am. We just need some time apart.” Rafael sighs. “You know I love you, but I can’t do this right now. We won’t last like this.”

“I need you right now more than ever.” Sonny whimpers.

“I’m sorry. I’ll move out for the time being. You can stay here. I promise I’ll come back. We just need some time.” 

“Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you get to do this.”

“I know. But I just need some time to myself.”

Sonny begins to openly sob. His head in his hands. “You can’t. Please.”

“I’m not trying to be an asshole, Sonny. We’ll crash and burn if we stay together through this. I think you need to get through this on your own. This hurts me as much or even more than it hurts you.”

Sonny is unable to look up, tears streaming down his cheeks, his mouth gaping open to suck in air.

“I’m sorry.” Rafael walks from the room, He felt horrible, his stomach twisted at the thought of not having Sonny. Rafael was a proud man, but he felt like a coward for doing such a thing to his sweet Sonny.

_ He just needed time. _

He grabbed his suitcase he had already packed. He had what he needed, and he’d come back for his suits if he went back to work during the break. He hoped he’d be back soon.

He rolls his suitcase out into the living room, looking at Sonny with pity in his eyes.

“I’ll see you.” Rafael smiles slightly, a regretful look covering his features. Sonny says nothing. And Rafael grabs his coat, and begins to walk out the door.

“I love you.” Sonny whispers, almost inaudible. 

“I know, Sonny.” Rafael walks out, looking back into his home for a moment before shutting the door behind him.

He would be staying at his mother’s, Lucia, for the time being.

Sonny sighs softly, tears still streaming freely. He lays back on the couch, his head on the arm of the couch, tears falling across his temples.

He rolls over onto his side, sobs shaking his body harshly. He just needed some air. He grabs his coat off the door, slipping on his shoes. He grabs his keys, locking the door as he opens it. He walks out, shutting the door behind him.

Sonny keeps his head down, wandering around aimlessly. He ends up in Central Park. He looks around tears falling every once in a while. He sees the bridge that him and Rafael had walked over on Rafael’s birthday, after Sonny had asked him to move in with him. He goes to stand at it, walking onto the bridge. He hears a motor turning on, paying no attention to it. He peers over the bridge, his hands on the side looking down at the concrete below. He hears the motor get louder, and he turns his head to see the bright headlight of a motorcycle riding on the pathway. 

He stands as close as he can to the edge of the bridge, to let the motorcycle pass. He hears the motor slowing down and he looks at the man driving, black hoodie, dark pants. Sonny just looks at him, his eyes still puffy for crying.

He comes to a complete stop right behind Sonny. He climbs off his bike as Sonny turns to face him.

“Should have never messed with DX9 man, Shane was one of ours.” The man speaks. He was burly, not too much bigger than Sonny though.

“Whoa, calm down.” Sonny begins to panic, thinking that the man was there to finish the job. The man pushes Sonny back and turns him around, until his knees hit the side of the bridge. It was only up to his hips to begin with.

Sonny struggles, looking over the side of the bridge. He continues to push, pushing his upper half over the side. Sonny jerks, loosening the man’s grip, turning around. The man grabs his coat again, forcing him to sit on the concrete wall of the bridge. Sonny begins to scream, before the man shoves him off the side of the bridge, falling onto the concrete below.


	7. Chapter 7

Rafael’s phone begins to ring, It was Bellevue hospital. (He had it saved in his phone because he’d go talk to the victims while they were still in the hospital.) He groans, he was trying to sleep.

“Hello?” He says as he answers it.

“Hello, Is this Rafael Barba?”

“Yes, why?” Rafael begins to sit up.

“This is Bellevue hospital. Dominick Carisi Jr. Has been found and is in intensive care. You are listed as his emergency contact.”

“Oh my god. What happened?” Rafael scrambles to his feet, searching frantically for his shirt. He pulls on the first one he finds.

There was a pause. “It looks like a suicide attempt.”

Rafael’s heart skips a beat. “O-Okay. I’m on my way.” He hangs up the phone.

“Mami? Sonny’s in the hospital. I’m on my way over there.” Rafael scrambles for his coat.

Lucia nods from the couch as Rafael slams the door shut behind him.

***

Rafael rushes into the hospital, going to the front desk. The nurse looks up at him.

“Rafael Barba. Here for Dominick Carisi.”

“Yes, He’s been asking for you.. But uhm…”

“What?” Rafael asks, a little more demanding than he wanted to be.

“He hit his head really hard. He has some amnesia.”

“Does he… Does he know who he is?”

“Oh yes, yes. He’s just forgotten the last month or so.” She nods.

Rafael nods. “Can I see him?”

“Of course.” She points to the ICU behind him and he walks in timidly. Sonny lay there, asleep. Rafael’s eyes begin to fill with tears. He pulls the chair in the room closer to Sonny’s bed, sitting close to his lover. His head was partially shaved, wrapped with a bandage.

“Raf?” Sonny whispers, opening his eyes.

“Yes, Carino. It’s me.” Rafael’s eyes light up. Sonny turns his head, wincing at the pull on his staples. 

“W-What happened? No one will tell me anything Rafi…” Sonny says quietly. 

“I-I don’t know Carino.” Rafael says, grabbing Sonny’s bruised hand. Sonny smiles, squeezing Rafael’s hand. 

The doctor walks in, he looks at Sonny. “Ah, look at that smile.” He grins. “Mr. Barba? Can I speak with you please?”

“Of course.” Rafael stands up, placing a soft kiss to Sonny’s forehead. He walks from the room with the doctor. The doctor grimaces, before Rafael opens his mouth to speak.

“Is he going to be okay? Will he remember?” Rafael stammers out.

“He’s fine. Has a nasty cut on his head, from the concrete. He has a few broken ribs, his hip was out of socket and he has bruising all over his hands from trying to catch himself. He also has some amnesia. It’s highly unlikely he’ll remember.”

“W-Wait… I don’t even know what happened.” Rafael says, his face contorted into confusion.

“He jumped off a bridge in Central Park. Fell backwards onto the concrete. At least, that’s what CSU thinks.”

Rafael suddenly feels as if he needed to vomit. “Oh god..” He whispers.

“I’m sorry. We’re going to get him psych treatment, but we won’t require him to do it. We don’t know if it was a suicide attempt or not.”

“There’s no way. This had to have been set up.” Rafael says, leaning against the wall. 

“Was there anything bothering him?” The doctor asks.

“We had just went on a break…” Rafael trails off. The doctor nods

“Talking to him, reminding him of things might help him remember.” The doctor says. “He can go home probably around noon tomorrow, or today rather, just to be sure there’s no complications. His hip will be sore for a while, he’s wrapped up so his ribs will heal.”

“O-Okay.” Rafael says, “Can I go back in there?”

“Of course.” The doctor smiles. “Just be gentle. Telling him too much at once could upset him.”

Rafael nods, turning on his heel and walking back into the room. 

“Hey, they say you get to go home around noon.” Rafael smiles. 

“What happened?” He asks immediately. 

“You uh..” Rafael trails off. “What they think happened, is that you jumped off the bridge in Central Park. Like a suicide attempt.” 

“I don’t… remember that. I wouldn’t have done that. We were getting somewhere on the Barton case today… It was a  _ really  _ good day. You got us warrants and we found the gun in his apartment. Underneath the stove. And- And we got his DNA on Adam.” Sonny says, shaking his head no.

Rafael sits back down, holding Sonny’s hand. “Carino… That was two weeks ago.” 

“N-No. That was today. I remember. I had the tie with the little fish on it. You said I looked like a teenager going to my first school dance.” Sonny says. He looks down at his chest to show his tie, but realized he had a gown on.

“Carino, they said you’d have some amnesia.” Rafael runs his thumb over Sonny’s knuckles. Then it hit Rafael like a load of bricks. 

_ He doesn’t remember the attack.  _

Rafael looks down, and brings Sonny’s hand up to his mouth to kiss it. 

“I… There’s a lot you don’t remember.” Rafael says gently. 

“Like what?” He asks, almost childlike.

“We get to go home here soon. We can take an Uber home. I’ll explain it all then.” Rafael smiles.

“O-Okay.” They both sit in silence, every once in a while a nurse would come in and check on Sonny. Rafael’s mind wanders.  _ Was this a hit on Sonny? Was is DX9? Did Sonny actually attempt to take his own life? _

“I probably need to call my Ma.” Sonny breaks the silence, shaking Rafael from his thoughts. 

“I can. Your mother loves me more than she loves you.” Rafael snarks

“You’re her favorite soon to be son-in-law.”

Rafael pauses for a moment. “What do you mean soon to be?”

“Well I mean…” He gets all flustered. “If we make it that far. She likes you. You’ve done a lot for the Carisi family.”

“I’m gonna call your mom. Do you want her here?”

“If she wants to drive all the way from Staten Island…”

Rafael nods, walking from the room and pulling out his phone. He goes to his contacts, calling “Sonny’s Mom”

The phone rings twice before it’s picked up. “Hello?” In a very heavy staten island accent. Much like Sonny’s.

“Donna?” Rafael asks.

“Yes?”

“It’s Rafael. Sonny’s in the hospital-”

“What? Is he okay?”

“Yes, yes, but he has some amnesia. He doesn’t remember the last two weeks or so.” Rafael says quietly.

“So he doesn’t remember the whole Shane Barton thing?” She asks. They had told Sonny’s mother after he got home from the hospital, she drove all the way to their apartment to bring Sonny some homemade italian food, and brought Rafael salted caramel cannoli, his personal favorite of Donna’s.

“No-”

“What happened?” She asks.

“They think he jumped off a bridge in Central Park. I don’t think that he-”

“Dominick jumped off a bridge?!” She cuts him off. 

“I don’t think that’s what happened-”

“I’m on my way. What hospital are you at?”

“Bellevue.”

“Okay. I’ll be there in an hour.”

Rafael sighs as the call ends, walking back into the room. Donna could tire Rafael sometimes, like most people.

“Your delightful mother is on her way.” Rafael fake smiles, as Sonny groans.

“She’s gonna fuss about everything. Probably yell at a nurse.”

“I wouldn’t put it past your mom to kick me out.”

“She won’t. She loves you.”

“She’s gonna lecture the hell outta you.” Rafael sits down in his chair.

“Rafi you gotta trust me. I didn’t just jump off the bridge. I wouldn’t have.”

“Sonny… Today was kind of rough.” Rafael runs his index finger over Sonny’s cheekbone.

“Please tell me at least what happened today.” Sonny pleads. “Please Raf.”

“The squad came over…” Rafael says.

“After work? Since when do you get home when I get home at the same time?”

“You’re on a leave of absence. So am I.” Rafael says gently.

“Wait why? What happened?” Sonny’s eyebrows bunch together.

“Sonny…” Rafael trails off.

“C’mon. Raf please. If it’s making me leave work you have to tell me.”

Rafael pauses, and then whispers, “There was an incident.”

“Did you get shot? More death threats? What do you mean?”

“Not with me Sonny. With you.”

“Rafael please! Tell me!” 

“Do you remember Shane Barton?” Rafael says quietly.

“Y-Yeah, actually. Why?”

“He uh…” Rafael trails off, not knowing how to word it.

“Rafael… What happened to me?” Sonny’s hand begins to shake slightly underneath Rafael’s.

“Y-You were assaulted.” Rafael tries to word it gently. 

“What? Did he hold me at gunpoint? Raf I wouldn’t have left work for just that.”

“Sonny.. He  _ sexually  _ assaulted you.” Rafael says as gently as he could. 

“W-What?” He says, dumbfounded. “Explain. Please.”

“He uh..” Rafael’s eyes begins to fill with anger. He hated talking about what happened, even though Sonny told him everything in full detail. “Sonny not now. I can’t tell you right now. It’ll upset you. Your mom is on her way.”

“Promise me you’ll tell me everything in full detail when we get home.” 

“I promise, Sonny-” He’s cut short by Sonny’s phone ringing. He grabs it, and picks it up. 

“Hello?”

“Carisi? It’s Liv.”

“Oh. Hey Liv.”

“Are you okay?” 

“Yes. I’m okay. I guess I have amnesia.”

“I heard it over a uni’s radio that a man had jumped off a bridge in central park. Said they found an ID and said the name was Carisim”

“I didn’t. I swear.”

“I believe you. You’ve never struck me as the suicidal type.”

The nurse walks in. “I have to go, Liv. I’ll have Raf keep you updated.” 

“Okay. Bye.”

“How are you feeling?” She asks.  

“I’m fine.” He smiles as she checks his vitals.

“Everything looks good. I’ll be back later.” She smiles and leaves the room.

He sighs and looks over at Rafael.

“I’m so tired.” Sonny whispers.

“Then sleep, Carino.”

Sonny hears a knock on the doorframe, to see his mother. 

“Hey Ma.” Sonny smiles. 

“Dominick! How’re you?” She smiles, walking to Sonny’s bedside.

“I’m fine. Really tired.”

“How are you Rafael?” She asks. 

“I’m fine. Thank you,” He smiles.

“So what happened, Dominick?”

“They said I jumped off a bridge. But I swear I didn’t. I dont remember but I wouldn’t do that.”

“I don’t know Sonny, You and Rafael-”

Rafael quickly clears his throat and glares at Donna.

“W-What?” Sonny asks.

“Nothing. Nevermind.” Rafael says quickly.

“So… Dominick are you remembering anything yet?” Changing the subject.

“N-No. Rafael has told me some but I don’t remember.”

The doctor knocks on the doorframe, walking in. “Hey, Sonny. Sorry to interrupt.” 

“Hey Doc. Can I go home yet?” Sonny tilts his head to one side.

“I was actually about to discharge you. The nurse will get you your clothes, we washed them.” The doctor smiles. 

“Thanks. Anything I should not do?” Sonny jokes.

“Your hip. Be careful. If it begins to hurt worse, come back and we’ll see about some crutches. Be careful walking on it. Your head wound, just don’t press on it. Your hair will grow back I promise you. Your ribs will be fine, they just need to heal.” He begins to sign on the clipboard, handing it to Sonny with a pen. Sonny scrawls his signature, waiting for the nurse to bring him his clothes.

She brings in a white bag, with all of his clothes in it. “Raf. Can you take my mom outside? So I can get dressed.”

“Y-Yeah. C’mon Donna.” Rafael smiles, leading her out of the room. 

Rafael and Donna engage in small talk, waiting for Sonny to come out.

Sonny walks from the room, holding his gown in his hands. He hands them to the nearest nurse, before pulling out his phone and ordering an Uber.

“Ma, do you have a way home?” Sonny asks. 

“Yeah, Dominick. Be careful, please?”

“I will, Ma. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She wraps her arms around Sonny’s lanky waist. He hugs her with one arm. She pulls away and hugs Rafael. 

“I’ll see you guys.” She says, walking towards the door.

His phones dings, signifying that their Uber was here. He looks over at Rafael, smiling before walking out with him.


	8. Chapter 8

Once they walk into their apartment, Sonny walks into his room and strips his pants off and hanging the suspenders on the door, and pulls on sweatpants. He hobbles into the living room, a twinge of pain shooting through his hip with every step. 

Rafael sits down on the couch, turning on their TV. He looks at Sonny, still feeling awkward about everything.

Sonny comes and sits down next to him, wrapping a stupidly long arm around his waist, he leans into the touch. He twiddled his thumbs a moment before turning to Sonny, hesitantly. 

“We… uh, were on a break. When all this happened.”

“W-What? Why?” Sonny asks.

“You had a major freak out. Caused a scene. Because of your PTSD.”

“I have PTSD? What happened. Rafael please.” He pleads. 

Rafael looks down, and sighs. 

“Okay.” He sighs, “Barton handcuffed you with your own handcuffs to a bed in a warehouse down the block. He cut your stomach,” He pulls up Sonny’s shirt, to show the bright pink scar. “He undressed you. Slapped you multiple times on the face and chest. Gagged you with the tie I gave you. Groped at you through your boxers. Told you he was going to rape you and then when we found you he held you hostage before he got shot.” Rafael rushes it all out. 

“T-That’s what happened? This is what happened to me?”

“Y-Yeah Sonny. He plead out to the maximum. You’re off work until you’re okay again and so am I. I’ve been taking care of you. It’s been 8 days since the attack. And yesterday they found you nearly splattered all over the concrete. That’s why they think it’s a suicide attempt. Because you and I had went on a break.”

“So you just left? Because I was a-attacked?”

“No, Sonny. You had a freak out. A retired SVU cop came to a little get together we had and you thought he was working for DX9. You had a panic attack, you and I both reacted poorly and you left and went to what I assume was a bar.”

“A-Are we still on that break? Do you not want to be with me?”

“No, we’re not still on the break. I love you Sonny.” This makes Sonny flinch, never hearing that word come from Rafael’s mouth.

“Oh, That’s another thing. You told me that you loved me. I guess it’s kinda weird that I said it huh?”

“I just didn’t expect it.” Sonny shrugs. 

“I realized when I was told that you had tried to kill yourself, that I really loved you. Through thick and thin.”

Sonny nods, not returning the words. He stares down at the floor, trying to let what had just been told to him sink in. He huffs a breath before leaning back, taking his arm from Rafael’s waist.

“I just need a minute.” Sonny breathes. He runs his hand over his bandaged head,  _ I probably need to change the bandage _ he thought.

He stands to his feet, walking to the bathroom. He takes the bandage from his head, and winces at the partially shaved look he had going. He finds the razor his dad had bought him a while back and plugged it in. He flips it on, starting to shave his own head. 

His hair grew fast, so he wouldn’t look stupid for long. He finishes up the sides, looking into the mirror. He hated how his head looked shaved, but he’d have to put up with it for the time being. He turns his back to the mirror and grabs Rafael’s handheld one off the wall. He looks at the back of his head, looking at the staples closing the nasty cut. It was about 2 inches long, maybe 2 and a half. It was swollen, and a dark angry red.

He looks at his eyes through the mirror; tired, dark. Not the Sonny he knew. His eyes looked sad, even though he didn’t think he was sad. He huffs a breath, and begins to think about what Rafael had told him. 

The pain that filled his heart immediately felt like daggers. He had really left Sonny to fend for himself in what seemed like Sonny’s most desperate time. “ _ Maybe he isn’t the one” _

He hangs the mirror back where it goes and brushes his hair down into the trash can. He walks from the bathroom, only to see Rafael laying down on the couch. He smiles, and lays down next to him.

***

When he awoke, he was covered in sweat, laying on the couch alone. He whined softly, thinking back to the dream he had.

_ “I think we need to take a break.” Rafael says calmly. _

_ “What? You can’t be serious.” Sonny whispers. _

_ “I am. We just need some time apart.” Rafael sighs. “You know I love you, but I can’t do this right now. We won’t last like this.” _

_ “I need you right now more than ever.” Sonny whimpers. _

_ “I’m sorry. I’ll move out for the time being. You can stay here. I promise I’ll come back. We just need some time.”  _

_ “Just because you fucked up doesn’t mean you get to do this.” _

_ “I know. But I just need some time to myself.” _

_ Sonny begins to openly sob. His head in his hands. _

He shakes himself from his thoughts, his chin resting on his chest. He sighs before standing to his feet, walking to their shared bedroom. 

He looks at Rafael, laying with only sweatpants on. Sonny slides off his flannel, putting the suspenders on the door. He slides off his pants and throws them in the hamper. He grabs his sweatpants, and leaves his tanktop on. He pulls the sweatpants on. Sonny crawls into bed next to him, his back facing Rafael. Rafael groans as Sonny takes his covers. Rafael turns over, grabbing him by the waist and pulling Sonny into him. Sonny squirms, trying to get free of his grasp. 

“Carino…” Rafael groans. Sonny takes his arms into his hands and pulls them away from his body and stands up. 

“Don’t even.” Sonny nearly growls. His voice caught in his throat as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Carino what’s wrong?” Rafael sits up. The Earth begins to shatter around him, as Sonny sinks to his knees.

“I remember the break. It came back in a dream. I’m scared to go to sleep because I don’t wanna go through the attack again. If it was as bad as you say it was.” 

“Sonny I don’t know how to help.” Rafael says gently. 

“You left me, Raf.” Sonny sighs. “That hurts me even now.”

“Honey… I’m sorry. You don’t understand really what you did.”

“Through thick and thin, Raf.” Sonny gestures air quotes. Sonny looks down, his fingers threading through the carpet. Rafael climbs off the bed, sitting across from Sonny.

“I love you.” He whispers. Sonny visibly cringes.

“That’s another thing. I don’t want that to be a way out. I don’t want those words being a scapegoat. I don’t want you to try making things okay with ‘I love you.’ It pisses me off.” Sonny moves to sit with his legs crossed. 

“I-I’m sorry.” Rafael is at a loss of words.

“Do you want to be with me?” Sonny asks.

“Of course Sonny!” Rafael says, moving to sit with his knees touching Sonny’s.

“Then… I don’t know Raf. I’m absolutely head over heels for you. But…” Sonny breaks off into tears. “Maybe I’m just crazy.”

“Carino…” Rafael says sympathetically. 

“I-I can’t remember the most tragic thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m a mess. I can’t even take care of myself, let alone a forty-seven year old man who needs my constant attention.”

“I don’t need your constant attention.” Rafael quickly says, his pride blinding him for a moment. Sonny glares at him and stands up, huffing a breath and walking to the living room quietly, not to upset the neighbors. He hears footsteps padding after him, he shakes his head and turns around.

“You’re so fucking full of yourself. You bitch and moan when I don’t give you the exact amount of attention you crave at that exact moment but when I say it’s that way, your ego steps in and you put your guard back up.”

Rafael looks down, biting his tongue. “You’re the clingiest person I know. You’re like a damn lap dog.” Rafael spits.

Sonny shakes his head, “You’re not ADA Barba in here. In this house you are Rafael. I swear to God if you look at me with your ‘lawyer’ look I’m gonna-” He trails off, his eyes closing.

“You’re gonna what?” The words left Rafael faster than he could comprehend. “Leave again?”

Sonny puts his hands up. “I’m done. I am done arguing with you.” Sonny groans, laying down on the couch. He pulls the blanket down onto him, and whispers “Goodnight, Raf.” 

Rafael growls lowly in his throat, before taking a deep breath. “I’m not going to sleep angry at you. You never know if you're gonna wake up.” There was a little catch in Sonny’s breath. He sits up.

“Raf… please. Just calm down and I’ll keep talking to you.” Sonny tries.

“I’m not excited yet.” Rafael growls. Sonny rolls his eyes. 

“Just stop! Please!” Sonny says a little too loud.

“You’re gonna piss of the neighbors.” Rafael says, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“They’ll be fine.” Sonny says quietly. “Just stop. Please. Stop being snarky and get out of lawyer mode for a moment.”

“I’m not  _ in  _ lawyer mode.” Rafael says, running a hand over his face. 

Sonny stands up, walking towards Rafael. Rafael begins to say something before Sonny connects their lips. He pulls away as quickly as it happened.

“I just need to get to sleep. I don’t blame you for the break. I wouldn’t want to be with Dominick Carisi Jr. either.” 

“Sonny…” Rafael says, wrapping his arms around his lanky waist. “You know I want to be with you. I wouldn’t want it any other way. You’re my moon and stars, and you mean so much to me. And any time I see you, my eyes light up like a child’s would. Liv says so. I put on this rough exterior but you make me feel like I’m a teenager, and not a forty-seven year old lawyer.” 

Sonny sighs, relaxing into the hug. He wraps his arms around Rafael and rests his chin on the top of his head. “I’m sorry for being a dick.”

“I’m sorry too.” Rafael whispers. He grabs Sonny’s hand and drags him to bed. Sonny lays down first, curling up under the blankets. Rafael crawls in after him, pulling Sonny into his chest. Sonny slides his arm underneath Rafael, Rafael settling in the crook of his arm. He begins tracing patterns on his back and shoulder blade. Rafael tangles their legs together, and pulls Sonny closer. He presses a kiss to his forehead. 

“Goodnight, Carino.”

“Goodnight, Rafi.”


	9. Chapter 9

_ "Shut up for god's sake!" Shane yells. He grabs Sonny's tie, wrapping it around Sonny's head, gagging him. He pulls it tight. Sonny whimpers into the fabric as Shane crawls on top of him again. He begins to unbutton Sonny's shirt. _

_ Sonny begins to resist, struggling again his hands. Shane holds the knife to his throat. _

_ "Stop struggling or I'll kill you right here." Shane whispers into his ear. _

_ Sonny sits stock still, as he continues to unbutton his shirt. Tears begin to fall down his face as Shane undoes his own belt. _

_ Shane stops. Holding the knife to Sonny's stomach. He pulls the blade across his skin, causing blood to collect at the cut. Sonny screams out in pain into the gag, whimpering at the sting. "God you're so fucking hot..." _

_ He runs his hands up and down Sonny's torso, causing Sonny to flinch. _

_ *** _

_ Sonny whimpers as Shane slaps his chest again. Leaving a bright handprint. Tears running down his face. He pulls the tie loose, and Sonny begins to openly sob. Shane reaches behind him to cup his crotch, rubbing it harshly. _

_ "You're getting hard... You're getting off on this.. Fucking disgusting." Shane spits. He brings another painful slap down onto Sonny's chest, causing Sonny to cry out. _

_ "Please. Please stop.." Sonny cries, gritting his teeth in pain. _

***

“Fuck!” Sonny yells, shaking violently. He opens his eyes and sees Rafael just waking up. 

“Sonny?” Rafael sits up quickly. Sonny was trembling, looking down at his quaking hands. 

“Oh-Oh my god.” Sonny looks over at Rafael. 

“Carino?” Rafael asks, he puts his hand on Sonny’s shoulder, and Sonny jerks away. 

“I remember, I remember it all.” Sonny’s breathing gets tight. “Raf… Raf. I’m having a panic attack.” Sonny was suddenly aware of how close Rafael was, become hyper aware of everything. He shoves himself off of the bed, he rolls onto the floor, trying to stand up.

“Sonny. Sonny calm down.” Rafael tries. Sonny ignores it, walking into the bathroom. He begins to run the water letting the coolness of the water run over his hands. He cups his hands and brings water to his forehead. He sobs as the water runs down his face. Rafael walks in, watching Sonny cry.

“Carino…”

“I-I can’t.” Sonny slides down the wall, sitting on the floor. 

Rafael leans down, sitting next to him. Sonny holds his head in his hands, sobbing loudly. Rafael grabs his wrist, and Sonny jerks. Rafael immediately lets go, seeing the harrowing look in Sonny’s eyes. “Please. I’m like… everything is overwhelming. I can’t… everything is too much.” He digs his palms into his eyes, sighing heavily. 

“Raf I remember every living detail. I remember the feeling of his hands all over me. On my throat, on my chest… I remember the sound of his voice. I-I remember everything.” 

“ _ Mi alma _ …” Rafael whispers. “I don’t know how to help.” 

“Just be here. I’ll calm down in a minute.” He begins to breathe more evenly, calming down gently. 

“Love… Can I…” Sonny asks, standing on his knees. Rafael grabs him by the wrist, and pulls him into his lap. Sonny sits on his thighs, his knees on either side of Rafael’s hips. He curls his arms around Rafael’s neck and shoulders, pressing his face into Rafael’s neck. Rafael rubs his back gently, running his fingers through Sonny’s short hair. He gently scratches Sonny’s scalp, staying away from his staples. He knew how to calm Sonny down from a bad day, but not from this.

Sonny sighs, relaxing into Rafael’s touch. “I love you.”

“Don’t say that just because I say it.” Rafael whispers. 

“I remember saying it now. So I love you. I meant it then, I mean it now.”

“I love you too.” Rafael whispers, pulling Sonny closer. He runs his hands down his back, and stops when he hits his pants. 

He sighs softly and nuzzles his nose into Rafael’s neck.

“Your nose is cold.” Rafael comments.

“You always say that.” He smiles.

“Let’s go to bed.” Rafael says, standing up and taking Sonny with him. Sonny whines, still shaking slightly.

Rafael sets him down on the bed gently, and pulls back the blanket and lets him crawl under them. He crawls under as well, reaching towards Sonny. Sonny rolls over and curls into him, his face buried in his chest, his arms wrapped around Rafael’s torso. 

“Goodnight, Rafa”

“Wait. Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” Rafael asks. 

“I’m sure. We will some other time. I promise.” Sonny yawns. 

“Okay. Goodnight Cariño”

“I love you.” Sonny whispers. 

“I love you too.” 


	10. Chapter 10

Sonny wakes up to a ray of sunshine in his eyes. 

He opens his eyes slightly and glares at the window. 

Rafael must hear his groans, because he rolls over and covers Sonny’s eyes. 

Sonny smiles, before whispering, “God, I’m hungry.”

“I am too.” Rafael nods, rolling back over and pulling the blanket over his head. 

“Want me to make breakfast?”

All he gets is a groan in response.

“You always want my omelettes!” Sonny giggles, standing up and walking around the bed. He reaches under the blanket, and pulls it up enough to see Rafael’s face, contorted into a frown. Sonny leans down, and kisses him. Rafael jerks back, batting him away.

“Make me coffee and  _ maybe  _ then I’ll get up.” Rafael whispers, his voice rough. Sonny smiles.

“Sure thing.” Sonny says, walking from the room. He walks to the kitchen, leaning down to the cabinet and grabbing a skillet. He looks in the fridge, He leans down slightly, grabbing the eggs, cheese and ham and shuts it, wincing at the pain in his hip. He places the skillet on the stove.

He begins to heat the skillet, grabbing the tub of butter from the fridge and throws a chunk in the skillet. Listening the the sizzle of the butter melting.

He turns to the coffee machine, and grabs the coffee grounds from the top of the cabinet. He puts the filter into the machine and pours two cups of grounds into the machine. He closes the top and presses brew.

Rafael comes up behind him, and wraps his arms around his waist. He settles his forehead on Sonny’s shoulder blade, running his fingers along his waistband.

“I’m making omelettes. Do you want one?” Sonny asks.

“No thanks. I’ll stick to my coffee for now.” Rafael whispers. 

Rafael lets him go as Sonny begins to cut up the ham. He walks over to the couch, and sits down.

He cracks a few eggs and pours it into a bowl. He throws in some cheese and he throws the chopped up ham. He mixes it up before he pours it into the skillet.

“Sonny?” Rafael says, standing up. He walks over and leans up to whisper in his ear. “Do you remember what happened on the bridge?”

Sonny looks down, shaking his head no. “No… I don’t.”

“Hopefully it’ll come back to soon.” Rafael nods. Sonny shrugs.

“I may have jumped off the bridge. I don’t remember. All of that going on? And I had a drink in me? I could have done anything.” Sonny grabs a spatula from the wall. 

“Sonny I don’t believe you would have. Something must of happened. You were NEVER suicidal. Just upset.”

“But I love you. A lot. If I thought that you may not come back, I may have done any number of things.” Sonny says, watching the pan closely. 

“Carino…” Rafael whispers. 

“Don’t. You were stressed. I understand why you did it.”  Sonny shrugs, trying to seem indifferent. 

Rafael grabs his shoulders and forces him to look at him. Sonny looks at him, confused. Rafael cups his cheek and pulls him in to kiss him. Sonny sighs, kissing him back. He pulls away, his nose scrunching up. “You taste like coffee and sad morning breath.” Sonny laughs.

Rafael rolls his eyes, shoving him away gently. “I’m serious.” 

“I am too.” Sonny raises his eyebrows challengingly. “God, I’m tired.”

“You just woke up.” Rafael points out. 

“I barely got any sleep last night.” Sonny says, flipping the omelette. 

“Then go back to sleep. Maybe you’ll remember more.” Rafael says, taking the spatula from Sonny.  

Sonny tilts his head to one side, laughing softly. “This is  _ my  _ omelette!” 

He grabs a paper plate from the cabinet and puts the omelette on it. 

“I’ll go back to bed when I finish this.” He points to the omelette, grabbing a fork. He sits down at the table, stopping Rafael before he sat down. 

“Get me some orange juice? Please?” Sonny asks.

“You’re literally two feet away.” Rafael groans.

“And I have a bad hip!” Sonny answers. Rafael gives in and walks over to the fridge, grabbing the orange juice. He grabs a glass from cabinet and pours orange juice into it. He sets the glass down on the other side of the table, farthest away from Sonny, and puts the orange juice back into the fridge. 

Sonny groans and reaches over the table and grabs his glass. He smiles and takes a sip before cutting into his omelette.

***

_ He peers over the bridge, his hands on the side looking down at the concrete below. He hears the motor get louder, and he turns his head to see the bright headlight of a motorcycle riding on the pathway.  _

_ He stands as close as he can to the edge of the bridge, to let the motorcycle pass. He hears the motor slowing down and he looks at the man driving, black hoodie, dark pants. Sonny just looks at him, his eyes still puffy for crying. _

_ He comes to a complete stop right behind Sonny. He climbs off his bike as Sonny turns to face him. _

_ “Should have never messed with DX9 man, Shane was one of ours.” The man speaks. He was burly, not too much bigger than Sonny though. _

_ “Whoa, calm down.” Sonny begins to panic, thinking that the man was there to finish the job. The man pushes Sonny back and turns him around, until his knees hit the side of the bridge. It was only up to his hips to begin with. _

_ Sonny struggles, looking over the side of the bridge. He continues to push, pushing his upper half over the side. Sonny jerks, loosening the man’s grip, turning around. The man grabs his coat again, forcing him to sit on the concrete wall of the bridge. Sonny begins to scream, before the man shoves him off the side of the bridge, falling onto the concrete below. _

***

Sonny jerks up, sweat rolling down his face and chest. He reaches for his phone, snatching it up. He pulls up Liv’s contact before yelling for Rafael.

“Carino? Jesus you’re sweating…” Rafael says, sitting down next to him.

“I remember what happened. Someone from DX9 pushed me off the bridge. He was huge, burly, and had a motorcycle. It was black.”

“Are you sure?” Rafael asks.

“As sure as a heart attack.” Sonny nods, pressing the call button on Liv’s contact.

***

Once everyone had left, and a very awkward conversation with Liv and JJ. Liv had gotten his statement, and they were looking for the guy. He was a known DX9 member, and had been in prison before.

“I’m probably able to go back to work.” Sonny tells Rafael.

“I’m not so sure.” Rafael replies, stepping out of the bathroom, his hair wet. Sonny missed taking showers with Rafael.

“Why not?” Sonny says, 

“It’s only been two weeks. You’re not ready to go look rapists in the eye yet.” Rafael says, sitting down next to Sonny.

“We’re losing money the longer I sit on my ass.” Sonny says, shrugging.

“Sonny I told you. I could retire and we’d be fine.” Rafael grumbles. 

“I can’t sit in this house anymore. I’m gonna go take a walk.”

He grabs his coat from the door and pulls it on, then pulling on his shoes. “You coming Rafa?”

“No. I wanna catch up on my show. Have fun. Be safe.”

“DX9 will come after me again.” Sonny winks, taking his gun holster from the table beside the door. He loops it around himself, and walks to the bedroom. He grabs his pistol from his safe and places it gently in the holster. The gun sits on his hip. He begins to make his way towards the door.

“I’ll see you later, love.” Sonny smiles, walking out the door.

***

He walks past a jewelry shop, stopping to look in the windows. He thinks for a moment.

_ “I did want to get Rafael a ring...” _

Sonny walks in, and the little bell rings. He walks around to the counter and rings the reception bell.

“Hello!” Someone says from the back, he emerges from the back door and shakes Sonny’s hand. “Looking for something?”

“Yes. An engagement ring.” 

“Ooh! That lucky lady!”

Sonny clears his throat, a blush covering his features. “It’s actually a man.” 

“Oh! That’s fine, I’m sorry I assumed.”

“You’re okay… I want something with white gold?”

“I think I have just the thing. Is he very… elegant?”

“You could say that.” Sonny laughs.

“I have just the thing.” He walks down the counter, and pulls a little box from under the table. He walks back and opens the box. Sonny audibly gasps.

It was a white gold band, with little blue jewels lining the band, leading into a triangle starburst cut diamond.

“How much?” Sonny asks.

“$3,128.99” He says. 

He sits and ponders for a moment. Rafael would kill him if he bought this… But he’d love every second of it.

“I’ll take it.” Sonny smiles. He pulls his credit card from his wallet.

***

He walks back into his apartment, the ring in his pocket. He needed to figure out a way to ask. He wanted to ask soon.

He yawns, walking out and poking the sleeping Rafael.

“Raf. Raf!” Sonny shakes him.

“What?” Rafael groans, rolling over to face the back of the couch.

“You probably need to wake up.”

“I’m going back to sleep.” He grumbles.

Sonny sighs, lifting up Rafael’s legs, and sitting under them. Rafael groans, digging his head into his pillow. “Leave me alone…” He whispers.

“I just wanna watch some TV.”

“Then sit in the chair!” Rafael says playfully, kicking his feet like a child, hitting Sonny in the ribs. He sputters and coughs, pain engulfing his entire rib cage.

“Raf my ribs!” He howls, standing up. He sits down on the coffee table, holding onto his rib cage.

“Sorry! I-I forgot.” Rafael sits up quickly, unsure of what to do.

“It’s fine… Just a bit of pain…” Sonny sighs, his eyes closing. Another twinge of pain shoots through him, causing him to gasp out.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?” Rafael asks, placing his hand on Sonny’s knee.

“No. I’ll be fine.” Sonny says, attempting to stand up. Rafael stands up, helping Sonny up and onto the couch. He lies back, his head laying on the back of the couch. He takes in a deep breath, sighing it out. 

“I’m sorry.” Rafael sits down next to him. 

“No it’s okay. We usually play rough any other time.” Sonny laughs, wiggling his eyebrows.

Rafael rolls his eyes, leaning his head on Sonny’s shoulder. “You’re too much.” Rafael laughs, “Liv invited us to the police benefit tonight.”

“What time does it start? Is it like a dance like it was last year?”

“It starts at 7. It’s like a formal dance. I may have already picked out your tux.”

“What do you mean? I already have one?”

“You now have two. I went out while you were taking a walk”

“Oh? Can I see it?”

“Hm…” Rafael pauses. “No. You’ll wait until tonight.”

“How do you know it’ll fit?” Sonny asks.

“I know your measurements. You haven’t gained or lost any weight that I can tell, and you’re not any taller.” 

“But still. Rafael, it better not be white.”

“Hmmm…” Rafael trails off.

“Raf! It better not be white! I will  _ not  _ wear it!”

“Please carino! You’ll look so good.”

“No!” He laughs, standing up. “I wanna see it.”

Rafael sighs, standing up. He walks into the bedroom and brings out a suit bag. He pulls it up, showing a white tux with a shiny blue waistcoat and a shiny matching tie.

“No! I will not!” Sonny laughs. “I like my red and black one!”

“Please carino.” Rafael gives his best puppy dog look. Sonny sighs.

“What are you wearing?”

“My red and black one.” Rafael smiles.

“Fine. If I get comments or stares I swear to God I’m never sleeping with you again.”

“Fine! Deal!” Rafael smiles.

Sonny looks over at the clock, it was 5 pm. 

He follows Rafael into the bedroom, and shuts the door behind him. He looks at Rafael, who walked into their bathroom and started the shower. 

He shuts the door, and Sonny sits down on the bed, waiting for him to get into the shower. He lays back on the bed, thinking about seeing the gang since the minor freak out. He hoped that they didn’t hold it against him. 


	11. Chapter 11

He slips off his clothes and sneaks into the bathroom. He shuts the door behind him and pokes his head through the curtain.

“Mind some company?”

“You tried so hard to be sneaky.”

“I am sneaky.” He climbs into the shower and stands behind Rafael. “I’ve missed this.” He grabs the shampoo from the shower caddie and begins to wet down his hair.

Rafael turns to face him, and leans up to kiss him. He traces his fingers down Sonny’s sides, pulling a shiver from him. 

Sonny kisses back, before some soap from Rafael’s hair fell down between their lips.

Sonny coughs and sputters and spits several times into the drain, trying to get rid of the bitter taste.

“Eugh.” He spits once more before switching Rafael spots underneath the shower head. He sets the shampoo down, before rinsing Rafael’s hair. Once all the soap was removed, he leans down and kisses him again. Rafael wraps his arms around Sonny’s shoulders and Sonny’s arms wind around his waist. He kisses him several times. He runs his hands up Rafael’s sides, stopping on either side of Rafael’s head. He sighs into the kiss, relaxing. The water pours over them, Sonny’s short hair pasted to his forehead. Rafael moves his hands up Sonny’s head, and hits one of his staples. Sonny gasps at the sharp pain, pulling away quickly.

“Shit. Sorry. Oh god I’m sorry I keep fucking up.”

“No, no it’s fine.” He pauses, thinking. “Ugh… I love you way too much.”

“I love you too, my sweet prince.”

“Sweet prince? That’s new.” Sonny grins.

“I’m trying new things.”

“It’s not spanish though. It’s very unlike you.” Sonny laughs, kissing the spot behind Rafael’s ear. Rafael rolls his eyes and puts his hands on Sonny’s lean chest.

“C’mon. Let me wash off and we can sit in the living room for a while. Blare some music?”

“Sounds good.” He grabs his loofa and pours his expensive body wash on it, beginning to wash off quickly.

Sonny decides against washing his small amount of hair, he grabs his loofa as well and begins to wash off with his own body wash.

After he rinses all the suds off of him, he steps out onto the mat and grabs his towel. He dries off, being mindful of the cut on his head. He goes to take a step forward and a sharp pain shoots through his hip. He gasps and braces himself on the sink and sighs.

“Carino?” Rafael asks as he turns off the water. He pokes his head out to see Sonny leaned against the sink.

“My hip popped.” Sonny dismisses as he stands up straight. He begins to walk towards the bedroom and his closet, he grabs his boxers and a tank top. He slips them on quickly, walking out to the living room. He searches for his phone, grabbing it from the table. He plugs it into their stereo and turns on his 80s album. He sighs as “Heat of the Moment” begins to play. Rafael comes from the bedroom, wearing exactly what Sonny was, just different colors. 

Sonny begins to hum along to the song, and feels Rafael’s hands on his hips. He turns around to face him and Sonny begins to sway his hips.

“I am  _ not  _ dancing with you to “Heat of the Moment.” Rafael groans.

“You know, I’d be a damn good stripper. Let me prove it! I have just the song!” Sonny says excitedly and walks over to the stereo and turns on “Pour Some Sugar on Me”.

“As much as I’d love a lap dance from a scrawny kid like you, I’m not letting you. Your hip just popped.” Rafael says, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll be fine!” 

“We need to get ready anyway.” Rafael says, turning around to the bedroom. “Your tux is on the back of the couch.”

Sonny pouts for a moment, before he unzipped the suit bag. He chuckles at the white pristine suit, the blue going well with his eyes. 

He pulls on the pants, and then pulls on the button up shirt. He tucks in the white shirt and buttons his pants. He buttons up the shirt and then grabs the shiny blue tie. 

He loops it around his neck and ties it quickly. He pulls on the shiny waistcoat and smooths his tie down his abs. He buttons up the waistcoat and walks into the bedroom to find Rafael. Rafael had his entire tux on. The waistcoat was royal red, and the jacket was black. He had a red bowtie on. 

“I like the bowtie.” Sonny smiles.

“I didn't know how I felt about it.” Rafael says, looking in the mirror. 

“It suits you.” He says, adjusting it slightly. Rafael smirks, looking up and down Sonny’s form. 

“I love that tux.” Rafael says, kissing Sonny’s cheek. Sonny smiles. “I would tell you to go style your hair but you have none. Do you need a bandage over that cut?”

“Probably not. As long as no one hits me.” Sonny laughs. 

“I wouldn't put it past Rollins.” Rafael rolls his eyes. 

“Quit hating on Rollins. She my partner.” 

“ _ I’m  _ your partner.” Rafael growls. 

“Raf! She’s my partner at work.” Sonny was slightly amused at the jealousy. 

“Yeah and you tried to make a move on her and she denied you for a fucking bartender.” Rafael says, walking to the bathroom. 

“I was drunk! She was drunk! It doesn't matter. If she would have slept with me I would have never called you that night, drunk and crying and confessed my feelings for you.”

“Still! You're a fucking national treasure and she turned you down!” He yells from the bathroom. 

“We’re still friends.” Sonny says, walking to the bathroom and leaning in the doorway. 

“I know.” Rafael says as he finishes styling his hair. “What time is it?” 

Sonny grabs his phone from the nightstand. “6:38.”

“We better get going.” Rafael says, “Can you call an Uber?” 

“Yeah.” Sonny nods. He orders an Uber, “Where even is this?” Sonny asks. He grabs his jacket from the couch.

“Liv gave me the address. I don't recognize it.” Rafael says. 

***

Once their Uber drops them off at the location, Rafael looks up at the tall building. “Liv said third floor I think.” 

“You think huh?” Sonny smiles, holding his arm out for Rafael to take. “C’mon. I have to have some arm candy to show off.”

“If anything you’re MY arm candy,” Rafael laughs, taking Sonny’s arm. They walk in, getting to the elevator and going up to the third floor. 

They walk in, seeing a plethora of people. The music wasn’t exactly classy, but it wasn’t party music either. 

“Who is this out on by?” Sonny asks. 

“The DA’s office, actually. If I was at work I would have had to help plan this.” Rafael nods at people as they walk by. Rafael rarely smiled out in public, keeping his asshole persona alive. He wasn’t like this at home, but he wanted to seem tough and unforgiving outside of the house. Especially around coworkers. 

Sonny smiled at people, being his normal self. He spots Amanda, pulling Rafael towards her. 

“Sonny I will not tolerate her shit tonight.” Rafael whispers, looking up at his lover. 

“Don’t worry. I think Amanda knows that you don’t like her.” 

“Carisi! Barba!” She smiles, pulling Sonny down for a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Sonny laughs softly, hugging her back. He peaks over at Rafael to see him rolling his eyes. Sonny stands straight up, away from Amanda. “Watch the hip.” He smiles. 

“Your hair! What even happened? Lieu wouldn’t even tell me.”

“DX9 member shoved me off the side of a bridge in Central Park.” Sonny turns around and points to the healing wound on the back of his head. He turns back around and leans down to whisper to her: “Raf hates my hair like this. Less to pull.” Sonny winks. 

“At least try to whisper, detective.” Rafael rolls his eyes. 

“Can I borrow him for a second?” Amanda asks, pointing towards the food bar. 

“Be my guest. I have to find my boss anyway.” Rafael shoots back. Amanda takes Sonny’s arm and pulls him over to the snack bar. 

“Have you guys even, you know. Since the whole ordeal?”

“Erm, no. He’s been a complete gentleman about it. Hasn’t even try to initiate anything. I do the initiation and then chicken out.”

“He’s probably missing it, Carisi.”

“I doubt it. The man may have best drive for a forty-seven year old man but I don’t think he misses this sweet ass just yet. He’s being respectful.” 

“Do you think you’ll ever… Victims say they never have sex again after an assault.”

“I know what they say, Amanda. Yes. We will at some point. Hell, even tonight. I’m fine at this point. He just doesn’t wanna push. I’m assuming you’re on a dry spell? You never ask about this unless you’re on a dry spell.”

“Nah. Just worried about my sex-starved partner.” She pats him on the back. 

“I am not sex starved.” Sonny snips back. “It’s not like he’s withholding anything. He just wants to give me time. I was nearly raped…”

“Don’t play the victim card.” Amanda says, giving him a look. Sonny looks up. 

Rafael was standing behind her, his arms crossed, “He IS a victim of sexual assault. I do recall you telling him that. Don’t tell him he’s not a victim”

Amanda turns around, her smile fading. “I never said he wasn’t a victim. I told him to not use the victim card.” 

Rafael nods, walking around her and latching onto Sonny’s arm. “How have you been, Rollins?” He asks. 

“I’ve been fine.” She says cautiously. 

“Sonny, Liv wants to talk to you.” Rafael says, looking up at Sonny, never losing his smug grin. 

“O-Okay. I’ll talk to you later, Amanda.” 

“See you, Carisi.”

Rafael pulls him away, towards a group of people. “What the hell was that about?” Sonny asks. 

“Telling you you can’t use the victim card? Fuck her!” Rafael says a little too loudly. 

“Raf, calm down. I shouldn’t have used it anyway.” 

“What were you guys talking about anyway?”

“Stuff I’ll tell you about later. When there’s not people around.” Sonny says quietly as he approaches Fin, Olivia, Chief Dodds and JJ.

“Carisi!” Fin says happily. He claps him on the back, nearly knocking the wind out of Sonny. 

“Lieu, Chief, Fin. Hey JJ.” Sonny says, waving. 

“Hey, Sonny.” Jacob smiles. “How have you been? I heard what happened, that must of been terrible.”

“I’m fine. Healing.” Sonny says back, not exactly sure how he knew.

“When are you coming back to work?” Fin asks. 

“Whenever Liv says the word.” Rafael says quickly. Sonny looks over at him. 

“I thought it was when my doctor-“

“Doctor called today. Said you’re good to go.” 

“Lieu, can I come back?” Sonny says, a smile creeping up on him. 

“Give it one more week, for good measure.” Liv says, after a moment. “You’ll be on desk duty though.”

“Oh c’mon!” Sonny smiles. He expected that much. 

Liv smiles, looking over to Rafael. “How have you been, Rafa?”

“Oh I’ve been great. Near crazy from lack of work. But great.” He smiles. 

“You get as much time off as Carisi, right?” 

“Yes. DA was very generous, losing one of his best ADAs.”

“How’d you get him to go for that?” Fin asks. 

“Just told him what was going on and that Sonny really needed me at the moment.”

Sonny looks down, feeling awkward that all of this was over him.

“Hey. Lets go dance.” Chief Dodds asks Liv. She seems slightly shocked, but follows him out onto the dance area. 

“Lets go dance!” Sonny says, relieved at the subject change. 

“Oh I don’t know Sonny…” Rafael says. 

“Please!” Sonny says, grabbing Rafael’s arm. It was a slower song, with all the young cadets out on the floor, dancing together. 

“Sonny it’s just young cadets. Not old ADAs and their detective boyfriends.” Rafael argues. 

“You’re not old. Only near 50.” Sonny jokes. “C’mon. Lets go.” 

“Sonny I don’t… we’ve never danced before.” 

“Yes we have. Remember the bar? Like two weeks after we started dating?”

“After the Stellars case?” 

“Yeah! We went to that shady bar with the squad.”

“I don’t remember that night in the slightest cause you made me drink vodka instead of scotch.” 

“C’mon. Please? For me?” Sonny says, tilting his head to one side. 

“Fine. Only to this slow song though.” Rafael says, Sonny makes a happy noise and pulls him out onto the floor. 

Sonny takes one of Rafael’s hands into his own, holding it in the air, and puts the other on his shoulder. Rafael puts a hand on Sonny’s waist. Sonny begins to sway back and forth, before Rafael quips in. 

“I feel like I’m back at my eighth grade dance all over again.” He says, looking down at his feet, before looking back up at Sonny.

“Just let me enjoy this, okay?” Sonny asks, leaning his head down onto Rafael’s forehead. 

“I suppose.” Rafael smirks, “All my coworkers are seeing me look… Soft.” 

“And?” Sonny asks.

“Buchanan is here. So is Rita.” Rafael whispers.

“...And?” 

“I have to keep up the tough guy persona! If they see me looking soft they’ll use you as blackmail or something.” 

Sonny ignores him, taking his hand from his shoulder and twirling him around. Rafael blushes, unnoticeable to most people. Not to Sonny. The song slowly fades out, and Rafael leads them off the dance floor. Rita makes a beeline towards them. 

“Didn’t know you danced, Rafael.” Rita says, some sort of drink in her hand. 

“I don’t. I make exceptions for cute Italian men though. Why don’t you go dance with Buchanan? Or Dworkin over there?” 

“I don’t dance with scumbags.” She smiles, taking a sip of her drink. 

Sonny smiles at Jacob, who was looking slightly lost in the sea of people. Sonny waves him over. 

“I know how you feel. It’s all really intimidating at first, but once you get to know everyone and win a few cases you’ll be fine.”

“I hope so,” Jacob smiles, “Everyone is my elder here.”

“Yeah, how did you get out of school this early?” Sonny asks. “You’re what, 30?”

“27. I worked my ass off to get where I am.” Jacob smiles, stuffing a hand into his pocket.

“You remind me of Nick. Where are you from?”

“South Bronx.” Jacob says, “I live with my sister in Manhattan now.”

“Where does she work?” Sonny asks, waving at someone walking past. 

“She’s seven.” Jacob says, “Our mother died when she was young.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.” Sonny says softly. 

“It’s okay. How are you and Barba doing?”

“We’re doing really well.” Sonny says, “He makes me happy.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

Sonny looks over at Rafael, “I kinda want to go home.” Sonny whispers.

“Rita as much as I’d like to talk to you, I have to go.” Rafael quips. 

“See you, JJ.” Sonny smiles.

They make their rounds saying goodbye to everyone, and order an Uber. 


	12. Chapter 12

Sonny shuts the door behind him, going immediately to their bedroom. He begins stripping out of his tux, leaving only his undershirt and boxers on,  hanging it up properly. He walks into their bathroom, grabbing a towel from under the sink and places it on the sink. He sighs loudly. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about what Amanda said.  _ Will he ever be able to have sex again? Was he playing the victim? _

He hears a knock on the door. 

“Yeah?” Sonny says, looking at himself in the mirror.

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah I’m fine. Just gonna take a shower. Why?” 

“You seem off. You were quiet the entire car ride home.” 

Sonny sighs, “I’m fine. Just have a lot on my mind.”

“Is it what Rollins said?” 

“Raf, I really don’t wanna talk about it.” Sonny snaps.

“O-Okay. I’m here if you need me.” Rafael says, padding away into the living room. 

He sits down on the couch, turning on the TV.  _ What had Rollins said to him?  _ He picks up his phone.

He opens his phone, and shoots a text to the contact labeled ‘Rollins’ 

_ What did you say to Sonny? He’s locked himself in the bathroom and is very snippy and angry. _

A few seconds later he gets a reply as the water for the shower turns on. 

_ Nothing really. Carisi has a tendency to be dramatic. _

Rafael huffs a breath. 

_ What did you say…? He’s pretty upset and won’t tell me. _

_ He’ll tell you when he’s ready, i suppose.  _

Rafael rolls his eyes and puts his phone face down on the couch. He mindlessly flips through channels before stopping on the game. He hated sports, but Sonny had got him into the games. 

The bathroom door swings open and hits the wall, and a pink Sonny walks out and into their bedroom. 

“Sonny…?” Rafael asks.

“What, Raf?”

Rafael stands up, walking into their bedroom.

“What did Rollins say to you?” He demands softly.

“Raf I REALLY don’t want to talk about this.”

“What’s wrong?” He asks, sitting down on their bed. 

“Raf it’s really nothing.” Sonny says, pulling on one of his Fordham law shirts. 

“Obviously it’s something or you wouldn’t be like this.” 

“Amanda brought up our sex life.” Sonny says in a ‘there I said it’ tone.

“What about it? I’m not going to force you into anything you don’t want.”

“That’s what I told her but…” Sonny trails off.

“But what?” Rafael asks. 

“I honestly don’t know. Some days I think I’d be fine, and then other days I feel like I’ll never be able to again.” 

“Sonny… You know I don’t want you for the sex.” 

“Yes Raf I know but you have to be missing it or something.” 

“No. I don’t miss it. I won’t miss it until you’re 100% better. I respect you.”

“I know, Rafi.” Sonny sighs, sitting on the other end of the bed, by the headboard. He lays back, “I’d be willing to try.”

“Sonny… I don’t know. I don’t want you to feel forced.”

“I wouldn’t feel that way. I’d ask to stop if I felt uncomfortable.”

“Ask? No, you’d TELL me to stop if you feel uncomfortable.” He’s cut off by his phone ringing from the other room. “I probably need to take that.” Sonny waves him off, and Rafael scurries into the other room. 

“Hello? Carmen what do you need?” 

Sonny stands up and goes into the other room, with Rafael. He has his hand on his hip and he’s pacing like someone is dying.

“Carmen I don’t know if I can… I have Sonny…” 

“I’m not a child. Do whatever you need to do.” Sonny says.

“I-I guess. Yes. I can. As long as you bring everything she needs. Okay. Bye bye.”

“What was that about?”

“Carmen has an emergency. And uh… You know how she had little baby Mariana?” 

“Yes?” 

“I was the last person she could call. She needs someone to watch her for the night.” 

“Wait seriously.” Sonny says. 

“You can always go to Rollins-”

“We get to watch a baby?!” He nearly squeals. 

“Jesus I thought you were mad.” Rafael laughs. 

“No no of course not! If there’s one thing the Carisi’s are good at, it’s watching little ones.” 

“Truth be told I’ve only held a baby a handful of times.” Rafael says nervously. “I really don’t like children.”

“What about Noah?” Sonny asks.

“Noah is different. I’ve known him since he was a baby.” Rafael says, “Carmen said she was just a block away. She said she was giving us Mariana if we liked it or not. It sounds important.”

There’s a knock on their door. Sonny goes to open it before Rafael steps in front of him. He opens the door.

“Hey, Carmen.” Rafael says, looking down at small pumpkin seat with the month old baby in it.

“Oh god Rafael thank you so much. I’d take her with me but I’m going to be taking care of my dad tonight and I just don’t have the time to look after two infants.” Carmen says, handing the pumpkin seat to Rafael. 

Sonny steps in and takes the diaper bag, smiling down at Mariana. 

“She’s in good hands, Carmen.” Sonny says quickly. 

“Thank you guys. It’ll be good practice.”

“Absolutely not-” 

“Bye Mariana. Be good for mommy.” She leans down to place a kiss on the baby’s head. “Bye, thank you again. I’ll come and get her tomorrow morning. She needs to eat. Do you know how to make formula?”

“I do.” Sonny says, smiling.

“I trust you guys.”

“That’s misguided.” Rafael says.

“Bye Carmen.” Sonny says. She reaches and shut the door, and Rafael looks down at Mariana. 

“She’s not gonna bite you, Rafael.”

“Yes but she may throw up on me.” Rafael says quickly. Sonny sighs, taking the pumpkin seat from Rafael. He sets the diaper bag on the kitchen table, and sets Mariana’s seat on the couch. 

“Ohhhh. Hello!” Sonny says, “You’re hungry aren’t you? Let’s get you a nice warm bottle.” 

Sonny goes into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle from the baby bag. He grabs the formula powder from the bag as well, giving the instructions a once-over and begins to make the bottle.

Rafael looks down at her again, and looks over at Sonny. He thanks God himself for such a man. 

Sonny grabs a towel from the baby bag, and Rafael briefly wondered what the difference was between that towel and the brand new ones they had in their bathroom. Sonny sets the bottle down, and unbuckles the little buckles and pulls her from the seat. He sits down on the couch, holding her close. She had a cute little onesie on. Rafael sits down in the chair next to him, and watches him feed her.

“There you go.” He whispers, her head nestled in the bend of his arm. Rafael felt like a complete loser. He didn’t have any family, only his mother so he never had any little cousins or siblings. He’s never taken care of a baby before. 

Sonny on the other hand, looked like a full time mother at this point. She had finished her bottle, and he was burping her. He had the towel on his shoulder, so if she spit up it wouldn’t get on his shirt. How smart was this man?

“You’ve done this a lot, haven’t you?” Rafael asks.

“My family is huge, there’s a lot of Carisi’s. Therefore, a lot of babies coming and going. I took care of Bella’s baby a lot when she was born. Tommy wasn’t much help during that. He said it was the gay in me that makes me so good with kids.” Sonny chuckles.

Rafael half-smiles. 

“Wanna hold her?” Sonny asks after she burps.

“No. I haven’t held a baby her size in ten years.” 

“C’mon Raf. It’s not hard. Just support her head and you’re good.” 

“We need to go to bed anyway. Where is she gonna sleep?” 

“I think they’re a baby mat in her bag. They’re thick and puffy. She’ll sleep right through the night.” Sonny says, “Won’t ya doll?” 

“I haven’t heard you ever call anyone ‘doll’” Rafael says, one eyebrow perking up.

“I do it to women in my life. So you wouldn’t have.” Sonny says, standing up slowly and searching for the baby mat. 

*** 

Sonny slept like the dead, and usually Rafael did too. But tonight he was too worried about the child in their living room. He jerked upward when she started crying, and looked over at Sonny who was still dead asleep. He considered waking him up, but then decided against it. He stood up shakily, and walked into their living room and turning up the lighting just a bit. He looks at her, very intimidated. And coming from a man who looks serial rapists in the eye, that was sad. 

He sat down on the couch next to her, and looked down her diaper to see she was clean.  _ Why is she crying?  _

His  _ Mami  _ told him that he would cry when he wasn’t being held in the night. She always told him he was a real momma’s boy. He very carefully picked her up, and laid her against his chest. She quickly calmed down,  _ probably from the warmth _ he thought.

He held her close, and laid down on his back. Maybe they could both get some sleep tonight. He looked down at her, and she looked so cute like this. 

***

Sonny wakes up around 6 am, when the light was just barely peeking in the blinds. He looks over to see Rafael was gone. He got out of bed, and wandered into the living room to see the cutest sight he had ever saw in his entire life.

Rafael was on his back, and little Mariana was on his chest. He had a large hand on her back, and they were both sound asleep. 

Sonny pulls out his phone, and takes a picture. He send it to Carmen with the caption:  _ I think he likes her.  _

He shoves his phone back into his pocket and quietly walks into the kitchen. He begins to make breakfast for them both. He hears a quiet knock on the door, and Sonny walks to open it. He smiles as Carmen stands there in sweatpants and a t-shirt, he quickly holds a finger to his lips and motions for her to come inside. He points to Rafael on the couch, still sound asleep. 

“Never thought I’d see the day.” She laughs. 

Rafael’s eyes flutter open, and it takes him a moment to realize what is going on. He clears his throat, and looks down at Mariana, then back at Carmen. 

“I suppose you want her back?” Rafael says softly. 

“You got her sleeping pretty good haven’t you?” Carmen says, all smiles.

Rafael’s cheeks heat up, and he slowly starts to sit up. He holds Mariana as he sits up and she opens her eyes. 

“She wouldn’t stop crying. Nothing was wrong. She just wanted to be held.” Rafael mutters quietly. Sonny takes her from him, and puts her in her pumpkin seat. He buckles her up nice and tight before handing her to Carmen.

“You know, I’m gonna get that framed. It’s going on my desk.”

“You’re getting what framed?” Rafael pauses, “Sonny I swear if you took a picture of me…”

“Never woulda thought of it Rafi.” Sonny smiles, looking over at Carmen. Carmen picks up her diaper bag, and begins to head for the door.

“Wait, Carmen. Do you want some breakfast?” Sonny asks.

“No, thank you. I just wanna be home with my baby.” 

“Suit yourself.” Sonny says, smiling. “Thanks for letting us watch her.”

“No, Thank YOU for watching her.” Carmen says, opening the door. “Mr. Barba, will I see you soon?”

“We’re thinking Monday I’ll be back.” Rafael smiles, “Please, call me Rafael from now on.” 

She nods, and closes the door behind her. Rafael looks at Sonny, and Sonny smiles.

“You looked really cute with that baby.” Sonny says, going back to making breakfast.

“Yeah, Yeah make fun of me.” Rafael says, walking towards the bedroom. 

“What did you say about going back to work Monday? That’s two days from now?”

“Yeah. I talked Liv into letting you come back sooner.”

“Oh sweet! Come back. I’m making breakfast, babe.”

Rafael sighs, walking back into the living room. 

“Why don’t we do that? Why don’t we adopt a child?” 

“Raf… We’re not even married. They won’t give us a kid.”

“Then why don’t we get married?” Rafael says simply. 

Sonny freezes, “What did you just say?”

“Why don’t we just get married?” 

“I thought you were afraid of the c-commitment.” Sonny says nervously, thinking about the ring in the top of their closet. 

“If it means spending more time with you, I’m completely fine with it.”

“Raf you’re nearly 50 and you’ve never been married-”

“You don’t want to get married.” Rafael says, like it had just hit him. “Sorry, I just assumed-”

“Raf I’m not saying that. It’s just.” Sonny says, “Watch this for a minute. I’ll be right back.”

Sonny hands him the spatula and walks to their bedroom. He opens the closet door and fishes the ring box out. He walks back into the kitchen, and looks at Rafael. 

He looked confused. Sonny keeps eye contact as he kneels down on one knee.

“Jesus Christ.” Rafael says, a hand covering his eyes then sliding down his face.

“I was gonna wait until our one year to do this.” Sonny takes a deep breath. “I can’t believe how far we’ve come. You mean the world to me. You opened up to me after months of deflections and lawyer talk. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. I was  _ going  _ to call your mom and get permission for this but… Rafael Barba, will you marry me?” 

Rafael says nothing, and nods. He smiles and pulls Sonny up and into a hug.

“You’re an ass. I have an entire evening planned out for us.” Sonny says into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Rafael pulls away, and Sonny slides the ring on Rafael’s finger. Rafael looks away, and Sonny hears a sniffle.

“You’re crying aren’t you. ‘Big tough lawyer’ my ass!” Sonny pulls Rafael into a hug. “I love you so much.” 

“I love you too Sonny. Te amo.”

*** 

Rafael walks into the squad room Monday, his suit pulling out the color of his eyes. Olivia walks out to meet him, and smiles as her eyes are drawn to the vibrant blue on his left hand. 

“Thought Carisi would never ask.” 

“It’s honestly a funny story…”

“Raf I swear on my Nonna if you tell one more person about this…” Sonny says from his desk. Rafael ignores him and continues to tell the story. Sonny lets out a sigh and leans back in his chair, he thought this paperwork would never end.

“Carisi.” Liv says after a few hours.

“Yes, Lieu?” 

“Go home. It’s late.” She says, walking into her office. Giving him no way to object. He looks down at all the work he had, he stands up and goes to put it all into folders.

“And don’t take any work home! Barba needs help on the case!” She yells from her office. Sonny sighs and puts it all on the table. He walks from the squadroom, making his way to Rafael’s office.


	13. Chapter 13

When he makes it there, Rafael is hunched over his desk.

“You need my help? With a case?” Sonny says. 

“No. I don’t need your help. I never need your ‘lawyer’ advice, Carisi.” He snaps. Sonny is taken aback, and he makes his way to the door. Rafael looks up finally, and there’s pure fire in his eyes. Sonny looks at him for a moment.

“I’m going home.” Sonny murmurs before opening the door, and shutting it behind him. He orders an Uber, and waits for it at the entrance of the building. He hated when Rafael got like this, he assumed that since he just got back to work he was overwhelmed. Sonny was overwhelmed, too. But he didn’t see the point in snapping at each other. When his Uber arrives, he climbs in and murmurs his address. 

He looks out the window on the drive back, the night was young. He was hoping to take Rafael out to dinner tonight, but it didn’t look that way. 

When he walked into his apartment, he shucked off his coat and hung it on the rack. He carefully strips out of his suit, and hops in the shower.

***

Sonny lies awake in bed, unable to sleep. He sits up, and grabs his phone. He scrolls mindlessly through facebook, until he hears the latch of the door click. He puts his phone down and lays down. He turns over to where he’s facing away from Rafael’s side. He hears the liquor cabinet open, and shut.  _ It’s nearly 1am and he’s still gonna fucking work?  _

Sonny huffs a breath and lays there. He must of dozed off, because the next time he’s woken up was by Rafael climbing into bed. He feels a hand on the center of his back and he ignores it. He feels another hand on his hip, trying to turn him over. 

“What do you want?” Sonny says, rolling onto his back and sitting up on his elbows. 

“Just trying to get close to you.” Rafael says, confusion in the other man’s actions and attitude. 

“You really think I’m down to cuddle right now?” Sonny nearly snarls.

“W-What?” Rafael asks.

“It was so insignificant you don’t even remember, do you?” Sonny huffs and climbs out of bed. He walks to the door and leans against the frame.

“Sonny today is all a blur. I ran around like a chicken with no head.” 

“That’s not what you called me earlier.” Sonny says, his head dropping so his chin hit his chest.

Realization dawns on Rafael. “Sonny I didn’t mean that… You know that. I was just stressed out.” 

“You know how much that upsets me…” Sonny says, “Yet you did it anyway. You were just  _ trying  _ to hurt me.” He knew he’d never get an apology for it, but he was sure as hell gonna try. He looks up to see Rafael standing up and out of the bed. He swayed a little when he began to walk.

“Are you fucking drunk!?” Sonny growls.

“N-No. I’m just tipsy, if that.” 

“I’m sleeping on the couch tonight, so you feel how I felt today. Alone. Don’t even bother. Go back to bed. Maybe we’ll talk about this when you’re sober.” Sonny says, opening their bedroom door and slamming it shut. He pondered talking a walk, but with how well it went for him last time he decided against it. 

He sits on the couch, and lays back so his head rested on the armrest. He hears Rafael shuffle around in the bedroom, and then there’s silence. He heard Rafael snoring softly, and chuckled shallowly and tried to sleep.

***

When his alarm went off the next morning, he made coffee for the both of them. He walks into the bathroom and shaves and brushes his teeth. He walks into the bedroom and pulls on a suit as Rafael gets out of bed. As he’s tying his tie, two arms wrap around his stomach. He bats them away and walks into the kitchen, grabbing his coffee. He looks over at the clock, and sees he’s early. As he walks to the door, he hears Rafael.

“Sonny. You can’t walk to work alone.” 

“Watch me.” Sonny growls, and grabs his coat and gun. Looking for his badge. He finds it finally, and loops both onto his person. He walks out the door, and shuts it gently. He didn’t want to piss off the neighbors. 

***

When he walks into the squadroom, he sits back down at his desk and opens his laptop. He begins filing paperwork again, and Olivia walks to his desk.

“Yeah, Lieu?” He asks, looking up from his work.

“I need you to go to Barba’s office for me, and grab a couple files.”

“Yeah, sure.” He knew it was no use arguing with her, she wouldn’t have anyone else do it.

Once he makes it to Rafael’s office, Carmen lets him through with a smile. He knocks on the door, and hears a soft ‘come in’.

He opens the door, “Lieu needs some files. She said you’d know what they are?” He doesn’t even look at Rafael, staring at the coffee pot in the corner.

“Yes.” He fishes some files from his desk, and hands them to Sonny. He looked sad.

“Thanks.” Sonny says, walking back out the door. 

He walks back into the squadroom, and drops the files off to Liv. He sits back down at his desk and waits for more desk duty to be dropped off for him.

Jacob walks past him, seeing the look on Sonny’s face.

“You okay, Sonny?”

“I’m fine, thank you JJ.” Sonny puts his head in his hands.

“Why don’t you and I go out for a drink after work tonight?” Jacob asks.

Sonny sits for a moment and thinks, “Sure.” He smiles. 


	14. Chapter 14

When Lieu told them they could go home, Sonny stands up and grabs his coat from the back of his chair. Jacob walks to his desk while putting on his own coat. 

“Where do you want to go?” Jacob asks Sonny. 

“Anywhere but here.” Sonny grumbles, leading the way out of the squadroom and into the elevator. He presses the ground floor button three times for good measure.

“Are you okay?” Jacob asks.

“I’m fine, really.” Sonny says quietly, “It’s just been a long week.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Jacob asks, leading the way out of the elevator.

“Rafael is just too much sometimes.” Sonny sighs, following Jacob to his car. He slides into the passenger seat, buckling his seatbelt. He sits quietly as Jacob climbs in and looks for his keys.

“What has Rafael been doing?” Jacob asks, starting his car. 

“He…” Sonny sits for a moment, “He’s just too much sometimes. I really, really hate being called Carisi. Especially by people I care about. Sonny is what my Nonna called me and that’s what I like to be called. He called me Carisi yesterday while he was upset.”

“Okay…” Jacob says, pulling into the road and driving towards what Sonny hoped to be a bar. “Is that it?” 

“I’m also a lawyer.” Sonny says, “And I’ll help him on cases and find tells in people’s testimonies. He basically called me a sub-par lawyer. He said he never needed my ‘lawyer’ advice.” 

“I can see why you’re upset.” Jacob says stopping at a red light, “Do you smoke?” 

“Cigarettes? Sometimes.” Sonny shrugs, “Not much anymore anyway. Usually when I’m undercover.”

“I meant weed.” He says, looking at the traffic in front of them.

“I did when I was in the Academy but I haven’t since.” Sonny says, picking at his suit pants.

“Do you want to?” Jacob turns to look at him.

“Are you asking me, a New York police officer to smoke weed… With another New York police officer?” 

“It’s legal here.” Jacob shrugs, the light turns green and he goes forward.

“With a prescription.” Sonny scoffs. “I never took you for a stoner. How did you pass drug tests in school?”

“Faked them.” Jacob turns onto a side road. “Is that a yes or no?” 

“Let’s just get drinks for tonight.” Sonny nods. They pull into a small bar.

“This place sells cheap, but good drinks.” Jacob throws the car into park. 

Sonny, being the tall, lanky mess that he is nearly trips getting out of the car. He stumbles, holding onto the car door. Jacob reaches out to catch him. 

“Thanks.” Sonny laughs softly. 

Jacob smiles in return.

***

He walks back into his apartment late that night. He sits down on the couch, and turns on the TV. He turns on a cop show that he liked to pick apart, because it was obviously fake. 

He hears bare feet padding into the living room, and he doesn’t even look over. 

“You’re acting like a child about this.” Rafael says harshly, crossing his arms.

“I have the right to act how I like. America and all that.” Sonny says, picking up the remote.

“ _ Dios mío _ _ ” _  Rafael says. “ _ dejar de actuar estúpido! _ ”

“I don’t speak Spanish. I could yell at you in Italian if it makes you feel better? Mom taught me a lot of Italian.” 

Rafael rolls his eyes. “Stop acting like a child! You are thirty-seven! I called you by your last name. You’re overreacting!” 

“How would you feel if I called you Barba if I got mad?” 

“I wouldn’t care. It doesn’t matter to me, Sonny. I’m not some lower class detective who gets his feelings hurt by not getting called his nickname that is utterly ridiculous.” 

“My  _ Nonna  _ called me Sonny! That’s all I have left of her! If your  _ abuelita  _ called you by a nickname you’d feel the same.” Sonny feels red hot anger flare up in his stomach, he stands up and begins to walk away.

“ _ And you expect me to marry you?!”  _

Sonny freezes dead in his tracks to the bedroom. He looks away. “No. I don’t fucking expect you to. I just thought you’d want to. But no no, let me find the fucking receipt.” Sonny storms out of the room and opens the safe for his important documents and pulls out the receipt. He walks back in and hands it to Rafael. “Take it back if you don’t want to do this. Keep the money, too.”

Rafael’s face had softened. It had just hit him what he had said and how Sonny took it. “Sonny…”

“Don't ‘Sonny’ me. Do you even know what today is?! It’s our ONE YEAR. My mother was THRILLED when I told her I was marrying you. You’re the only person she’s ever liked out of the people I’ve dated.” Sonny paces the room. “I was just mad. Now? I’m furious. Don’t play with my feelings, Rafael. I’m not seventeen anymore, wishing and hoping for the hot guy to like me back. I decided a while ago that you were it for me.”

“I still want to get married.” Rafael says quickly.

“Don’t use it as a weapon then.” Sonny spits. 

“Sonny you’re the one overreacting cause I called you by your last name!” Rafael quips. 

“It’s way more than that now. You pretty much said that you never needed my help, called me a sub-par lawyer, a sub-par  _ detective, _ called my name ridiculous, and to top it off you called me something I hate being called by you. You were trying to create distance and you did.” Sonny says, still pacing. “Your mouth gets away from you sometimes. And you damn well know it!” Sonny gets in Rafael’s space. 

“Quit acting like a child.” Rafael growls. 

“Quit acting like a damn lawyer!” Sonny punches the wall behind Rafael. Rafael visibly finches, and Sonny backs away slowly. 

“Sonny I don’t know what to say to you.”

“You know what to say. You’re just too prideful to say it. To admit that you were wrong.” 

“Sonny…” He trails off.

“If you can’t say it, then maybe I made a mistake.” Sonny says quietly. “You’re projecting again. You’re closing back up.” He feels his eyes watering. A single tear falls.

“Sonny please. Let me make this right.” 

“Listen. I don’t want to be around you right now. You’re being an ass. You’re in full lawyer mode. You need to stop acting like a lawyer and start acting like… my fiance.” 

Rafael stops, and whispers. “I’m trying.” 

“Doesn’t seem like it.” Sonny says finally, he begins to walk to the door. 

“Sonny don’t leave. I’m… I’m sorry.” Rafael says, looking down. 

Sonny sighs, and begins to put on his coat. Rafael walks up to him, and wraps his arms around Sonny’s midriff. Sonny looks down at the man, and lets a few more tears fall. He pushes him away, sobs beginning to wreck his body. “I… I need some time to myself.”

“Sonny the last time you left like this you-”

“I know Rafael. At this point, I’m so confused about you that I think it would be a blessing if they came and finished up.” Sonny opens the door and before Rafael can say another word, he’s gone. 

Rafael walks out after him, watching him walk away. Sonny doesn’t look back. 

*** 

Sonny sat in the bar, motioning for another drink. He looks around the bar, then looks back at the rim of his drink. He hears footsteps behind him, and he looks over to see a man, in his late thirties. Dark brown eyes and blonde hair. The man sits down next to him, ordering a rum and coke. 

“Hey.” He says once he gets his drink, taking a swig.

“Hi.” Sonny says. 

“What’s a man like you doing in a place like this?” The man does a subtle once over. Sonny chuckles.

“Getting away for a little bit.” He assumed his eyes were still puffy from crying. 

“Oh? Wife getting to ya?” He asks, turning to face Sonny. 

“My boyfriend is.” Sonny says quietly, taking a sip of his drink. 

“I didn’t take you for a gay man.” He says, taking another sip. 

“Bisexual, actually.” Sonny murmurs.

“So what’s he doing?” The man asks.

“I’m sorry but do I know you?” Sonny asks, not completely politely.

“I’m James.” He sticks his hand out for Sonny to shake it. 

“Dominick, but you can-.” He stops quietly.  _ Maybe Sonny was a ridiculous name, _ “Nevermind.” He shakes James’s hand.

“Dominick, I like it.” He smiles. “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a detective.” He says, turning to face the man even more. 

“Oh really. That sounds interesting.” James says, “I’m a graphic designer.” 

“I always wanted to do something with computers. In my spare time I do programming but other than that all my time is dedicated either SVU or Rafael.” 

“Rafael huh? What’s he been doing?”

Sonny clears his throat. “We’re engaged. And lately he’s just been an ass…” Sonny trails off.

“I know that feel. I’ve never been engaged, but I’ve had partners who are just… Horrible to me.” 

“Rafael isn’t  _ mean _ he’s just… Arrogant.” 

“Here, let me buy you a drink.” James says as Sonny finishes his drink. “Bartender? Can I get a fuzzy navel for the man?” 

Sonny went against his better judgment and took the drink. He takes a sip and cringes, he hadn’t had a drink that strong in years. He puts it down, and excuses himself to the bathroom.

He stands and looks in the mirror, wondering what the hell he was doing talking to another guy who was buying him drinks? He splashes water on his face, drying off with a paper towel before walking back out. James was there, talking to a woman. He casually smiles at her, before turning to James. 

“I gotta go. It was nice meeting you.” Sonny lays some money on the bar, before James speaks up.

“Finish your drink, at least.” James says, “You don’t wanna go home back to Rafael, do you?”

“Listen, you’re really nice and all but I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

“Let me at least give you my number. Call me sometime?” He takes a napkin from the bar and scribbles down his name and number. Sonny nods, and shoves it in his pocket. 

Sonny begins his walk home,  _ maybe I should be less harsh on Rafael. He said he was sorry.  _ Once he gets to his apartment door he unlocks and opens it. He sees Rafael laying on the couch, and he looks at him. 

“Up.” Sonny says. “Sit up.” 

Rafael jerks his head to look at him before obeying. 

“Whoa…” Sonny whispers, “Have you been crying?”

“No.” Rafael says quietly. “I just thought… you were gone for good.”

“Rafael.” Sonny whispers, he straddles his legs and sits on his thighs. He wraps his arms around Rafael and pulls him close. “I’m not going to say I’m not pissed. But I just want to love you, right now. We’ll talk later. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sonny.” 

Sonny leans back, and presses a kiss to Rafael’s lips. He pulls away only to be pulled back by strong hands. 

Sonny whimpers and kisses Rafael back. Sonny shucks off his coat as they kiss, bringing his hands on either side of Rafael’s head. 

“Raf…” Sonny whispers as they part. Rafael hums, and Sonny pulls on the knot of his tie and pulls it loose. He begins to unbutton the buttons of Rafael’s shirt. He begins to kiss down his neck, running his hands down Rafael’s arms to release the cuff links. He turns to set them on the coffee table and nearly falls out of Rafael’s lap. Rafael catches him, but not without falling down with him. 

“That was so fucking clichè.” Sonny laughs and threads his hand through Rafael’s hair. “God I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Rafael smiles. Sonny pulls Rafael’s shirt all the way off, and throws it. He earned a stern look from Rafael with that one. Sonny pulls him up and kisses him again, hands trailing down his sides. He realized very quickly how he was falling behind in the clothing race. He pulls away. 

“Gonna make me do all the work?” 

“Sonny are you sure? You can stop me-“ Sonny holds a finger to his lips. 

“I know.” 

Rafael bites his finger playfully, before leaning down to kiss him again. 


	15. Chapter 15

Rafael pulls Sonny closer, the smell of his freshly showered hair pulling him deeper into his after-sex trance. 

“Would it be sappy if I said I was proud of you?” Rafael asks, a smile on his face.

“Hmm… Yes.” Sonny says quietly, his face buried in Rafael’s chest.  

“Then I won’t say it.” Rafael says quietly. “Carino?” 

“Yeah, Raf?” 

“You wanted to talk?” Rafael says, loosening his grip on Sonny. Sonny sighs, rolling away from Rafael and sitting up on the side of the bed, adjusting his sweatpants. His feet were slightly cold from the carpet in their bedroom.

“Am I really a bad detective?” Sonny starts.

“No Sonny.” Rafael says, sitting up and crossing his legs. “I know I said that, but in the heat of the moment I would have said anything to make you mad.” 

“You don’t have to call me Sonny, you know. You can call me Dominick.” Sonny turns to face him, crossing his legs so his knees were touching Rafael’s.

“I don’t want to.” He says softly. “I love your name.”

“Then why the hell did you say it? No one at work likes it either so maybe you’re right. Maybe it should only be a family thing.” 

“I said it to piss you off, and you know that.” Rafael says quietly, all his bite disappearing for the moment.

“You know I have self image problems. I’m really not trying to pull the victim card but…” Sonny trails off. “I am. Shane Barton ruined my life.”

“Don’t say that Sonny. You’re recovering.” 

“Not fast enough.” Sonny mumbles, his head ducks down. 

“Don’t be like that.” Rafael says quickly. “You’re out of the moping phase of this.” 

“Do you still want to get married to me? And I don’t want an answer tonight. I want you to think about it for a few days. I’m actually going to see if Amanda or JJ can put me up for a little bit.”

“Why?” Rafael asks.

“Cause it’s clear you need to have some time alone to think about all of this.” Sonny nods. “You need a reality check.” 

“Sonny c’mon. Don’t leave. I’ll just sleep on the couch for a few days.” 

“You need to go a few days without me. See how it feels. I need it too, don’t worry.” 

“Are we on a break?” Rafael says quietly.

“No. We’re still one hundred percent together until you decide otherwise.” Sonny says. 

“Can we at least sleep together tonight?” Rafael asks quietly.

“Yeah. I’m going to be sore tomorrow.” Sonny halfway smiles. 

“How many days?” Rafael asks.

“Two. Tomorrow, and the next day. That night I’ll come home.” Sonny says after a moment.

Sonny leans over to the bedside table and grabs his phone. He types a message to Rollins. He sets his phone back down and looks at Rafael. He was staring at the bedspread. Sonny says nothing, waving his hand in Rafael’s line of sight. 

“What?” Rafael asks. His tone was too sharp, too snippy to be played off as playful.

Sonny’s eyes widen and he looks away, staring down at his legs.

“Sorry. I was just lost in thought.” 

“Lets go to bed, huh?” Sonny whispers.

***

The next day, while Sonny was packing his things to go to Amanda’s his phone rings.

“Raf? What is it?” Sonny says.

“I-I need you… I need you to come down t-to my o-office Sonny.” Rafael says timidly.

“What’s going on?” Sonny asks.

“Sonny get here now.” Rafael hangs up. 

Sonny’s mind immediately goes to death threats, running out the door with his phone in hand. He climbs into the squad car and nearly peels out into the road.

***

Carmen lets him through and Sonny opens the door. 

“What’s wrong?” Sonny asks, looking around his office.

“Sit down.” Rafael says, sounding defeated.

“No, Rafael what happened.”

“Sit down!” Rafael yells, his voice loud and powerful. Sonny is taken back, and slowly sits down in the chair in front of Rafael’s desk. “S-Something happened today.” 

“What?” Sonny asks. 

“You know the case we’re working on? The one with little baby Drew?”

“The braindead kid, yes I know.” Sonny says, gesturing for him to continue.

“I-I uh…” Rafael pauses, “Went to the hospital today.”

“Why? You’re a lawyer.”

“Because I wanted to see this child for myself.” 

“O-kay?” Sonny asks, “What does this have to do with anything?”

Rafael looks down, his face contorting into a frown. “I pulled the plug on him.”

“Y-You what?!” Sonny stands to his feet. 

“His mother was upset, she was crying and she basically told me to do it.”

“That doesn’t give you the fucking right, Rafael!” Sonny yells, his face going completely red. “You’re gonna… oh my God.” Sonny runs a hand through his hair.

“I know, Sonny. This looks bad.”

“Bad?! It looks like a murder charge to me!” Sonny begins to pace around the room. “You took the life away from a baby that wasn’t even yours!” 

“His LIFE was a machine that breathed for him. Drew HAD no life.” Rafael says, his face heating up as well.

“Oh my god, Raf. They’re going to pin homicide on you. You’re willing to throw all of this…” Sonny gestures to the room. “Away, because you took something that wasn’t even your decision into your hands.” 

“Sonny I think you need to leave.”

“Excuse me?”

“Get out of my office.” Rafael says, not looking Sonny in the eye. 

Sonny opens his mouth to say something, before closing it. He shakes his head and walks to the door. “Raf…”

“Get out.” Rafael says sternly.

Sonny nods his head, and walks out of his office.

***

When Rafael walked into their shared home (Sonny had cancelled his plans to leave) he set his keys on the tray by the door, smelling what Sonny had been cooking.

Sonny looks over, to see the disheveled man taking off his coat.

“They’re taking me to trial.” He says softly. 

“I figured that much.” Sonny says quietly, stirring a pot of sauce, holding his tie back so it didn’t dip into it.

“Don’t sass me… please…” Rafael says softly, Sonny whips around to look at him. Sonny sighs through his nose, watching Rafael hobble into the living room and get into the booze cabinet. He pulls out a bottle of scotch.

“Can you bring me a glass, Sonny?” 

“Yeah, love.” Sonny turns the heat down on the sauce and reaches for the glasses cabinet. He pulls out a small, short glass and walks to Rafael. Rafael takes it from him and nods.

“Raf…” Sonny begins. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t. I’d be pissed if you pulled something like this.” 

“Who’s trying the case?”

“A Peter Stone. I’ve met him once, he’s a friend of my boss.” 

“Hm.” Sonny hums. 

“Please, Sonny. I’m going to need you to help me through this.” 

“I know, Raf.” Sonny sighs, walking back into the kitchen. “Food’s almost done.” Sonny says softly. 

“Smells amazing.”

“Nonna’s ravioli.” Sonny says, putting everything on their table. Rafael takes another sip of scotch before standing up and walking to the table. He pauses for a moment, and sits down across from Sonny.

“I thought you said you weren’t mad.” Sonny says.

“I’m in no mood for human contact.” Rafael whispers.  _ He sounds so defeated _ .

“Raf…”

“Sonny don’t.”

They both sat in silence as they ate. Once Rafael was done he stood up and went to the bedroom.

Sonny didn’t know whether to follow him or not. He sat there for a few more moments, finishing up his plate. He stands and begins to put everything away. He hears a clattering in the bathroom. He finishes up putting everything away and walks timidly into the bedroom.

“Raf… I know I was an ass…” Sonny trails off as he walks into the bathroom, to see Rafael with a bottle of vodka. “What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing,  _ Detective _ .”

Sonny snatches the bottle out of his hand. “I thought you said you never drank anything harder than scotch.”

“I usually don’t.”

“Then what is this?” Sonny asks, holding the bottle up. Rafael reaches out for it.

“Sonny this isn’t any of your business.” The had Rafael had reached out with had the ring on his ring finger. Sonny’s eyes water slightly.

“You’re not going to start drinking a lot again, are you?” Sonny asks quietly.

“I’m nearly 50 years old I can make big boy decisions.” Rafael snarks.

“YOU did this. YOU made that choice.” Sonny says. “But if you want to lay around drunk, be my guest.” Sonny says, walking from the room and into their bedroom. Sonny sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose slightly.

“Just stay out of it, Sonny.” Rafael says.

“Where did you even get vodka?”

“It’s been in my sock drawer for a while now.” Rafael says, taking another swig.

“You don’t need to be drinking like that. You’re going to destroy your liver doing shit like this.”

“It’s my liver to destroy. Not yours.” Rafael says simply.

“Rafael stop.” Sonny tries to take the bottle away but Rafael moves away.

“You know I can easily overpower you.” Sonny says, grabbing Rafael’s wrist.

“Yeah?” Rafael says, “And I can charge you with domestic violence too.”

“Rafael give me the bottle.”

“THIS IS MY LIFE.” Rafael yells. “If you can’t handle that then you don’t need to marry me.”

“I’m not marrying a drunk, Raf.” Sonny whispers, “You wouldn’t marry a drug addict.”

“I’m marrying you, aren’t I?”

“Are you serious?! I’m on psych meds. For PTSD.” Sonny whispers, “I didn’t think you knew about that.”

“Trust me, I know.” Rafael says.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Rafael shrugs for an answer. “I’m going out to the bar.” He says finally. 

“No, you aren’t.”

“And why not?”

“Cause if you do I won’t be here when you come back.” Sonny says, flames in his eyes.

“Let me live a little. I just need a drink.”

“You’re already drunk, or you wouldn’t be saying half this stuff.” Sonny says. “Go to bed.” Sonny points at the bed next to them.

“I’m not a dog, Sonny.” Rafael says, he ponders for a moment. “Isn’t Sonny a dog’s name?”

“I guess it could be.” Sonny rolls his eyes.

“No no. I think it is!”

“Quit. Now. Go to bed.”

“Or what? You’re going to arrest me? You’re gonna leave?”

Sonny’s heart breaks slightly. “Do you love me?” He chokes out.

Rafael doesn’t answer. He sets the bottle down and pulls the cap from his pocket.

“You don’t anymore, do you?” Sonny whispers.

“I don’t know Sonny. I have a lot going on right now.” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I was nearly raped and I still loved you through it.”

“I killed a child!” Rafael yells, turning around to face Sonny head on. “I shut off his breathing machine.”

“That was YOUR fault.”

“And maybe the whole Shane Barton thing was your fault!”

“Don’t say that.” Sonny whispers, tears filling his eyes. 

“Maybe you didn’t fight back hard enough, or you let him handcuff you.”

“Rafael stop.”

“Maybe you wanted it.”

Sonny looks down, tears falling down his face. “We’re done here, Rafael. We’re done in general. If you’re going to be… this, then we’re done.” 

“Sonny wait…” 

Sonny walks from the room and finds his phone. He pulls open Amanda’s contact and goes back into the bedroom to find his suitcase. 

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here.” Sonny whispers, grabbing a few suits and lots of ties and shoving them in the suitcase. He calls Amanda.

“Hey, Amanda? I’m fine. Rafael is drunk. I know. I need somewhere to go tonight. Would that be okay? Thanks, Amanda. I owe you one.” He hangs up the phone and goes to his drawers and pulls out socks and underwear. He hears shattering across the room. 

Sonny jerks around, and looks at Rafael who had thrown the lamp into the wall. 

“Rafael!” Sonny growls. “Quit breaking stuff!”

“Leave me alone, Sonny.”

“Stop breaking stuff.” Sonny says, pushing his boxers and socks into his suitcase. 

He looks around for a moment, looking for anything else he needed. 

“Sonny don’t leave.”

“Maybe I wanted it.” Sonny quotes. He zips up his suitcase and pulls on a coat from his closet. 

“Sonny you know I didn’t…”

“What, you didn’t mean it? You need to control your mouth, if you want us to be a thing.”

“I do, Sonny.”

“Then fucking act like it!” Sonny yells. There’s a soft knock on the door.

He walks timidly into the living room and opens the door to see Amanda. He sighs in relief.

“Get her out of our house.” Rafael growls.

“Ignore him.” Sonny says quietly, guiding her inside.

“The one who rejected  **_my_ ** fiance for a low life bartender, yeah no, I’m not too fond of you.”

“Rafael stop!” Sonny growls. “As of right now we are not engaged.”

“What do you mean?”

“Rafael I’m done. If you can come back to me and prove to me you can control yourself, then maybe I’ll reconsider.” Sonny looks down to see blood rolling down his arm.

“Jesus Christ.” Sonny murmurs, grabbing Rafael’s arm and dragging him into the bathroom.

“Let me go!”

“You cut yourself open by throwing the stupid lamp.” Sonny says, grabbing their first aid kit. He opens it and begins to bandage Rafael’s cut.

Rafael shoves him away, and makes Sonny stumble into the wall. Amanda gets in between them. 

“Don’t touch him again.” Amanda snarls. 

Rafael looks down at her and returns the look he was receiving. 

“Carisi is a gift, you moron and you’re throwing it away over a brain dead child!”

Rafael stayed silent for a moment, “I know that,  _ you bitch _ .” 

Amanda raises her fist and Sonny grabs her arm quickly and pulls her to face him. “Amanda!” 

“What, Carisi?” She growls, struggling to get at Rafael. Rafael just smirks.

“Raf get that look off your face before I let her go.” Sonny threatens. Rafael’s face falls, and he turns his head. Amanda slowly calms down as Sonny whispers calming things in her ear.

“C’mon. He’ll sober up in the night.” Amanda says.

“I really don’t want to leave him like this.” Sonny whispers, letting go of her arms. 

“You have to.” Amanda says conclusively. Sonny nods, and grabs his suitcase. He feels two strong arms wrap around his waist. He jerks his hips away, but the arms stay.

“Let him go, Barba.” Amanda threatens.

“He’s  _ mine _ ” He growls. Sonny shakes his head. 

“Not anymore.” Sonny walks forward and removes Rafael’s arms from his waist. He walks towards the door, grabbing his gun, keys and badge. He makes sure he has his phone before yelling, “Rafael, when you’ve thought this over and want to make amends I’m all ears. But know I’m not going to marry a drunk.”

Rafael doesn’t reply and Amanda leads Sonny out of the door. 


	16. Chapter 16

Sonny walks into Amanda’s apartment, and looks around for Amanda’s dog, Frannie. She bounds to him, jumping up onto him and licking his hands.

“I’m happy to see you, too Fran.” Sonny smiles, kneeling down to pet her, “Where’s Jesse?” 

“She’s with a sitter. Cause I figured you’d be a mess at this point.”

“Nearly.” Sonny chuckles, standing up. He looks down, “Where am I sleeping? I’m super tired.”

“You can either sleep in here with me or on the couch.”

“I don’t think it’s… right for me to sleep in the same bed as you.”

“You and him are broke up for now.” 

“I know, Amanda. You know what? Fuck it.” He kicks off his shoes and shucks off his coat.

She shows him where the bedroom is, and she begins to get into her pajamas. “You don’t mind if I sleep in a sports bra?”

“No. I don’t think I brought any extra t-shirts.” Sonny sighs.

“Then don’t sleep in one.” 

“Are you sure?” Sonny asks, holding the knot of his tie.

“Of course. I’ve seen you in worse.” Amanda was faced towards her closet, taking off her bra. She pulls on a sports bra and turns around to face Sonny who was just in his dress slacks. He opens his suitcase and noses around for sweatpants that he prayed he packed. 

“Carisi if you don’t have any, don’t worry about it.” 

“I really don’t wanna sleep in my boxers around you.”

“Jesse isn’t home. It’s not like I’ve never seen you in your boxers.” 

“Fine.” Sonny takes off his suit pants, and folds them in his suitcase. “I’m off tomorrow, are you?”

“I worked so hard to get off, you don’t even know.” Amanda pulled on some shorts. She turns around, and takes in the sight of Sonny in nothing but compression boxers.

“...Stop staring.” Sonny blushes, covering himself with his arm. 

“Carisi I’ve seriously seen you in worse. Like that white tux you wore to the dance thing we had.” 

“Rafael made me wear that.” Sonny rolls his eyes, walking over to the bed. He sits down, his back to Amanda. 

“Are you going to bed?” Amanda asks. 

“I really want today to be over.” Sonny says softly, laying down gingerly.

“Carisi you can use the blanket.”

“Please, call me Sonny.”

“I still don’t know about that.” She grins, sitting down on the other side of the bed. She ties up her hair, and lays down, turning to turn off the lamp. “Can you turn off the lamp on your side?”

Sonny nods, turning over to turn off the light. He rolls back over on his side, and stays on the edge of the bed. 

“Carisi seriously, get comfortable. I’m not gonna tell you tell you twice.” Amanda says.

Sonny relaxes a little, turning onto his back and closes his eyes.

“Goodnight, Amanda.”

“Goodnight, Carisi.”

***

Sonny wakes up, the room still dark.  _ Something must have woken me up.. _

He turns over to see Amanda wide awake, looking at him. 

Sonny doesn’t say anything, looking at the gaze he was receiving.

She scoots closer to him, Sonny’s hand automatically goes to her hip and flinches back when he touches her.

Amanda grabs his hand and puts it back on her hip. Sonny’s mouth opens to say something, but shuts quickly. She leans up slowly, and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. He turns his head into it, sighing softly.

“H-How long have you been up?” Sonny asks softly, his lips brushing over hers.

“I never went to bed.” She whispers, hiking her leg over his hip. “Sonny…”

“You said my name.” Sonny smiles, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She turns her head, and cups Sonny’s cheek. She pulls him in for a proper kiss.

All kinds of alarm bells were going off in his head, but at this point he didn’t care. 

Her tongue works on his own, and he rolls over on top of her. He slots himself between her legs, pulling away for a moment. 

“Are you sure, Amanda?” He asks, hands trailing down her sides.

“Yes.” She whispers before pulling him back down for another kiss. He wraps his arms around her, and sits on his calves. He moves his legs to where his ass is sitting on the bed. He takes her sports bra into his hands, and pulls it up and over her head. He rolls her nipple between his fingers. He takes it into his mouth, pulling a moan from Amanda. He trails his hands down and grips her ass tightly, pulling her up and into him.  

“Oh god, please.” She whispers. She reaches down and palms him through his boxers. 

“Shhh, doll. I’ll take care of you, don’t worry.” 

*** 

Sonny pants softly, his forehead against Amanda’s. He holds her a little bit closer, tracing small shapes on her back. 

“That was really fun.” She whispers. 

“It was.” Sonny whispers. 

“Sonny… I don’t want this to become anything more than just this.” 

“Oh? I didn’t think you did. I’m a mess right now.” Sonny laughs, moving his hand to scratch his growing hair. 

“It’s not that you’re a mess, Sonny it’s that we work together. If we didn’t work together I’d fuck you all day long.”

“Really?”

“Really.” She says. “Try to go to sleep, yeah?”

“I’ll try. Let me check my phone really quick.” He rolls over, and snatches his phone from the nightstand. He looks at his notifications. 

18 missed calls

68 new messages 

“Holy shit.” Sonny whispers. 

“What?” Amanda asks. 

“He’s texted me 68 fucking times.” He scoffs, “actually 66, 2 Of them are from..” Sonny pauses. 

“From who?” 

Sonny suddenly felt like he needed to throw up. 

“They’re from a guy I met at the bar a while back. I don’t know how he got my number. Rafael must have found it in my jacket pocket.” 

“What’s so bad about that? Sonny he isn’t your problem anymore.” 

“That means he’s contacted this guy and there’s no telling what he’s told Rafael.” Sonny goes to read some of the messages from Rafael. 

_ Please come back.  _

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ I’ll never do it again.  _

Sonny skips past the begging. 

_ Who the fuck is James?!  _

_ Were you cheating on me? _

_ Sonny I swear to god if you were.  _

_ So you were.  _

“He’s told Rafael that I cheated on him. I-I need to get down there.” He checks the other messages. 

_ I told you he wasn’t worth it.  _

Sonny ignores the other message. 

“Sonny no. You can’t. You’re letting him win.”

“Amanda, I don’t care I just want to make sure he’s okay. He may be passed out drunk.” 

“Okay, Sonny. Just be careful, please? You have marks all down your back and your collarbone.” 

“He won’t see them.” Sonny shrugs, pulling on his undershirt. He quickly buttons his button up, and pulls on his pants. “I’ll be back, okay?” 

“Okay. Just let yourself in. Get my key from the little plant by the door. It’s underneath it.” 

“Thank you, Amanda.” 


	17. Chapter 17

Sonny walks into their shared home, shutting the door softly behind him. 

“Who’s there?” A voice he could only presume to be Rafael’s asks. 

“It’s me, Sonny.”

“Get the hell out!” Rafael yells, emerging from the bedroom. 

“Listen, listen to me I came to check on you and make sure you’re not trying to kill yourself.”

“I’m fine, detective.” 

“I never cheated on you.” 

“Who gave you that number?”

“A guy from the bar I went to the other night. He flirted, and I denied it.”

“Did you tell him you had a fiancé?”

“I told him I had someone at home, yes.”

“Then why the hell did you let him give you his number?” 

“He just gave it to me. I left. He gave me a weird vibe.” 

“Your face is all red. There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Raf I just walked here from Amanda’s apartment… Why are you getting mad? We aren’t together.”

“But it’s the fact this happened while we  _ were _ together.” Rafael snarls. 

“Calm down.” Sonny says quickly.

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Rafael says, “Get out.”

“I just came to make sure you’re okay. I still care, you know. You need to go to bed, it’s really late. You have trial in the morning.”

“Yeah, I was going to ask you to defend me.” 

“Why?” Sonny asks.

“Because I think you’d do a good job.” Rafael says softly, looking down. 

“I’m not a defense attorney.” 

“It’s fine. Dworkin is defending me.” 

“I have to go. Dworkin will do a good job.”

“Why are you rushing back to go to Amanda?”

Sonny pauses, “Because I don’t want to be here with you.”

“I’m fine now.”

“You’ve never apologized, nothing. We’re over until you can convince me you care and can control your mouth.”

“I do care, Sonny.”

“Then prove it to me. For now I have to go. I need to grab some sweatpants and stuff though.” 

“You’ve been sleeping in your suit?”

Sonny says nothing, walking to the bedroom. Stuff was smashed everywhere. Sonny walks to the closet, grabbing a few pairs of sweatpants and some T-shirts. “Amanda let me borrow some pants.”

“Oh.” He says simply. 

“I have to go.” Sonny says, holding the sweatpants and t-shirts in his hand. He walks to the kitchen, ignoring Rafael’s protests. He grabs a plastic Walmart bag and stuffs them into it. 

“Please, let me apologize.” 

“No. You have to think about all this. Good luck at your trial tomorrow. If you get convicted, you’re going to jail for murder. You won’t come back. You better hope-”

“Stop.” Rafael interjects. 

“I’m just saying.” Sonny shrugs. “I hope to see you again.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

***

Sonny walks back into Amanda’s apartment, seeing her sat on the couch with a glass of wine in a robe. 

“Wine?” She asks.

“Sure.” He says, placing the key underneath the plant. She goes and gets him a glass, and pours him half a glass. “Thank you.”

“Mhm.” She hums, he sits down next to her. “Thank you for tonight. I really needed it.”

“My pleasure,” Sonny waggles his eyebrows, “I needed it, too.” 

They sit in silence for a moment, and Sonny sighs. 

“I probably need to go to bed.” Amanda says softly.

“Why? You don’t have to work tomorrow.” 

“I’ll be grumpy. Besides, Barba has trial tomorrow and I’d say Liv wants me or someone there.”

“I’m not going.” Sonny says, taking another sip. 

“Why not?” She asks. 

“Because if he really wanted my support he shouldn’t have fucked me over like that.” 

“I understand.” She says softly, setting her empty wine glass on the table. 

Sonny finishes his off, and turns towards her. “Do you want me to sleep in here?”

“Of course not.” She says, standing up. “Come cuddle with me before we have to get up tomorrow.” 

Sonny nods, standing up. He takes the small bag in his hand and opens it and grabs a pair of sweatpants. He follows Amanda into her bedroom, and strips down to his boxers before pulling on the sweatpants. Amanda had her shorts on and a loose fitting tee shirt. He blinks a few times to make sure he’s seeing things correctly.

“Do you plan on seducing me?” Sonny half laughs.

“Pffft. No.” She smiles.

He climbs into bed, laying on his side. He stares at the wall for a moments before Amanda climbs into bed with him. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks. 

“I really hope Rafael doesn’t get convicted tomorrow.” 

“Me either honestly.” She says, “he doesn’t deserve to spend the rest of his life in prison.” 

“He really doesn’t. He may be an arrogant asshole, but he doesn’t deserve to be in prison. He’d get killed.” Sonny whispers. 

Amanda cuddles up to him, “I think it’ll all be okay.” 

“I hope so.” Sonny whispers, throwing an arm over her waist. 

***

Sonny paced back and forth, the jury had been deliberating for 5 hours. 

“Sonny, I’m going to tell you one more time before I punch you in the face. Quit. Pacing.” Amanda says. 

“I-I’m nervous.” He says, sitting down on the couch. He phone dinged and he nearly dove for it. He picks it up off the table and sighs at the message from Olivia

_ Not guilty.  _

“Oh thank God.” 

“Not guilty?”

Sonny nods, and leans back on the couch before dragging his hands down his face. “Thank god. Stone sounds like a good lawyer.” 

“Liv says he is. Almost better than Barba.”

“I hope not.” Sonny says, “They may fire Raf to take him as the new ADA.”

“I hope not.” She says, “I don’t know where else Barba would go.”

“He used to… nevermind.” 

“He used to what?” Amanda asks, sitting up from her laid back position on the couch. 

“He’s a really good singer. He used to be really into musicals.” Sonny sighs, smiling to himself. 

“I never thought of him as a musical guy.” 

“Oh yeah. He’s crazy about Broadway.” 

“Hm.” Amanda says, surprised. Sonny’s phone goes off again. 

He picks it up and frowns at the message. 

_ Can you please meet me for lunch?  _ It was from Rafael.

_ I don’t know, why?  _

_ Cause we need to talk, Sonny.  _

Sonny shows the messages to Amanda. 

“Maybe you should.” She shrugs, “He may be sorry.” 

“Maybe.” 

_ When? _

_ In about 30 minutes? The coffee shop down the road from our apartment?  _

_ I guess.  _

“I guess we’re meeting at Espresso Today.”

“That little coffee shop? I love their coffee. If you come back by, you should bring me some.” Amanda says.

“I will. I have to come back for my stuff if I do go home.” Sonny says, walking to her bedroom and picking out a suit. He picks his navy blue one, with the tie with little fish on it. 

He pulls it on, realizing he doesn’t have his gel. His hair had grown just enough for him to style it. He needed to get it cut on the sides. He sighs. 

“Amanda do you have any gel?” He calls out.

“Under the sink!” She yells back. He walks into her bathroom, and finds the gel easily. He quickly styles his hair, and looks at the light dusting of stubble he had going on. He leaves it, and walks into the living room and pulls on his shoes that matched his belt. 

“Thank you, Amanda. I’ll be back.” He says, grabbing his phone from the table. 

“Good luck, Sonny.” She smiles. 

Sonny nods, walking out the door. 

***

He sits in the coffee shop, looking out the window. The little bell on the door rings and he looks at the door to see Rafael walking in. 

He orders his coffee and walks towards the table. Sonny looks at his hand, he still had the ring on his finger.

“Hi.” He says, sitting down. 

“Hi.” Sonny says, picking up his coffee and taking a sip. 

“So…” Rafael starts. “I’m quitting the DA’s office.” 

“Really?” Sonny says, slightly surprised. “Why?”

“As I told Liv… Everything used to be so black and white. I knew exactly who the bad guys were, and who the good guys were. Now… I don’t know.” Rafael says. 

“You’re not a bad guy for turning off that baby’s life support. He had nothing to live for anyway.” 

“But I am a bad guy for treating you the way I did.” Rafael says, looking down. 

“I’m not going to say yes or no to that.” Sonny says, looking back out the window. 

“I’m sorry.”

“But are you really?” Sonny says, setting his coffee down and putting his elbows on the table, leaning forward.  

“I am…” Rafael says, he smiles at the waitress who hands him his coffee and whispers a ‘thank you’

“What you pulled… Getting drunk like that and saying the things you said is unacceptable.” Sonny says, he felt like a teacher chastising a child. 

“I know, Sonny. I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing.” 

“That’s not an excuse.” Sonny says, looking Rafael in the eyes.

“I know it’s not.” He says, unable to hold the eye contact for long. He felt so… bad.

“Then what are you going to do about it? Because if you want us to be a thing again, I’m not gonna take this anymore. You have to control your mouth. I’m just curious to see how you’re going to handle that.” Sonny says, adjusting himself in his seat. 

“Sonny I can. I-I love you too much to lose you.” Rafael looks down and to the side, avoiding eye contact with Sonny. He looked like a kicked puppy. 

“Then act like it, Rafael.” Sonny nearly growls. “You need to act like it and not throw up walls all the time. You deflect, avoid, and everything else you can do to not show your feelings.” 

“I know.” He whispers. “It’s how I’ve been ever since I was a teenager. Ever since dad died.”

“Rafael I love you. God I love you so much. But I can’t handle this. Something  _ has  _ to change. I have enough going on in this mind of mine without having to deal with you on top of it all. We need to be on the same team.” 

“And we will be.” Rafael says, “I promise.” 

Sonny leans back, taking his coffee into his hand and taking a sip. 

“Please.” Rafael whispers quietly. 

Sonny’s eyes softened, looking at the man before him. He closes his eyes and sighs. 

“I’m not saying we can’t have no fights at all. Knowing us? We’ll always disagree on something. But I just want them to all chill out.” 

“I understand. This really is all my fault.” 

“You’re really not a bad guy though, Rafael.” Sonny sighs, “You’re the only man I’ve loved like this.”

“And that means so much to me.” Rafael smiles. “So… Does this mean we’re okay now?” 

Sonny sighs again and closes his eyes for a moment, he opens them and puts his hand on Rafael’s. “Yes. We’re okay now.”

Sonny feels a pang of guilt for not telling Rafael about what happened last night. 

“ _ Oh, gracias a Dios”  _ He whispers, bringing Sonny’s hand up to his face. He kisses the back of his hand, and smiles. 

But how could he now?

“Let’s go home.” Sonny says, “I have to get Amanda some coffee and grab my stuff.” 

Rafael nods, “Your hair is getting longer.” 

“Yeah, thank god. I hate having super short hair.”

“I think it looks good either way.” Rafael begins to stand up,  buttoning the button on his suit jacket. Sonny follows, pushing his chair in. “God I hate that tie.”

“I’ve had it since I was like-”

“Fourteen I know.” Rafael says, “C’mere.” He grabs Sonny by the tie, pulling him closer and down. Rafael pecks his lips, and smiles. Sonny smiles as well, his dimples showing. 

Sonny walks to the counter, and orders Amanda’s coffee. 


	18. Chapter 18

Sonny walks into Amanda’s apartment, Rafael standing out in the hall. “Here.” He smiles, walking into the kitchen to hand it to her. “Hey, Jessie.” He smiles. 

“Uncle Sonny!” She squeals, hugging his leg. He puts his hand on her head, and ruffles her hair lightly.

“How’d that go?” Amanda asks. 

“I- Um. Hang on.” Sonny holds up a hand. He picks up Jessie and walks towards the door. He opens it, and motions for Rafael to come in. 

“Rafa!” Jessie cries out, and Sonny shushes her gently. 

“Get him out of my apartment, Sonny. And away from my daughter.” Amanda says, walking into the living room. 

“Amanda, hear me out-” Rafael starts.

“Oh now I’m Amanda? Not  _ bitch _ ?” 

Rafael visibly cringes, “I’m sorry. I was really drunk-”

“Has Sonny told you yet?” 

“Told me what?” 

It was Sonny’s turn to glare daggers. He sets Jessie down gently, “Go to your room, sweetheart.” Amanda says softly.

“But mommy-”

“Please, Jessie. C’mon. Go play.” 

She scurries off into her room. Amanda strides to Sonny in two long steps and grabs him by the tie. Sonny grabs her wrists, and looks her in the eyes. “Don’t do this.”

“He needs to know either way.” Amanda whispers as if Rafael couldn’t hear. She pushes off his suit jacket, and Sonny stops her. 

“I was going to tell him on my own time.” Sonny growls. 

“Tell me  _ what _ , Sonny?” Rafael says, putting a hand on his hip.

Sonny sighs in defeat, and lets Amanda pull up the bottom of his shirt to show the nail marks on his back. 

“What-” It dawns on Rafael. “You- What?!” 

Sonny pulls his shirt back down, and gently shoves Amanda off of him. He turns around and looks at Rafael.

“Raf, we weren’t together. I was upset and we both needed it. I didn’t think we were getting back together.” 

“You  _ slept _ with her?” Rafael whispers, betrayal in his eyes. 

“Raf, we weren’t together.” Sonny says again. 

“That doesn’t…” He takes a deep breath. “That doesn’t make a difference. Are you two an item?”

“No!” Sonny and Amanda say in unison. 

“T-Then why?” Rafael says. 

“We. Weren’t. Together.” Sonny says gently. “We both got caught up in the moment.”

“Do you regret it?” Rafael asks. 

Sonny freezes up, looking at Amanda then back at Rafael. 

“I-I don’t know.” Sonny says after a long moment. 

“We need to go home. Discuss some things.”  

“Y-Yeah.” Sonny nods, looking back to Amanda. “I’ll see you tomorrow Amanda.” 

“Thanks for the coffee.” She says as Sonny walks into her bedroom to get his stuff, he picks up his suit jacket.

“Where are you going?” Rafael asks, following him.

“To get my suitcase, Raf.” Sonny says patiently, 

He packs everything up, and rolls the suitcase behind him. 

“Bye bye Jessie.” Sonny smiles, she runs to him from her room and hugs his leg. He ruffles her hair. Amanda pries her away, and Sonny walks out the door. 

***

Sonny walks into their shared apartment, his head down. He felt like a bad dog that had ate the couch or something. 

Rafael walks in after him, Sonny takes his suitcase into their bedroom, that had been cleaned, and hangs everything up. 

“Sonny?” 

“Yeah, Raf?” Sonny says, walking into their living room. He knew what was coming. 

“Sit.” Rafael gestures towards the couch. Sonny complies, crossing one leg over the other. 

“Rafael I know-“

“Hush” Rafael shushes him, surprisingly calm. “You’re not allowed to get mad, you’re not allowed to interrupt me do you understand?”

Sonny nods his head. 

“I don’t understand why when given the chance you slept with your coworker when you very clearly stated that it was a possibility that we would get back together after this all blew over.” Rafael begins. “Do you have feelings for her?”

“No.” Sonny says quietly, his head down. 

“Look at me.” Rafael demands softly. “Would you do it again, given the chance? If we were broke up and there was no chance of us getting back together.”

“Probably not.” Sonny says, looking up. 

“I want a yes or no.” 

“No.” Sonny says finally. 

“Was it bad?”

“Do I really have to answer that?” Sonny winces. 

“Yes.” Rafael says conclusively. 

“No, it wasn’t bad.” Sonny sighs. 

“So you’ll never do it again?” 

“I will not.” Sonny nods. 

“You’ve given me a second chance, so I’ll give you one. But we’re on the same page now. Neither one of us are mad at the other, neither of us are on thin ice anymore okay?”

“Okay.” Sonny says, looking back down at his shoes. 

“C’mere.” He says softly holding out his arms. Sonny stands up and wraps his arms around Rafael’s waist and pulls him close. 

Sonny takes a deep breath, and sighs. He buries his face into Rafael’s neck, closing his eyes. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Sonny.” Rafael whispers. 

***

“So, where do you want to get married?” Sonny asks, sitting on the couch next to Rafael. 

“It’s a joint decision. It’s not just me. I’m sure you have somewhere in mind.” 

“Well… Why not Cuba?”

“Wait… Really?” Rafael asks, slightly shocked. 

“It’s your heritage.” Sonny says simply.

“Then why not Italy?” 

“We could also do that. I really don’t mind either way.”  Sonny shrugs.

“I could fly Mom out to Cuba.” Rafael ponders for a moment, “She’d honestly love this. My  _ Abuelita  _ would would’ve too.”

“Who all would we invite? If I leave out a Carisi I’ll never hear the end of it from my mom.” Sonny says, writing down names to make invitations for. 

“Well shouldn’t the squad come?”Rafael asks.

“I guess if they want to fly out to Cuba. You know, we could have our honeymoon in Italy, since we’re going to get married in Cuba.” Sonny says, writing down more Carisi names. 

“I’d like that.” Rafael nods, leaning back on his seat at the kitchen table. Sonny picks up his hand, and looks down at the list.

“I have about 30 Carisi’s, blood and not.” 

“Cuban weddings are huge, usually.” Rafael says, “But I only have  _ Mami _ and Eddie.” 

“Who would be your best man?” Sonny asks.

Rafael sits and thinks for a moment, “Eddie. He’s been my best friend since I was four. What about you?”

Sonny sits for a moment, he really didn’t have many friends. “JJ, I guess. He’s my only real friend.” 

“The new guy? Why not Fin?”

“Fin doesn’t like me. It would be Dodds if he wasn’t…” Sonny trails off, looking back down at his list of people to invite. 

“Should I invite Buchanan? Or Rita?” 

“Rita HATES me.” Sonny mumbles. 

“She just doesn’t like that you stopped her and I’s relationship.” Rafael gestures air quotes at the word relationship. 

“What even happened there?” Sonny asks, leaning onto the table.

“Sexual favors between the both of us.” Rafael shrugs, “She wanted more and I lead her on for months because I hoped you were gay.”

“Bisexual.” Sonny murmurs. 

Sonny counts the number of people on their list. “Raf, I don’t want a huge wedding. Who’s even gonna marry a gay couple?” 

“I’ve already asked my priest friend to do it.” Rafael says. 

“He’s gonna marry a gay couple?” 

“He said he would… for me.” Rafael smirks to himself. 

Sonny hums, leaning back in his chair. “We really need to plan everything out.” 

“Where in Cuba?” Rafael prompts, opening his phone and opening the notes app. 

“Somewhere pretty.” Sonny murmurs, opening his phone as well, looking up places in Cuba. “What about Playa Paracisio?”

“What?” Rafael says.

“Playa Paracisio?”

“Do you mean  _ Playa Paraíso _ ?” Rafael couldn’t hide his smirk. 

“Yes. Don’t give me that! I don’t speak Spanish.” Sonny grumbles.

“Spanish and Italian are strikingly similar.” Rafael says, 

“I barely speak Italian anymore. Don’t tell my mom.” Sonny says, “It’s really pretty there.” 

“It's gorgeous.” Rafael smiles, “It literally translates to Paradise Beach. I would have no problem getting married there. I’ve been there a few times. They use it for computer wallpapers all the time.” 

“Okay… We’ll get married there.” Sonny says, typing it on the note. “Tuxes.” 

“Awh… You’re not gonna get married in a dress?” Rafael smirks, standing up to get some more coffee. 

“Hush.” Sonny growls, giving the best dirty look he could muster. “Why don’t you wear a dress?” 

“Because it’s obvious who wears the pants in this relationship.” Rafael snips, pouring coffee into his coffee mug. “Now you are talking about the  _ Playa Paraíso  _ in Cuba, right? There’s one in Mexico too.” 

“I’m pretty sure this is Cuba. It says Cuba.” Sonny says, looking at the website. “Yeah, It’s Cuba. Tuxes Rafael. What colors?” 

“The sand is white.” Rafael offers. “So probably not white.” 

“Okay that leave about three thousand colors.” Sonny rolls his eyes. 

“You don’t know anything about Cuban weddings, do you?” Rafael sits back down with his coffee. “Technically…” Rafael pauses. 

“What? Technically what?” Sonny says.

“I’m supposed to get married in my dad’s suit.” He sighs.

“Does your mom still have it? You don’t have to go with tradition, Raf.” 

“But my mom will  _ kill  _ me if I don’t. She’s been saving that tuxedo since I was born.” 

“Then call her. See if it mysteriously burnt in a house fire just in her closet.”  Sonny smirks.

“Your sarcasm is not appreciated.” Rafael says, picking up his phone to call his mom, “I still haven’t told her I’m getting married, Sonny…” 

“You  _ what?! _ ” Sonny hisses, “You haven’t told her?! See this is why I was going to ask permission.” 

“Let’s go down there. I kind of want to tell her in person.” Rafael says, standing up. 

“You’re telling her.” Sonny says, standing up as well. 

***

Rafael knocks on his mother’s door, looking down and hoping she wouldn’t be too mad. 

There’s clicks on the other side of the door and it slowly opens. “Rafael.” She says softly, and lovingly. “And Sonny! Come in!” 

Sonny had slowly grown on her over the past year or so. At first she hated his Staten Island accent with a passion and told Rafael nearly everyday to find another person. 

Rafael and Sonny make their way into the small apartment after Lucia. 

“ _ Mami,  _ we have news.” Rafael says gently, sitting down on the couch. Sonny slowly sits down next to him and Lucia sits in the chair across from them. 

“News?” She says, “What kind of news?” 

“Sonny and I…” Rafael takes a deep breath and takes Sonny’s hand into his own. “We’re getting married.” 

She stays silent, her expression unreadable. 

“And you’ve come for your father’s suit.” She says, her hands neatly folded in her lap. “When did this happen?”

“A couple weeks ago.” Rafael says. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner  _ mi hijo?” _

“Because I was worried as to what you would say.” Rafael says gently. 

“Come with me,  _ hijo _ .” She stands up. “You too, Sonny.” 

Sonny stays silent, as they follow her into her bedroom. She opens her closet and pulls out a suit bag. 

“Rafael, this was what your father got married in.” 

Rafael very slowly picks it up and opens it. It still smelled like his father and he hated it. It was a gray blazer, with matching pants and a white shirt. Very simple. Very his father. 

“I like that, Raf.” Sonny says, smiling. 

“Do you?” Rafael says. “I don’t know if it’ll fit me correctly.” 

“Rafael you are exactly like your father. Physically, anyway.” 

“ _ De verdad tengo que hacerlo, mamá? _ ” Rafael whispers.

“ _ Lo harás si me amas. _ ” Lucia whispers back. “ _ puedes cambiar la camiseta si quieres, quería que fuera verde claro cuando tu padre y yo nos casamos _ .” 

Sonny stood there, his hands in his pockets. He wished he took Spanish in high school. 

“My father was a-”

“Rafael we know.” Lucia says calmly. “But it’s tradition. Your son will wear your suit to his wedding.”

“ _ Hijo de las mil putas _ .” Rafael mutters.

“Rafael Mendo Barba!” Lucia scolds, raising her hand to him. He immediately shrinks back. 

“Okay even I know that one.” Sonny chuckles softly. “Your middle name is Mendo?” Sonny laughs. “I didn’t know that.” 

“We’ve been together for over a year and you don’t know my middle name?” Rafael scoffs.

“What’s mine, Rafael?” 

Rafael doesn’t answer. 

“Mendo means ‘offer sacrifices to God’.” Lucia smiles. Rafael rolls his eyes. 

“I hate it. That’s why you didn’t know it.” 

“What’s yours, Sonny?” Lucia asks. 

Sonny looks down, a blush covering his cheeks. “Flavio.” 

“ _ What?”  _ Rafael begins to laugh. He laughs so hard he’s doubled over. 

“It means Golden Haired.” Sonny says softly. “Nonna picked it out.” 

“Dominick Flavio Carisi Jr?!” Rafael nearly squeals. 

“It’s also my dad’s middle name if you wanna take it up with my Nonna.” 

“Well obviously it’s your dad’s middle name.” Rafael begins to calm down, tears actually running down his face. 

“Rafael be nice.” Lucia says gently. “You know when Rafael was a child-” 

“ _ Mami  _ no!.” Rafael interupts her. 

“Another day.” Lucia winks at Sonny. He smiles and nods. 

“As much as I’d love to sit here and listen to stories about my childhood, we need to get back to planning. I’m flying you out to Cuba.” 

Lucia knits her eyebrows together in confusion. 

“We’re getting married in Cuba, _ mami _ ” 

“Where in Cuba?” She asks.

“ _ Playa Paraíso. _ ” Rafael says. 

“Oh Rafael that’s going to be beautiful.” She smiles. 

“I think so too.” Sonny smiles. 

“Sonny picked it out.” Rafael says, putting the suit back into the bag. “I’m taking this to the dry cleaners to get the smell out.” 

“Okay,  _ hijo _ .” She says, “Be careful.” 

“Always am, _ Mami. _ ” He kisses her cheek, and she gives Sonny a tight hug before they leave. 

***

“So did she take it well?” 

“I think she did. My mom has always been hard to read.” Rafael shrugs. “And I’m a lawyer.” Rafael grimaces. 

“I like that suit. I’ll have to get one similar.” 

“Won’t be hard. It’s very cheap.”  Rafael grumbles. 

“Why don’t you wear a mint green button up under that. I think it’d look really good.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” 

“Let’s figure the rest of this wedding out, okay?”


	19. Chapter 19

After they had gotten all the logistics and everything figured out, Sonny began dinner. 

“I’m really excited.” Sonny says as Rafael comes into the kitchen. 

“I am, too.” Rafael says, “What are we having tonight.”

“Homemade pizza.” Sonny smiles, “It’s nearly done.” 

“That sounds amazing. You have me addicted to Italian.” 

“Not the crappy Italian here in New York.” Sonny says, opening the oven. 

“Italian restaurants here in New York suck. So does any Hispanic places.” Rafael says. 

“I like you in casual clothes way more than those suits.” Sonny says, putting on an oven glove that his Nonna gave him. He very carefully pulling out the pizza. He sets it down on the stove top, and admires the handiwork of a true Italian pizza. 

“They’re a whole lot more comfortable.” He says softly, “Those suits were only like a grand each. No biggie.” He rolls his eyes. 

“Would it be okay if I invited JJ over for dinner? His sister may come too.” Sonny asks.

“I don’t care. This is your house as much as it is mine.” Rafael says. 

“It’s just… He’s like my only friend.” Sonny says, picking up his phone. 

“I get that.” Rafael smiles. 

He types out a quick text to JJ, asking him if he and his sister wanted to come over. He respectfully denied having his sister come but said he’d be there in fifteen minutes.

Sonny turned off the oven and put the pizza back in, to make it stay warm. 

A loud knock on the door sounds through the apartment, and Sonny opens the door and smiles. 

“Hey, JJ.” He smiles. 

“Hey.” Jacob smiles back. Sonny gestures for him to come in.

“JJ, this is Rafael.” Sonny says.

“I’ve met him before. I’ve dropped off several files to him.” Jacob says.

“No no, you’ve met ADA Barba. They’re two seperate people.” 

“Oh, I see. What smells so good?”

“Sonny’s cooking. I’m blessed. And fat.” Rafael says.

“Never thought you had the cooking bug.” Jacob claps Sonny on the back, and Sonny smiles. 

“I actually have something to ask you, JJ.” Sonny says, gesturing to the kitchen table. 

“Yeah? What’s that?” Jacob asks, sitting down slowly. Sonny takes the pizza from the oven and begins to look for the pizza cutter. When he finds it he cuts the pizza into slices. 

“I wanted to know if you wanted to be my best man.” Sonny turns around, leaning against the stove.

“Me?” Jacob asks. 

“Yes, you.” Sonny smiles, grabbing three plates from the cabinet. He sets the pizza in the middle of the table and hands out plates. “You want something to drink? Got some wine.” 

“Wine is fine.” Jacob says, still slightly shocked. “You want  _ me  _ to be your best man?” 

“I do. What do ya say?” Sonny says, pouring two glasses of wine and a glass of scotch for Rafael. 

“Of course! I’d be honored.” Jacob says. 

“It means a lot.” Sonny says, setting his glass in front of him. He hands Rafael his glass of scotch and sits down next to him across from Jacob. 

“When are you getting married?” Jacob asks. 

“In two months. In Cuba.” Sonny says, “I know it’s short notice but-”

“It’s not short notice.” Jacob says, “I’m so happy for you guys.” 

“Thank you.” Rafael smiles, “We’re very happy.” 

“Sonny, if you want we can go bar hopping tonight.” 

“I have work tomorrow. So do you.” Sonny smirks, taking the first slice of pizza from the pan. 

“It’s not like we’ll stay out past two.” Jacob says, taking some pizza as well. 

“I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” Sonny says, taking a bite of the pizza. “Is it good?”

“Really good.” Jacob says, a mouthful of pizza. 

He turns to Rafael, “What say you?”

“Your court puns are not appreciated.” Rafael grumbles. 

“What happened there, anyway? I thought you were acquitted on all charges.”

“I was.” Rafael says simply. “I uh…” 

“You don’t have to tell me.” Jacob says quickly. 

“No it’s fine. People should know. I wasn’t convicted or anything but I guess I was too… Traumatized to continue.” Rafael says, taking a sip of his drink. 

“Wait, they fired you?” Jacob asks. 

“No. I quit.” Rafael says, “I didn’t feel like continuing.” 

“I understand. I don’t think you did anything wrong.”

“The jury thought so too, thankfully.” Rafael says, taking another bite of pizza. “This is good, Sonny.” 

“Where did you get that?” Jacob asks. 

“What?” Sonny says, looking down at his shirt. 

“No, your name. Isn’t it Demetrius or something?” 

Sonny nearly chokes on the pizza he was swallowing. “God I wish!” Sonny begins to laugh. “It’s Dominick.” 

“I like that better, personally.” 

“I like Sonny because my Nonna called me that.” Sonny shrugs, “I’m the junior of the family. And the only boy. So she liked calling me Sonny.” 

“And you’re Italian?” Jacob asks.

“Yes. Full blooded.” Sonny smiles, finishing his pizza. “Enough about me, tell me about you.” 

“Oh I’m nothing interesting.” 

“No seriously. You know a lot about me. Unless you wanna hear about Rafael…”

“I’d rather hear about you.” Rafael shrugs. 

“Well. What do you wanna know?” 

“Where’d you grow up?” Sonny asks. 

“The Bronx.” He says simply. “Me, Mom and Sarah.” 

“Sarah’s your sister, right?” Sonny says. 

“Yes.” Jacob nods. “She’s seven. That’s why I didn’t want her here with us.”

“I didn’t realize she was so young.” Sonny says, taking a sip of wine, “How old is your mom?”

“Should would’ve been forty-two this year.” 

“Would have?” Sonny asks. 

“She died when I was 17.” Jacob says, taking a sip of his drink. 

“Jeez, I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.” Sonny says. “If you don’t mind me asking, where is your dad?”

“Hell if I know.” Jacob shrugs. “I’ve never met him.” 

“Jesus.” Sonny says quietly. 

“Mom told me he was a real dick anyways.” 

“I’m sorry.” Sonny mutters.

“Really, don’t be.” Jacob says. That was when Sonny finally caught a whiff of him. He smelt like weed. 

Sonny’s eyes widen, he didn’t know how Rafael would handle that information. He always was really against drugs.

“Raf, I’m gonna go bar hopping with JJ.” Sonny says, standing up so fast that his hips hit the table.

“Don’t forget your coat.” 

“Raf it isn’t that cold.” Sonny shrugs, pulling on a coat. “C’mon, JJ.” 

Jacob stands up, and fixes his blazer before Sonny holds the door open for him. He looked confused. He walks out, and Sonny follows. 

“You did  _ not  _ tell me you were going to come to my house high.” Sonny growls.

“I’m not.” Jacob says, following Sonny down the stairs and out the door.

“You reek of weed.” Sonny says. 

“I told you I smoke.” Jacob shrugs.

Sonny shakes his head, and they continue on to the bar. 

***

“What are you going to do for a bachelor party?” Jacob asks, smiling at a girl that walks past. 

“Probably this.” Sonny smiles, “I may not even have one.” 

“You have to have one!” Jacob scoffs. 

“I really don’t.” Sonny says.

“There’s no way I’m letting you get married without a bachelor party.” Jacob finishes off his drink. “C’mon. There’s no fun in that.” 

“Rafael probably wouldn’t let me.” Sonny says, “The whole strippers thing he wouldn’t like.” 

“So what? It’s a few strippers.” Jacob shrugs, signalling the bartender for another drink. “He can have some too.”

“Rafael doesn’t like women.” Sonny sips at his drink, a smirk on his face.

“There’s such a thing as male strippers.” Jacob says, taking his drink from the bartender. 

“Rafael is really old fashioned. He’s like fifty years old.” Sonny says. 

“And you’re…?” 

“I’m thirty-seven. Gonna be thirty eight here in a few weeks.” Sonny sighs, realizing how old he’s getting. 

“That’s nothing.” Jacob shrugs. 

“You’re only twenty-seven or something.” Sonny laughs, “You’ll understand once you’re my age. God, you’re a 90’s kid.” Sonny buries his head in his hands. 

“Calm down. It’s only ten years.” 

“Only huh? That’s my entire career.” Sonny laughs. 

“Wanna go to my spot?” 

“Your… spot?” Sonny asks.

“Y’know. Where I go to smoke.” Jacob says, turning to face him.

“JJ, I don’t know. I’ve never done that kind of stuff. The only drugs I take are prescription. I don’t even take those anymore because Rafael doesn’t want to date a drug addict.” 

“You don’t get addicted to weed, man.” Jacob shrugs, “What meds were you on?”

“PTSD meds…” Sonny says softly. 

“Wait and he doesn’t want you taking them?”

“Yeah.” Sonny says, staring at the rim of his drink, “He said while he was drunk he didn’t want to date a drug addict.”

“Sonny you need to take those. You’re on those for good reasons. Have you been having nightmares? Have you been having more triggers?” Jacob asks.

“Nightmares every night.” Sonny mutters, “I barely sleep anymore. I’m running on pure caffeine and the will of God.” 

“Sonny you need to start taking them again.” Jacob says. 

“Rafael doesn’t like it.” Sonny shrugs. 

“And I don’t like you being unhealthy. Would you stop taking a heart medication?” Jacob scoffs.

“Why do you care about me so much?” Sonny asks sincerely. 

Jacob becomes quiet, “You’re like my only friend, man. Good friends are hard to come by.” 

“I’ll drink to that.” Sonny finishes off his drink, motioning to the bartender for another drink. 

“Sonny… Can I ask you something?” 

“Shoot.” Sonny says, taking his drink from the bartender. 

“What would happen if you and Rafael were to split up? Where would you go?” 

“Well…” Sonny thinks for a moment, “I hope that never happens again. But I guess I’d have to support myself on shitty government pay. Rafael got shitty pay, too. Being a prosecutor and all. But together we made a good team, while he was working.” 

“Where is he gonna go now?” Jacob asks. 

“Rafael…” Sonny takes a deep breath and laughs. “He’s such a good singer. I love him so much for it. He loves musicals. Absolutely adores them. And I think he’s going to go into musicals. He used to have quite a name for himself in college. But then law school caught up to him.” 

“I never would have thought the big, scary ADA was into musicals.” Jacob laughs, “He seems so… Straight laced and super proper.”

“Rafael? No. He’s the goofiest fucking asshole I’ve ever met.” 

“Wow.” Jacob laughs.

“Yeah. He’s something. Here, let’s go back to the apartment and I’ll see if I can get the old bird to sing.”

“Actually, I probably need to go home and check on Sarah. Raincheck?” Jacob asks.

“That’s fine.” Sonny says, grimacing at the rest of his drink. He sets it down and stands up, throwing a twenty on the bar. 

“Hey sugar, how are you doing?” A man from behind Sonny asks. Sonny turns around, prepared to tell him off. 

“I’m sure you’re an incredible individual, but I’m taken.” Sonny smiles. 

“I don’t see a ring on that finger.” The man smirks, he was over six foot tall, greasy black hair and some stubble growing in. 

“Trust me, I’m sure you’re great but I need to go.” Sonny smiles politely. 

The man steps closer to Sonny, and puts his hand on the junction of Sonny’s thigh and waist. Sonny grabs his wrist, twisting it at an awkward angle and turns him around and shoves him into the bar. 

“Got a habit of sexually assaulting police officers?” Sonny says, beginning to walk away. Jacob stares at the man, and flips him off on the way out. 

Sonny is suddenly caught in a chokehold. Sonny claws at the arm holding him, finally grabbing a hold of his wrist. He wasn’t strong enough to get the man off.

“Jacob, help me out here.” Sonny gasps, being drug off his feet. The man was taller than him, and Sonny could smell the grease in his hair. 

Jacob punches the man in the face, he lets Sonny go and Sonny falls to the ground. He gasps for air, getting up onto his knees. 

He hears Jacob beating the man up, groans of pain coming from the man. 

“Let him go, JJ.” Sonny gasps, standing up. 

“You’re gonna let him get away with assaulting you?” Jacob says, pinning the man to the ground.

“He’s not worth the time.” Sonny says, shaking slightly, “C’mon.” 

Jacob lets the man go, and he scrambles to get up and run away. Sonny takes a few steps before stumbling into the wall. 

“Whoa, man.” Jacob says, rushing over to help him. 

“I-I can’t…” Sonny whispers. 

“You need to sit down. He knocked the wind out of you.” Jacob says, looking for a place to set Sonny down.

“I just wanna go home. Walk me home, please.” Sonny whispers quietly, tears building up in his eyes. 

“Okay, c’mon. Let’s go.” 


	20. Chapter 20

When he had finally gotten Sonny home, he knocked on the door and waited.

“What happened? Sonny what’s wrong?” Rafael asks as he opens the door, taking Sonny who was shaking like a leaf and crying.

“A guy at the bar, grabbed his waist. When Sonny threw him off and went to leave, the guy snuck up on him and got him in a choke hold.” Jacob explains.

“I-I wasn’t strong enough to get him off.” Sonny whispers. 

“Thank you, Jacob.” Rafael says, leading Sonny inside, “Did anyone call the police?” 

“He didn’t want to.” Jacob says from the doorway. 

“We’ll call you if we need anything.” Rafael says, “Thank you for being there with him.” 

“No problem.” Jacob shuts the door. 

“Sonny?” Rafael says, leading him to the couch.

“Raf I wasn’t strong enough to get him off.” Sonny says, sitting down.

“Carino, you did the best you could.” 

“That wouldn’t have been enough.” Sonny sobs, bringing his knees to his chest, “If JJ hadn’t of been there he could have taken me.” 

“But he didn’t. You’re fine. Do you need your panic attack medicine?” Rafael asks.

“No.” Sonny snaps. 

“I didn’t mean that to sound patronizing.” Rafael says. “You sound like you need it, let me find it.”

“I threw them out, Raf.”

“Sonny why would you do that?” Rafael says, sitting next to Sonny. 

“Y-You didn’t want to marry a d-drug addict.” Sonny hiccups.

“Sonny I told you that I didn’t mean anything I said.” Rafael hisses, “When did you throw them away?” 

“The day after the fight.” Sonny breathes.

“Sonny…” Rafael whispers, slowly sitting down next to him. Sonny squirms away, and presses his forehead into his knees. 

“I-I wasn’t strong enough. He wasn’t even that big.” Sonny whispers. 

“Sonny you’re incredibly strong.” Rafael assures, slowly reaching a hand out to put it on his shoulder. Sonny leans into it, and slowly scoots over to fist his hands into Rafael’s t-shirt. Rafael pulls him closer, and pets his hair. 

They sit in silence, Rafael shushing him every once in a while. He whispers calming things and reassurance. Once Sonny stops shaking and sobbing, Rafael pulls away to grab him a glass of water. 

“P-Please don’t leave me.” Sonny whispers. 

“I’m right here Carino.” Rafael says. “You need to drink something. You’re going to lose your voice.” 

“Can I have some orange juice?” Sonny asks.

“Of course.” Rafael stands up, walking to the kitchen. He pours Sonny a tall glass, and walks back into the living room and hands Sonny the glass. Sonny drains it in two seconds flat, and sets the glass on the table. 

“Do you wanna go to work tomorrow?” Rafael asks.

“I need to. I need to crack that child molester.” Sonny says.

“But you need to take care of yourself before others.” Rafael says.

“There’s a trafficking ring of small children. I can’t risk another one getting killed.” Sonny whispers. 

“Are you sure you can handle it?” Rafael asks. 

“I’m sure. Let’s go to bed, please?” 

“Of course.” Rafael says, helping Sonny up and pulling him into a tight hug. 

***

“Carisi, my office.” Liv says, walking past him into her office.

Carisi follows her, walking into her office and she closes the door behind him. 

“I need you to go undercover.” She says, sitting down at her desk. 

“For the trafficking ring?” Sonny asks, “Why me?” 

“Because you’re going under as a male sex worker.” She says.

“How long?” Sonny asks. 

“2-3 months.” She says.

“Lieu my wedding is in-” 

“Carisi I know.” She says, “We’ll try to get you out as fast as possible.”

“Tell me more.” He whispers, sitting down and crossing his legs. 

***

Sonny walks into his apartment, his heart heavy and sad. 

“Rafael? Can you come here please?” Sonny calls out. Rafael emerges from the bathroom, just sweatpants on. 

“What do you need?” Rafael asks. Sonny gestures toward the couch and sits down. Rafael sits down next to him. 

“I’m going undercover, again.” Sonny says softly.

“When? Sonny our wedding-”

“I know. It’s going to be like two to three months.” Sonny cuts in before Rafael can get going. 

“What are you going under as?”

“Demetrius Reynolds.” Sonny says, “A thirty seven year old provider of young boys in a brutal sex trafficking ring. I have to get enough evidence to break the ring.” 

“You picked Demetrius?” Rafael says, very distant.

“JJ did.” Sonny smiles, it quickly fades as he looks at the look on Rafael’s face. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it. We need to bust this ring.” 

“I completely understand, but why didn’t they pick someone without PTSD?” Rafael whispers. 

“I don’t know.” Sonny shrugs. “I promise, I won’t mess around. I’ll come back as soon as I can.” 

“Sonny you don’t have any meds. I don’t know how you’re gonna be able to handle yourself.” Rafael whispers, putting his hand on Sonny’s. 

“I can handle myself.” Sonny whispers back, turning his hand over to hold Rafael’s. “If stuff gets to be too much, I’ll duck out.” 

“I don’t want you to leave.” Rafael’s voice breaks midway through the sentence. 

“I don’t want to either, but this ring is killing a lot of young boys. I have to help stop it.” Sonny whispers, leaning his head forward and against Rafael’s. 

“I understand.” Rafael whispers softly. “Come here.” Rafael puts a hand on Sonny’s cheek, and pulls him into a kiss. Sonny sighs through his nose, kissing him back. He pulls away. 

“I love you so much.” Sonny whispers. 

“When are you leaving?” Rafael asks, eyes red rimmed. 

“Tomorrow morning.” Sonny whispers, his face still close to Rafael’s.

“Why such short notice?” He asks. 

“It’s the only window we have.” Sonny whispers, his eyes closing. He leans his head against Rafael’s again, and wraps his arms around his waist. Sonny takes in Rafael’s cologne, knowing he won’t smell it again for a while. 

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” Rafael whispers. “I’m gonna miss that smile…” 

“I know.” Sonny replies.

***

Sonny walks out of his apartment after a very hard goodbye to Rafael. He assured him he’d be safe and be home soon. He hails a cab, and makes his way to the squad room. 

He sighs, and fights the will to tell Lieu no and that he didn’t want to do it. He ducks his head down and sighs as the cabbie stops and he pays generously, stepping out of the cab and walking into the building. He takes the elevator up, he’s never been nervous for a UC op, but he was nearly shaking. 

Once he walks into the squad room when the elevator opens, Amanda smiles at him. He gives a half smile, that wasn’t really real and Amanda knew it. She walks to him and wraps him up in a hug. He sighs and accepts it, wrapping his arms around her. 

The new ADA walks in, Peter Stone. They had given him the job after he had nearly convicted Rafael. Sonny wasn’t too thrilled about it. He pulls away from the hug, wanting to say something but unable to. Everyone was looking at him as if to say, ‘better get these guys.’ 

Stone looks at him, and Sonny looks back at him. Sonny breaks the eye contact and walks into Lieu’s office. 

“Hey, Carisi.” She says. “You ready for this?” 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Sonny sighs. Stone walks in, in a fancy suit. 

“Carisi we’re counting on you.” He says. 

“I know.” Sonny says, fighting the will to snap. 

“We have to get these guys before-” 

“I know, Stone.” Sonny cuts him off. “I’m probably going to miss my own wedding because of this.” Stone nods. 

“Carisi, you don’t have to do this.” Lieu says.

“We need to nail these guys.” Sonny says. 

Olivia nods, and she leads him into the locker room. She hands him clothes and he closes the door and gets dressed. He loops the wire around his body and tapes it to his chest with the tape Lieu gave him. He looked like a pimp, and he didn’t like it. The suit was a dark purple with a black tie, no waistcoat. 

Sonny walks out, and sighs at all the looks he was getting. He walks back into Olivia’s office, and she hands him a paper with some addresses, a cell phone, and his camera glasses. He puts them on, and looks around. 

“Ready? You’re meeting these people with a few of our cadets, that are going under with you, at ten o'clock tonight. You just have to hand off the boys. It’s the first address. The second is your apartment. We’ve already set up more clothes, and a debit card with a new bank account. You need to check in with us every Saturday. We’ll be keeping an eye on your wire. Don’t let people see you come here.” Lieu says. 

“Where’s the car I’m using?” Sonny asks. She throws him some keys from her desk.

“Unmarked black SUV around the back.” Liv says. 

“Anything else?” Sonny asks.

“There’s a man that’s under with you, he goes by Gene Davis. Black hair, green eyes. He’s another pimp that you’re going to be working with.” Liv says.

“Can you please keep Rafael updated? He won’t tell anyone. He’s gonna get nervous-” 

“That’s already covered, Carisi.” She smiles. 

“Thank you.” Sonny smiles. “Is that it?” 

“If you need any more information on any person, call me. I’m under ‘Mom’ in your contacts.” Lieu says.

“Okay.” Sonny nods. He really didn’t want to leave. But he knew he had to. “I’ll see you guys in a week.” Sonny says. 

Liv smiles, and he walks out of her office. Fin and Jacob come up to him, and Fin says: “Be careful, man. We don’t need another loss on our end.” 

Sonny nods. He turns to Jacob, and Jacob suddenly wraps him up in a hug. Sonny smiles, and hugs him back. “I’ll be fine. Please go by and check on Rafael every once in a while, okay?” 

“Sure thing.” Jacob smiles, “Be careful.” 

“I will.” Sonny pulls away from the hug. 

***

Sonny walks into the building at 10:03. He looks around and sees a man emerging from the darkness of the room. It was an old warehouse. 

“Demetrius?” The man asks.

“At your service.” Sonny adjusts his glasses. 

“I’m Gene.” He whispers. Sonny shakes his hand. 

“Nice to meet you. So you’re sure these boys won’t get bought by actual buyers?” Sonny asks.

“NYPD has already gave a few people some money to buy them.” Gene says. 

“Okay. Good.” Sonny nods. 

“They’re going to be here any minute. You have a wire, don’t you?” Gene asks. 

“Yes. I’m going to have it on for most of this op-” Sonny is cut off by two men walking into the warehouse. He looks up at them, making sure to do a once over to get a full view of what they look like to the NYPD. 

“So you’re the new guy.” One of them say. 

Sonny nods, “And you might be?” 

“Connor.” The man says, “This is Johnny.” He points to the man next to him. “He’s my insurance. These are the boys?” 

“Yes. The best ones I have right now.” Sonny says, moving to the side to let him get a better view of the boys. The young cadets looked terrified. Perfect. 

“And you’ve settled for $25,000 for all three of them?” He asks.

“Yes.” Sonny says, crossing his arms over his chest, “Cash.” 

“Give him the money, Johnny.” Connor says, he hands Sonny a duffel bag, and Sonny kneels down to look inside of it. Mostly to get a shot for the squad and to make sure the money was there.

“Don’t trust us?” Johnny asks.

“Sorry, but no.” Sonny zips the bag back up and stands up. He looks back at the boys, “Go.” He demands in a strong voice. They scurry over and Sonny nods. “We done here?” 

“Yes, sir.” Connor says, “Nice doing business.” He shakes Sonny’s hand. Sonny turns away, only to have a hand grab his arm and pulls him back. 

“What, man? Get off of me!” Sonny yells, jerking away. He turns around to see a gun in his face. 

“Drop the bag.” Johnny says. Sonny takes a deep breath, and drops the bag. 

“Alright very cute.” Sonny scoffs, “Not paying for perfectly good boys.” Sonny rolls his eyes, but inside he was shaking. 

“Drop the act, pig.” Connor says.

Sonny looks over at Gene, who was just as shocked as he was. “Let the guy go. He brought perfectly good boys.” 

“Take his glasses. Look at them closely.” Connor says, walking closer to Sonny, taking the glasses from his face. “Check him for a wire.” 

Johnny grabs Sonny, and rips open his shirt to look at the wire placed in the middle of his chest. “Oh, great.” Johnny says.

“Get him out of here. Take him where we agreed.” Connor says, smashing his glasses. Johnny rips the wire from his chest and he breaks it, keeping the gun in his face. Johnny reels his hand back and pistol whips him so hard he passes out. 

***

When Sonny awakes the next time, he’s covered in what he can only assume is his own blood. He looks around and sees that he’s in some sort of room. It looked like a bedroom, but with no bed. The walls were a dark green and there was a table and a chair. There was a desk as well. A single light was on the ceiling, and it was bright. He was laid on the floor, and his back was upset about it. He winces at the incredible headache he had. 

“Hello?” Sonny calls out, walking to the door and trying to open it. It was locked, and Sonny wasn’t surprised. 

He knocks on the door and calls out again, “Hello?!” 

The door clicks a few times and it opens. A man walks in, who Sonny didn’t recognize. He shuts the door behind him. 

“Where am I?” Sonny asks. 

“New Jersey.” The man answers. 

“Who are you?” Sonny asks. 

“A part of DX9.” The man says, “We’ve had our eye on you since before the Barton incident.” The man was short, much short than Sonny. But he was built. 

“What are you going to do with me?” Sonny was nearly panicking.

“That’s not my call. That’s the boss’s call.” He says, “But for now, you have to go back to sleep.” 

“Wait, wait wait!” Sonny cries out, backing away as he pulls a pistol from the back of his pants. The man takes steps forward, and corners Sonny. He raises his hand and Sonny grabs his wrist and tries to fight the gun from him. 

A gunshot is heard, fired into the wall. Sonny tackles him into the ground, and wrestles the gun away from him. Sonny stands up and keeps the gun pointed at the man. Sonny was pretty sure he was unconscious. Sonny begins to shake, and goes to open the door only for it to be locked again. He beats on the door a few times, hoping someone was around to unlock it. He walks over to the man on the floor, and searches him for a key. When he doesn’t find one, he sighs and leans against the wall. 

“C’mon guys! Show’s over! Let me go and I’ll never let-” Sonny is cut off by the door swinging open and a familiar face walking in.

“Jacob.” Sonny sighs, “Thank God.” 

Jacob says nothing, and pulls his gun. 

“JJ. What are you doing?” Sonny asks. 

“C’mon. Let’s go.” He says, gesturing to the door with his gun, keeping it trained on Sonny. 

“Jacob-” 

“Sonny, now!” Jacob yells. Sonny holds his gun up higher and aims it, “Put it down, Sonny. It’s full of blanks.” 

“W-What?” Sonny says, hedging his bets and taking a shot. Nothing but a sound is made and Sonny gasps. 

“Put. It. Down.” Jacob whispers. Sonny lets it drop to the floor, and walks out of the door with his head down. 

He’s led into another room with a single wooden chair. He’s shoved into the room, his mind reeling with what was happening. His best friend was holding him at gunpoint?

“Sit.” Jacob says simply. Sonny does as he’s told and Jacob grabs a roll of duct tape from the floor by the door and forces Sonny’s arms onto the armrests and duct tapes him down. He does the same with his legs.

“Jacob what the hell is going on right now?” Sonny hisses.

“They made me, Sonny.” Jacob whispers. 

“What do you mean?” Sonny asks.

“The gang. They threatened my sister, man. I had to.” Jacob says softly.

“You’ve known all this time?” Sonny growls, “You set me up?!” 

“They made me Sonny. Like they’re making me do this.” Jacob says, pulling a switchblade from his back pocket. 

“You’re the one who got me assaulted?” Sonny whispers.

“Yes. And nearly killed you too with the bridge.” Jacob says, stalking forward. 

“Wait, you’re not a real cop. How’d you get into SVU?” 

“Higher powers than your lieutenant, wanted Barba gone. We got him. Barba had such a mouth on him and was putting too many DX9 members away. We did death threats and that didn’t scare him off. But he sealed his own fate with that innocent child.” Jacob says.

“The NYPD is working with DX9?” Sonny questions, “What precinct?” 

“It’s actually the mayor’s office. DX9 has a lot of dirt against the mayor. More child porn than you can believe. He’s been our puppet for a long time.” 

“The mayor of New York is working with DX9?” Sonny whispers more to himself that anything.

“Now that you know all of that, I have no choice.” Jacob flips open the blade.

“Jacob no, please. I’m supposed to get married.” Sonny whispers.

“I’m sorry. If they didn’t have threats against my sister, I wouldn’t. You’re so nice.” Jacob says, stopping in between Sonny knees. He raises the blade, and plants it firmly in Sonny’s thigh.

Sonny screams out in pain, his head ducking forward and his chin hitting his chest. He looks over at his leg, gushing blood that was soaked into the purple suit pants. He felt it running down his leg and into his shoe. He feels tears falling down his face, but didn’t really comprehend that they were his. 

“Jacob please.” Sonny whispers hoarsely. He cries out in pain as the blade is removed from his leg. 

“You said please.” He shrugs. Jacob leans forward, and takes Sonny’s chin into his hands and forces him to look at him. Jacob grimaces, “You needed to die anyway.”

“Let me go.” Sonny growls. 

“Don’t raise your heartrate. Don’t want you dying too soon.” Jacob says, “I never wanted to do this. I really liked you. I was hoping it was someone else.”

“Then let me go. You still have the chance.” Sonny whispers. 

“Fine. If you think you can get back to New York on that leg of yours, be my guest.” He removes the duct tape from Sonny’s appendages, and steps back. “Come on. Go.” He taunts.

Sonny attempts to stand up, only to fall from how weak he was. He lays his head on the floor, and his eyelids feel heavy. He takes a deep breath, and rolls over onto his back and sits up.

“Jacob don’t let me die.” Sonny whispers. “I wanted to start a family. Let me say goodbye to Rafael.” 

“You know too much.” Jacob says finally. Sonny takes a deep breath and suddenly gets very dizzy. Sonny falls back onto his back, his head smacking against the concrete. But he never felt it. 

***

Rafael sits nervously at the precinct, today was the day Sonny was supposed to check in. He just wanted to see him. To make sure he was okay. 

Time passes, and the time he was supposed to come was long ago. He and Olivia were slightly freaking out and decided to check his wire.

“His wire went dead 2 days ago.” Olivia says quietly.

“And you didn’t notice?!” Rafael cries. 

“We’ll find him. Amanda, track his phone. The burner cell we gave him.” 

“He hasn’t called? Anything?” Rafael says, following her angrily to her office. 

“No, Rafa.” She says quietly.

“Why the hell weren’t you doing your job?! Making sure he’s safe!” Rafael yells, slamming the door behind him. 

“We just thought that nothing of interest was happening.” Olivia says. 

“He could be…” Rafael shudders at the thought. 

“Carisi is smart. He got through the Barton assault, he’s fine.” Olivia says finally. 

“Lieu?” Amanda says, opening the door. 

“Yes, Rollins?” She says.

“From what the tracker says, he’s…” Amanda lets out a shaky breath.

“Spit it out, detective.” Rafael growls.

“He’s in the Hudson River.” Amanda says quietly.

“That tracker must be wrong.” Rafael says, his heart pounding in his chest. “Right?” 

“Call Stone. And the divers.” Olivia says quietly. 

“What do you mean?!” Rafael says, “They must have thrown the phone in the river.” 

“Then we won’t find anything, will we?” Olivia says, standing up and walking out her door.

***

Rafael stood there at the scene, where they found drag marks and a bloody switchblade. Rafael paced back and forth. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. He wanted them to find someone and not at the same time. 

A diver resurfaces, and hollars something Rafael couldn’t hear. Olivia walks back where Rafael is, and pushes him back. “You need to go.” 

“Did they find something?” Rafael whispers, trying to push past her, “What did they find?” He asks.

“I’ll let you know more once we know more.” Olivia says, Rafael looks over her shoulder to see the diver carrying something onto shore. Rafael suddenly feels sick.

“ _ Oh Dios mío _ .” Rafael whispers. “Is-Is that…” 

“Rafael you need to go.” She whispers, tears in her eyes. 

“No. Please. Let me see him.” Rafael begs. “Please, Olivia.” 

Olivia sighs shakily, and lets him pass and runs behind him. 

“Oh my god.” Rafael whispers. He was blue in the face, in a ridiculous purple suit. His hair was pasted to his forehead, the diver sets him gently on the ground. Rafael falls to his knees beside him, and grabs his hand. It was so cold. 

“Carino? Don’t do this to me.” He whispers, tears falling down his face. He grabs Sonny’s shoulders, and hugs him. He was so cold. Sonny was normally a space heater, he ran hot. “Carino don’t do this. C’mon baby…” 

“Rafael…” Olivia says, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Rafael jerks away from the contact, his forehead against Sonny’s. He rocks back and forth gently, as if he’d break. He looks down at the blood stains on his suit and begins to sob hysterically. 

“Rafael c’mon. He’s evidence.” Amanda says. 

“ _ He’s _ not evidence. He  _ has  _ evidence.” Rafael growls.

“Rafael…” Olivia whispers. 

“Please tell me this is some sort of trick… I was so bad to him. I never got to say goodbye.” Rafael whispers. Olivia grabs him underneath the arm, and pulls him up and away from the lifeless body of Sonny Carisi. 

***

Rafael attended the funeral, Sonny was buried with the tie with the little fish on it. His favorite. He was also buried in Rafael’s favorite socks. His casket was carried from the funeral home with an American flag over it, and the American flag was presented to Donna Carisi. Rafael stayed for the burial, not without sobbing and begging God above that this was all some sort of cruel joke. 

On his way home that night, he picked up a bottle of vodka from the store. He walked into their home, sitting on Sonny’s side of the bed. He drank himself into a frenzy that night. Blaring 80s rock so loud he was sure the neighbors hated him. He laid and sobbed, wishing for Sonny Carisi to be alive. 

A year later, Rafael stood at the gravestone that read: Dominick “Sonny” Carisi Jr. Every night, he cried and wondered how things could have been different.

They never found Jacob Jefferson, or rather Jacob Sinclair, who had been an undercover for DX9 for many years. The case was cold, but still open. 

Rafael never once took off the ring that Sonny had given him. When Rafael was nearing 80 years old, his memory gone from Alzheimer’s Disease, he begged for Sonny Carisi in his nursing home bed. When his eyes closed for the last time, the only thing he could remember flashed in his mind.

The smile of Sonny Carisi.

 


End file.
